


you take my breath and steal the things i know

by captainegg



Series: YouTuber AU [1]
Category: Red White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston
Genre: Alex is a bit of a dick at first, Bottom Henry, Coming Out, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Fluff and Humor, Gay Panic, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Phone Sex, Sexting, Sexual Tension, Sharing Clothes, Social Media AU, Texting, Top Alex, Youtuber AU, and they were ROOMMATES, but they figure it out eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:26:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 53,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27505303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainegg/pseuds/captainegg
Summary: Alex hates Henry and Henry hates Alex—at least that's what Alex likes to tell himself. It all changes though when Henry comes to the States to film a docu-series with Nora and June, and Alex involuntarily gets to know Henry better, finding his world completely turned on its head by the end of it.
Relationships: Alex Claremont-Diaz/Henry Fox-Mountchristen-Windsor, June Claremont-Diaz/Nora Holleran
Series: YouTuber AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2043019
Comments: 325
Kudos: 273





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’m still in the process of writing this fic so updates will come whenever I’m done with a new chapter. And since the story is still mostly up in the air, feel free to drop your ideas, wishes and suspicions in the comments! 🤗
> 
> If you want to be notified whenever I'm posting a new chapter, either subscribe to me here on AO3 or come say hi on [tumblr](https://im-captain-egg.tumblr.com/) 📖
> 
> Thank you to everyone on the [RWRB discord server](https://discord.gg/DVqeKTtxqK) who have been nothing but supportive of me and my late-night rants and sporadic bursts of inspiration. I love you all so much, this fic is for you 💜
> 
> Title from the absolute masterpiece that is _Fire On Fire_ by Sam Smith. Please give it a listen if you don't know it yet!
> 
> All chapters beta read by Mio unless stated otherwise (thank you, darling) 💜
> 
> Find content and trigger warnings at the beginning of each chapter if any apply. If you think I missed a CW or TW, please let me know so I can edit them in. Thanks!
> 
> I hope you enjoy 😊

“Hello, friends and fellas and anyone in between,” Alex says with a bright smile as he watches the messages flow in. The chat goes fast, too fast for him to read it all but he picks up a few messages here and there. He recognizes some of the names, not quite friends, more so acquaintances along with a bunch of new people.

It’s one of the reasons he enjoys streaming so much—getting to interact with the audience in real-time, reaching new viewers, building a community, getting to know the people who have been supporting him for all those years.  
  
**kornacki_stan_bee:** _hi!_ _  
_**thisisamacdonalds:** _hope you’re doing ok_ _  
_**crocsgirlsupreme:** _missed you guys_ _  
_**JesusFingernails:** _what’s up?_ _  
_**mama_rutabega:** _I hope everyone is doing well today!_ _  
_**Snoodel:** _I’m so excited for today’s stream_ _  
_**Snoodel:** _And no, I’m not procrastinating uni work, idk what you’re talking about_ _  
_**kitty_34:** _missed your streams last week but I’m glad you’re back at it today_ _  
_**hit_or_miss:** _brooo, sick lights_ _  
_**the_que33n:** _hi alex!_ _  
_**impasta:** _it’s like 4 am for me but let’s gooooo_ _  
__  
_ He sits in his gaming room, the blue and purple lights dim in the background, curling around him perfectly. He has his old lacrosse staff hung up in the background along with some trophies and posters. June and Nora had helped him set it all up a few months ago and it’s his favourite set-up to date.  
  
**kornacki_stan_bee:** _what will you play tonight?_ _  
_**User2345:** _I think Among Us_ _  
_**hit_or_miss:** _read the title lmao_ _  
_**missy45678:** _when will you play Minecraft again?_ _  
__  
_ “We’ll be playing some more Among Us tonight, yes. I haven’t played in a hot second so I’m very excited to get back into it,” he says and takes a sip from his cup.

**khakipants69:** _who’ll be in the lobby?_ _  
_**sir__:** _who are we playing with?_ _  
_**princesspeaxh:** _isn’t it like super early for you? Rip_ _  
_**kornacki_stan_bee:** _lobby?_

“I actually don’t know who will be in the lobby today,” he laughs and puts his cup back down and starts to set up everything for the game. “It’s a little last minute for me today, I have to admit.” He grins at the camera and takes another sip of coffee.

**cornbread:** _will Nora and June be there?_ _  
_**maja_the_bee:** _June said on Twitter something about two new ppl? But idk who she’s talking about_ _  
_**princesspeaxh:** _I hope it’s Liam_ _  
_**princesspeaxh:** _he’s my fav and so cute_ _  
_**JesusFingernails:** _Nora pls_ _  
_**thisisamacdonalds:** _ofc Nora and June will be there_

“Yeah, my sister and Nora put the lobby together so I have zero ideas of what’s going to happen but I bet it’ll be fun regardless.”

He, Nora and June have been playing Among Us regularly every other week since the game’s release. Off-stream and in private at first but people seemed to be invested enough for them to start streaming. They have their set lobby, switching out people every now and then when needed.

This week, Alex has been too busy to invite other players so Nora and June took their turn. Alex knows that he can trust them but he somehow doesn’t have a good feeling about it.

He pulls up Discord and makes sure his setup is ready before he joins the lobby.

His sister and Nora are already in the voice chat, laughing and joking when Alex joins them.

“What’s popping, gorgeous?” he greets them with a laugh and quickly glances over to his chat, adjusting his audio settings as needed before he pulls up the game.

He lets the other two talk while he puts together his avatar—red with the cowboy hat, as always.

“Who’re we playing with today?” he asks once he’s done and takes another sip from his coffee.

It’s still early for him and if he wants to get through the next few hours without making a fool of himself, caffeine is desperately needed.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you, Nora and I invited Henry and Pez,” June says nonchalantly and Alex can almost imagine her sitting in front of her desk with a grin, a small shrug of her shoulders.

He can feel his stomach running hot and tries his best to keep calm. “Henry as in Henry Fox?”

The others are silent for a moment. “Yeah. Got a problem with that?” Nora asks.

Alex watches as a new wave of messages floods his chat though he doesn’t pay them much attention. “No, I’m just… surprised, that’s all.”

In reality, Alex has a big fat problem with it. He usually doesn’t mind when Nora or June invite others to play along but normally they would ask him first.

Alex doesn’t have beef with many YouTubers and he prefers to stay out of drama in general but everything about Henry Fox just rubs him the wrong way.

He wants to make a snarky remark but bites his tongue at the last second as the others start to slowly join the voice chat and he doesn’t want to sound like an asshole. Because he really isn’t. Alex is a nice guy, he knows that he is.

**cornbread:** _Henry Fox??_ _  
_**maja_the_bee:** _that guy is brilliant_ _  
_**kyle_240** : _he’s gay tho_ _  
_**sir__:** _kick his ass lmao_ _  
_**gaybookclub:** @kyle_240 _got a problem with that?_ _  
_**kornacki_stan_bee:** _poor Henry, I hope he survives this_ _  
_**yessir_c:** _I’m so excited about this lobby!!!_

He hears Henry’s voice before he catches his name in the Discord but the sound of his posh accent alone makes his blood boil and Alex seriously reconsidered his plan to play nice.

“Uh, thanks for inviting me,” Henry says, shyly. “It’s my first time streaming and playing in general. I’m a little scared, to be honest.” Henry laughs awkwardly.

“Don’t worry about it,” June says. “We can give you a short briefing if you need it.”

Alex grits his teeth and tries his best to not shoot back a snarky remark.

A message from Nora pops up.

**Supersonic Nora:** _don’t be an ass, ok?_ _  
_**Alex:** _you guys know how I feel about him_ _  
_**Supersonic Nora:** _idk what your beef with him is but please, play nice for once_ _  
_**Supersonic Nora:** _this means a lot to June_ _  
_**Supersonic Nora:** _and if you mess this up, I’ll murder you in your sleep_ _  
_**Supersonic Nora:** _if you don’t, I’ll get you Taco Bell after we’re done_ _  
_**Alex:** _Jesus Christ, okay_ _  
_**Supersonic Nora:** _good boy_ _  
_**Supersonic Nora:** _and now be nice_

Alex sighs.

He hates to admit it but Nora’s right. June has been a fan of Henry’s since the beginning and playing with him seems to be very important to her. Though Alex doesn’t quite understand why his sister likes that dude so much.

It’s probably the accent.

Alex shakes his head. Whatever it is, he still hates him. But for the sake of his sister’s happiness and to avoid being murdered by Nora in his sleep, he decides to play along. At least until Henry does something stupid first. They can’t blame him if Henry is the one who started it.

“We’re glad you’re here,” June says and Alex can tell how excited she is. She probably has the biggest smile plastered across her face and wriggles in her seat, unable to sit still.

He feels a tiny bit guilty for getting angry at her for inviting Henry but it doesn’t change the fact that Henry is his sworn enemy.

Alex takes another sip of his coffee before he decides to say something too. “Hello, sweetheart,” he purrs in his best Texan accent, a deep and rough drawl, and leans back with a satisfied grin when he hears Nora choke on her coke and June giggle.

“Uh, hi?” Henry answers. “Why the fuck do you sound like you gurgle whiskey and have a pack of cigarettes a day?”

Alex snorts. “Sorry, I’m not posh like you,” he says with a little more spite than probably necessary.

Another message from Nora.

**Supersonic Nora:** _cut it out, Alex_ _  
_**Alex:** _I didn’t even do anything_ _  
_**Supersonic Nora:** _you know exactly what you did_

“I, uh, didn’t mean to sound rude, sorry,” Henry says, shyly.

And for a second, Alex actually feels bad but he pushes that feeling away quickly. Who does Henry think he is? That he can just waltz in with his stupidly attractive accent and stupidly soothing voice? Fuck no.

**cornbread:** _that accent, fuck_ _  
_**yeetusd3letus:** _which one, lmao?_ _  
_**cinnamontoastcrunch_69:** _I want them both to rail me_ _  
_**PearBoba:** _Please call me sweetheart, Alex!! uwu_ _  
_**princesspeaxh:** _break my back, daddy_ _  
_**missy45678:** _Minecraft pls??_ _  
_**impasta** : _I’m simping_

“Damn,” Pez breaks the silence, “your voice is what fucking Lucifer should sound like. Holy shit.”

Alex finds himself blushing, awkwardly chewing on his lower lip. “Thanks?”

Pez laughs, “I got you covered, man.”

Alex isn’t quite sure what that’s supposed to mean but he doesn’t have much time to think about it either because the first game starts. He mutes his microphone and tries to regain his composure since, judging by his chat, he hasn’t been the best at keeping his cool the past minutes.

**sir__:** _you ok, bro?_ _  
_**cornbread:** _you look a lil stressed_ _  
_**angry_avocados:** _I bet he has a crush on Henry lmao_ _  
_**soot3r:** _that lobby ain’t it, chief_ _  
_**globalgal:** _who the fuck is Henry??_ _  
_**pretzelchen:** _you’re not yourself…_ _  
_**gnome_irl:** _June looks like a little blueberry!_ _  
_**impasta:** _I’m off to bed but see you guys next time! Have fun_ _  
_**gaybookclub:** _you can still quit, you know?_ _  
_**the_qu33n:** @soot3r _fuck off mate_

It’s one of his flaws, Alex knows that. He tends to wear his emotions openly on his sleeve and his poker face could use some serious work. But he just can’t help it sometimes.

Back in high school, lacrosse was his way of letting out pent-up emotions from a stressful week at school or his parent’s divorce, but now he spends most of his time inside and in front of the computer, producing content for his socials.  
And he loves what he does.

His mother likes to say that Alex is made to be on stage, being on camera, sharing his life. He has a certain dramatic flair, an intriguing personality people want to know more about, a story that inspires others. Not that Alex thinks that anyone should idolize him, though he enjoys the attention.

The first few rounds, nothing spectacular happens. He’s a crewmate most times and finds himself either dead the first round somewhere in electrical or he gets ejected along the way. He spends the time after completing his tasks with stalking Henry, unwillingly of course. What a pretentious fucker, he thinks and takes another sip of his now cold coffee.

**sir__:** _if Henry isn’t the impostor, I’ll kms_ _  
_ **evergreenelves:** _Alex always dying first is such a mood lmao_ _  
_ **hufflebuddy:** _it’s Henry and Nora!! C’mon guys_ _  
_ **durchlauferhitzer:** _asdghj, ALEX_ _  
_ **yeetusd3letus:** _I swear Henry just fucking murdered June_ _  
_ **4_lice1:** _he’s playing y’all_ _  
_ **gnome_irl:** _nooo, June_ _  
_ **david76:** _he’s either being extremely stupid or he’s whooping your ass_ _  
_ **birblover:** _there is no way that this is his first game_ _  
_ **british_teacup:** _Henry is killing it rn_ _  
_ **british_teacup:** _literally_

But even Alex has to admit that Henry is fucking brilliant at being the impostor. So much for playing the game for the first time, Alex thinks. He probably has been stalking their older streams to get a feeling of how they play because there is no way in fucking hell he is that good. It’s very annoying.

During their last round, Alex and Henry end up both being impostor. It works out pretty well at first though Alex often finds himself in unfortunate places, standing too close to a body or faking a task for too long. He’s more nervous than usual but simply blames it on his coffee when the chat catches onto his nervous ticks.

And for a split second, Alex even thinks that he and Henry are a great team but that feeling quickly subsides when Henry decides to blame him during their next emergency meeting without any reason whatsoever and the rest of the team vote him off without a question.

At this point, Alex is a complete mess.

**sir__:** _he really just did that, huh?_ _  
_**ilove1D:** _holy shit_ _  
_**PearBoba:** _if he doesn’t win this, I’ll riot_ _  
_**c0rpse:** _this is the funniest fucking shit I’ve ever seen_ _  
_**juju342_:** _poor Alex_ _  
_**supremepanda90:** _damn_ __  
**milktea:** _sdfghj_ _  
_**milktea:** _I can’t believe this just happened_

Afterwards, Alex collapses on his sofa, burying his face in a pillow with an exhausted groan. It’s past noon and despite the horrendous amounts of coffee he has consumed during the stream, Alex is tired. He barely notices Nora and June entering his apartment. He hears them kicking off their shoes before they head in towards the living room.

“What’s wrong, little bro?” June asks as he jumps onto the sofa and stretches her legs out and gently nudges Alex with her foot.

Instead of answering, Alex just groans again, dismissingly waving his hand into the vague direction of his sister.

Nora sets two brown paper bags down and shoves Alex until he rolls over and makes space for her to sit down. “We got you food, idiot,” Nora says and starts to unpack burritos and tacos until they form a small pile on his coffee table.

“Please don’t make me do this ever again,” Alex groans as he slowly crawls up into a sitting position and grabs a burrito from the pile, peeling back the foil and taking a big bite.

“I had fun,” June says with a soft giggle as she helps herself to a taco and her coke.

“Even thinking about his stupid avatar with that stupid little pink flower makes me want to throw up,” Ales says between bites.

Nora and June eye each other before they fix him with a stern look that Alex knows means nothing good.

“What?” he asks through a mouthful of food, wiping some excess sour cream away with the sleeve of his hoodie. Ironically, it has the British flag on it—a gift from his mum after her and Leo’s honeymoon in London.

“There’s something we need to talk to you about,” June begins and picks at her food, shooting Nora a nervous glance.

“We have invited Henry to film a couple of videos with him. About growing up queer and coming out in the modern-day of the Internet and social media. A small documentary, if you want to call it that,” Nora says proudly and gestures with her burrito before she takes a bite, chews quickly and swallows loudly. “Some exciting stuff, really. We’ve been working on it for a couple of months now.”

“And what do I have to do with it?” Alex asks and raises an eyebrow, taking a sip from his drink. “You can do whatever you want with him as long as you leave me out of it.”

His drink is sugary and sweet on his tongue but not sweet enough to overpower the bitter taste that starts to form in the back of his mouth from the look the couple is giving him.

“We, well, invited him to stay at _your_ place,” June says quickly. “We didn’t mean to arrange it over your head but you would have said no either way. Sorry, Al.”

June reaches out but Alex brushes her hand off without turning to look at her. Instead, his eyes are fixed on the burrito he’s holding.

Alex sits quietly for a moment, the warmth inside his gut is getting uncomfortably hot though he’s not sure whether it is from anger and disappointment or the spice in his food.

He wants to be mad at them because he is, he really is, but the rational part of his brain reacts before he can do anything stupid. “Why isn’t he taking a hotel?” he asks, voice strained in an attempt to stay calm.

June and Nora exchange quick glances before Nora answers, “Have you tried booking hotels recently? The prices are absolutely horrendous. Plus, he will be in walking distance from our studio and you can work through whatever beef you guys have in the meantime. I like to call it _exposure therapy_.”

“We don’t have _beef_ , Nora,” Alex grumbles. “And I’m not taking psychological advice for someone who lives off of half-frozen pizza bites and energy drinks.”

“If you don’t have any beef as you say, then I don’t see a reason as to why he shouldn’t stay with you,” Nora shoots back and nudges his knee, grinning.

Alex doesn’t answer.

“What happened between you guys anyway?” June asks as she leans over to grab another taco. “You never talked about it but every time I mention him, you look like an angry frog.”

Alex sighs and crumbles his burrito wrapper and licks salsa off of his lips and fingers before he wordlessly takes the offered paper towel from Nora.

“He stood me up at a convention,” Alex says after a while, taking a sip from his drink and nervously chewing on the green plastic straw. “It was my very first convention and we were for some reason grouped together. I had barely a hundred thousand subscribers and was super nervous. But Henry didn’t show up and didn’t answer any messages or calls either.”

“Oh, I remember,” June says quietly. “Mum and I were there with you and you almost started crying on stage.”

Alex shoots her an angry glare. “I wasn’t crying, June, I had a fucking panic attack, okay? Even though I haven’t touched a proper book in years at that point, I looked up to Henry for some reason. My audience was so small compared to his at that time, too. I felt so unimportant but being able to share a stage with him meant a lot.”

He sighs, shoulders slumped forward.

“I’m not even sure he remembers me at all but that day still haunts me and I just don’t know how to act around him. I just get so… angry.”

“Wow, that’s… something,” Nora says, quietly. “I always thought that you didn’t like him because he’s, you know, _gay_.”

“What the fuck, Nora,” Alex replies. “Do you really think that bad of me? Jesus fucking Christ.”

Nora chuckles and shrugs. “Hey, don’t hold it against me. It’s not like you’re extremely supportive or anything.”

Alex wants to defend himself but Nora silences him with a dismissive wave of her hand and says, “On a more serious note though, we can rearrange the whole thing if you want. We could find a different place for Henry to stay or reschedule it completely. It will be a lot of paperwork and shit but the last thing we want to do is make you feel uncomfortable in your own home.”

They both smile at him kindly.

Alex shakes his head. “No, it’s fine. I’ll just keep myself busy with work while he’s here or maybe I’ll drive up to Seattle and visit Liam for a weekend.”

“So he can stay with you?” June asks, excited.

Alex can’t help but laugh and nods. He might despise Henry but seeing his sister and Nora happy will always have top priority in his life.

“I think so, yeah. But I swear to god, if any of you mention the convention to him even remotely, I will murder you.”

Nora and June grin at each other. “Deal,” they say in unison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to leave kudos and a comment 💜


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has left comments and kudos so far. It really means a lot to me 🥺
> 
> I like to call this chapter: Alex is feeling a lot of things and he's being an absolute idiot about it. No homo and all 😳

That evening, after Nora and June are long gone, Alex finds himself curled up in his bed, munching on dried apples and scrolling through Henry’s social media accounts.

He hasn’t looked at them for years after he forced Liam to block Henry on all of them after the disaster at the convention. There is no particular reason why he has decided to unblock Henry today other than he wants to know what he’s getting himself into.

Absolutely no ulterior motives. At least that’s what he likes to tell himself.

He still thinks that this is a terrible idea and if he and Henry don’t end up tearing each other to pieces, it might be just embarrassing enough for Alex to wish he’d die on the spot. He might have to flee the country and come up with an entirely new identity if Henry were to walk in on him singing or even wanking in the shower. The imagery alone makes Alex’s skin crawl.

It’s not like Alex has never shared an apartment before with anyone, he knows how to lock the bathroom door or keep interaction to a bare minimum. Still, none of his flatmates so far has been a certain British guy who he’s holding a massive grudge against.

Henry’s YouTube channel looks similar to how Alex remembers it.

His content hasn’t changed too much either, his thumbnails still crisp and well-edited without giving too much away or seeming too busy. Henry mostly does book and film reviews, queer education, social commentary, a few weekly vlogs, and a handful of videos documenting his travels. From what Alex can grasp, Henry has so far been to Germany, Japan, South Africa, the US, New Zealand, Norway and probably a bunch of other countries.

Alex has to admit that he’s a little jealous of how much Henry has seen of the world already. Alex has been mostly to different cities across the States and to Mexico and Australia. He knows that some people never leave their home country and that he is privileged enough to travel at all, but he still feels like Henry is ten steps ahead of him and that he needs to catch up.

The only noticeable difference is the channel name itself. It used to be _Commentary by Henry_ but it now simply says _Henry Fox._ A name so simple and bland it’s almost a little too funny.

Though Alex shouldn’t be the one to talk—his channel has been through more changes than he can even recall. He has called himself _AGCD Games_ first, way back in the day when he was secretly playing Minecraft in the middle of the night. He was _Games with A_ and _GamePlaysA_ for a week but nothing stuck until June suggested he should go by just _AGCD_.

Alex scrolls further down and scans some of the titles and, despite his best efforts, finds himself halfway between an annoyed smile and a grin from the pure chaos he is met with.

_I read After and it’s truly horrible_

_Rating Harry Potter Characters on how gay they are_

_A Brit predicts the US elections without any knowledge of US geography_

_Rating all of my mugs because you asked me to_

_Exposing the truly horrible poetry I wrote in high school_

_Taking every single personality test that exists to prevent an identity crisis_

_I read fanfiction about myself and it was only half-bad_

_Things in my apartment that aren’t a pride flag but essentially are_

_Victor Frankenstein has a serious gay problem and we need to talk about it_

_Rating every single tea that I own because I’m British_

_I read the bible so you don’t have to (yes, the whole thing)_

Alex abandons Henry’s YouTube and goes over to his Instagram which bears just as many exciting things.

Henry’s feed looks clean and professional. Most of his recent pictures show him inside of cosy bookstores, sitting in coffee shops, holding up piles of books into the camera or show him in various locations with his dog, David.

Who in their right mind would ever name their dog David in the first place?

It’s something Alex has always had a strong opinion about. The possibilities of unique and funny names for pets are endless and yet some people decided to go with generic human names? How boring.

Henry’s newest picture shows him wearing a light blue suit with a dark blue tie and without realizing it, Alex is zooming in on the picture because the suit fits Henry annoyingly well and it’s utterly infuriating.

Alex has worn a handful of suits himself during his lifetime to different events and most of them have been tailored specifically for him but none of them has ever looked as good on him as this suit looks on Henry.

It’s not only very annoying and infuriating but also incredibly unfair.

Alex tries his best to stay in shape. He goes to the gym a couple of times a week, makes sure to balance cardio and weight training and he watches what he eats most of the time. Yet, comparing himself to Henry makes his efforts seem fruitless.

Some very small part of his brain even wants to rip this stupid suit off of Henry. He’s not quite sure why he thinks that but chooses to ignore it, shoving that warm feeling inside of his belly deep down and decides to rather ignore it than have to deal with it at all.

It’s also the first time Alex actually realizes how stupidly blue Henry’s eyes are. He vaguely remembers their colour to be blue-ish but not as intense as they look here. It’s almost scary.

Alex isn’t sure what they remind him of. Maybe the ocean? Ice on a frozen lake? The small candy sharks he and June used to share every Sunday when they were kids? The sky just before the sun sets?

Alex would never dare to say it out loud but he has to admit that Henry is good looking. He’s not sure why exactly he feels that way but there are at least a handful of things he could name right off the top of his head.

Henry’s eyes would be a very obvious first choice. He feels as if Henry’s eyes are the ocean and he’s helplessly floating there, gently rocking from side to side. It’s a weird sensation and he doesn’t really know how to put it but it’s a comfortable feeling, a familiar feeling even.

But Henry’s face is also annoyingly symmetrical with a straight nose, defined cheekbones and a sharp jaw. Alex wants to touch his face, wants to drag his fingers along the sharp line of his jaw, brush his thumb across Henry’s cheekbones, press his lips against Henry’s.

Henry has long lashes that cast soft shadows on his lightly tanned skin and Alex would bet that it’s not only super soft but that Henry also smells good as hell. Maybe a little like peach with hints of wood, maybe spice or sugar. He hates how much he wants to bury his nose in the delicate crook of Henry’s neck and lace his fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck. 

And even though he doesn’t understand why or how he’s feeling these things, it makes him crave them even more despite how much Alex doesn’t want to admit to any of it, doesn’t want to allow himself to dwell on it for much longer.

Henry’s hair is a soft sand-colour and Alex wonders what kind of shampoo he uses to make it look that way. Alex could only dream of hair as silky and cooperative as Henry’s. His curls tend to be a total mess when he steps out of the shower and most days, he doesn’t even attempt to fix them. Over the years, he has learned to just roll with it.

He spends the next fifteen minutes scrolling through Henry’s posts and tagged pictures but there is one that stands out to him especially, and he finds himself scrolling back to it multiple times and staring at it for at least a minute.

It’s a little blurry but Alex can clearly make out Henry in the middle. He’s sitting on an old, worn-out sofa with, what Alex assumes, must be his friends. Maybe from university? Did Henry even go to university? Alex doesn’t know the answer to either of those questions, not that it matters to him or anything. He’s just curious. There is nothing wrong with being curious now is there? Alex isn’t even sure why he’s trying to defend himself. There is no one around to judge him other than the stuffed animal Nora got him years ago that still sits on his bedside table.

In the picture, Henry’s shoulders are relaxed, arms spread out across the back of the sofa, one leg up on the glass coffee table. He smiles with the corner of his lips curled into a sly grin but he looks happy overall, content even. His hair a mess from where it peaks out underneath his dark green beanie. Alex feels the strong urge to gently tug the loose strands away.

Henry wears a simple white tee with an unbuttoned flannel on top, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and a pair of torn converse with mismatched socks peeking out at the top. One of the shoelaces is undone, the other in a wonky, half-hearted knot.

Instagram dates the picture four years ago and if Alex is doing the math correctly, Henry must have been nineteen at the time. He does look slightly younger but the biggest difference is the way which Henry carries himself in this picture. He looks more relaxed, happier.

Alex scrolls back up a bit to look at more recent posts. Here Henry is still smiling but it doesn’t look as honest as it did four years ago. He scrolls down again and to his horror, Alex’s finger slips and he accidentally double taps the picture. He stares at the red heart for a moment before he quickly unlikes it again and shoves his phone underneath his pillow.

Speaking of embarrassing himself in front of Henry, Alex would very much appreciate it if the floor of his bedroom would open beneath him and swallow him up right now. The last thing he needs today is Henry noticing that he has been practically _stalking_ him for the past hour.

It’s not like Alex has never accidentally liked a picture before but it has never been one that old and definitely not one from Henry fucking Fox.

Maybe, Alex thinks, I’m lucky enough and he’s sleeping. Maybe he’s not even running his account and maybe he’s getting so much traffic that his little mistake might go unnoticed

Alex is tired, mentally and physically exhausted. All of today’s events seem to finally catch up to him and Alex isn’t sure what he is supposed to be feeling right now. On one hand, he had an amazing stream even with Henry there. On the other hand, the existential dread he’s feeling from willingly letting Henry stay over at his apartment makes his stomach flip with an intensity that causes his skin to break out in goosebumps.

Alex likes to think that maybe, just maybe, he’s been wrong about Henry all this time. He likes to look for the good in people and he feels as if he has seen a lot of Henry’s good side today. He’s smart and funny, a little too good at lying and he’s surprisingly easy to be around. But Alex still can’t shake the overwhelming bubbly feeling he gets every time he is around or thinks about Henry, no matter how hard he tries. Alex isn’t good with emotions, he never has been. And it drives him insane that Henry is able to mess with him so much and that there is seemingly nothing he can do about it.

Alex buries his face in his pillow with an embarrassed groan and tries to think of anything but Henry wearing that light blue suit until he finally falls asleep in the early grey morning hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Comments and kudos are as always very much appreciated 💜


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are literally so sweet 🥺 Reading your reactions and sweet comments is literally my favourite thing ever 🥺

The remaining weeks until Henry’s scheduled visit to Los Angeles pass by quicker than Alex would like them to. He’s tried to keep himself busy for the days leading up to it—meetings, hour-long streams, filming and editing videos and content for his Instagram and YouTube. He has taken on a handful of new brand deals, doing anything to keep his mind busy and occupied with anything but Henry. Alex is a workaholic but he has surely reached his limits at this point.

On the day of Henry’s arrival, Alex barely makes it out of bed.

He has been awake for most of the night editing and recording voice-overs until he physically dragged himself over into his bedroom for a few hours of sleep. The exhaustion still sits deep in his bones and underneath his eyes the next morning.

He somehow makes it out of bed and into the kitchen where he prepares himself a coffee before he slumps down on the sofa and turns on the TV. The weather forecast is more comforting background noise than proper entertainment but it’s distracting enough for Alex to finish his coffee and go through his morning routine in peace without thinking too much about sharing his space with Henry in a matter of hours.

Alex continues to keep himself busy with scrolling through TikTok and doing the dishes that he has been procrastinating for the past days. After that, he answers some mails and puts the finishing touches on the video he plans to upload today. It’s one of his more serious videos— _Why We Need To Reform Our Immigration Politics._

It’s a video Alex has been working on for a couple of weeks, interviewing his dad, his grandparents and other immigrants he knows. He talks about their hurdles, the struggles, the prejudice.

Over the years, Alex has found a comfortable balance between light-hearted content that offers a safe space to many people and educational content mainly focused on current political discussions. That’s what he went to school for, after all.

His more polarizing, political videos rarely go viral or even get close to his normal amount of views but Alex doesn’t care. It’s not about the clicks and money for him anyway. It never has been. This isn’t just his hobby or simply his job, politics, despite what people might believe, has been and always will be his biggest passion.

He is pulled out of his work focus when his phone lights up with a message from June.

**Junebug**   
_online_ **  
**

Could you please pick Henry up from the airport?  
Nora and I are busy with the set and won’t make it in time  
 _2:43 pm_

Are you seriously asking me this right now?  
You know how I feel about him  
Please don’t make me do this  
 _2:44 pm_

Please, Alex  
Just this once  
I’ll pay for your food next time  
And I’ll venmo you gas money  
 _2:45 pm_

Okay, fine  
But I will hate every minute of it  
 _2:47 pm_

You’re the best  
 _2:48_

His flight lands 4:30  
Drive safely xx  
 _2:50 pm_

Alex puts his phone back down and rubs a hand across his face with an exhausted sigh. He still has a good thirty minutes before he has to go but it leaves him with barely any time to get back into work. Instead, he leaves his office and wanders around the apartment, grabs himself a coke from the fridge and enters the bedroom Henry will stay in.

It’s a relatively plain room, the large bed tucked against the wall below a window, a small nightstand beside it with two of Alex’s favourite books _—_ Pride and Prejudice, and The Outsiders. He obviously has put them there for decorative purposes and not at all because he feels the urge to impress Henry. The bedsheets are a soft blue colour and they involuntarily make Alex think of Henry. Once Henry is back in England, he’ll have to throw them out. Alone, the thought of having something in his home that reminds him of Henry leaves a bitter taste in his mouth.

He sits down on the bed, smoothing his hand over the soft linen sheets before he pulls out his phone. He slumps back onto the mattress and opens up the YouTube app and before Alex can think about it, he types in _Henry Fox_. To his surprise, Alex finds that Henry has uploaded a new video just a few hours ago.

_Getting drunk and taking the BDSM test (but make it gay)_

Alex stares at the title for a good minute. He’s not sure what he’s thinking or feeling but the crimson heat that creeps up to his ears and down his neck speaks for itself. Alex likes to think of himself as rather comfortable with his sexuality. He likes girls, he likes to be commanded around from time to time, he prefers giving oral instead of receiving. But the idea of putting something so private about yourself on the internet would make him freak out and he’s surprised that Henry would do something like this. Despite the nervousness that sends his stomach fluttering, Alex clicks on the video.

The opening shot is of Henry sitting in a patchwork armchair with a glass of what Alex assumes must be red wine. He swings the glass gently from side to side, sending the red liquid inside swirling around. “Welcome,” Henry says, “to this video I’m filming for the sole purpose of getting drunk on a Monday morning.” He lifts the glass up and takes a sip, licking remedies of the red liquid off from his lips.

The next minutes feel like the shortest yet longest in Alex’s entire life. It’s one thing to read the questions yourself but hearing Henry read them out loud, talking about what he thinks and explaining his answers before he downs some red wine followed by licking his lips is on an entirely different level. 

It stirs something inside of Alex that he has never felt before, something he has never thought of before either.

Maybe, he thinks as he slips his phone back into his pocket and leaves Henry’s soon-to-be room, I’d like to be pushed against a wall too. And he hates Henry even more.

When it’s time for him to leave, Alex puts on his shoes, grabs a jacket just for safety, his sunglasses and keys and heads out the door. He’s still a little flushed and fuzzy from Henry’s video and has trouble focusing on the road so he calls Liam and puts him on speaker to keep his mind off of things. _Things_ being images of Henry in bed, begging, maybe even talking and talking and talking about what he wants with his stupid accent, blue eyes glazed over, cheeks flushed red. 

I like girls, Alex tells himself over and over again to the point where every image of Henry inside of his mind is replaced with a random girl he hooked up with during his time at university but the hot and fuzzy feeling inside his gut and underneath his sternum still doesn’t go away.

Close to the airport, he stops by a Starbucks and gets him and Henry coffee. He’s not sure what to get Henry so he gets them both a soy latte and joins the queue of cars lining up towards the airport. Finding a parking spot is near impossible and once he has found one, Alex finds himself sprinting to get to the arrival terminal in time.

Henry’s flight is in the middle of landing when Alex makes it there. He pushes his way through the crowd farther towards the front. The doors open and the first wave of passengers pour out and Alex quickly scans them for Henry but the Brit is nowhere in sight so Alex focuses his attention back on his phone. He’s scrolling through Twitter when he catches a glimpse of Henry’s sandy hair in the next wave of passengers. 

To Alex’s disappointment, Henry looks just like he does in his videos and pictures. Even after his long flight, he looks infuriatingly put together. He wears dark jeans and a white shirt tucked into his pants with the first set of buttons undone, exposing parts of his chest and a necklace with a ring that rests against his sternum. The sleeves of his shirt are rolled up to his elbows. He carries his suitcase in one hand, a backpack slung over his shoulder, stopping in his tracks to scan the crowd.

Alex pushes himself off of the pillar he’s been leaning against and makes his way over to Henry. He tries to come up with something smart to say, a funny greeting perhaps but when he comes to a halt in front of Henry, he just opens and closes his mouth a few times before he croaks out a, “Hi. I’m… Alex. June’s brother.” Alex clears his throat with an awkward cough.

Henry looks down at him with his eyes so blue Alex fears he might drown in them. No picture, video or even painting could ever do their colour justice.

Of course, Alex thinks, Henry is not only handsome but also stupidly tall. He has at least a few inches on him that make him tower a little above Alex. To make up for it, Alex pushes his chin a little forward and straightens his shoulders even if it makes him look ridiculous, it makes him feel a little less small next to Henry.

There’s a smile curling at the corner of Henry’s lips and then he grins brightly down at Alex. “I figured,” he says. And Alex was prepared for his accent, he has heard it before but it does things to him that make his stomach flip with such intensity, he fears he might throw up all over their shoes.

I want to punch him, Alex thinks. Instead, he says, “Yeah.”

They proceed to stare at each other before Alex remembers that he’s supposed to be a host to Henry and gestures for him to follow him through the crowd and towards the parking deck. “Let’s get out of here,” he says and starts pushing his way through the crowd. When he turns back shortly to see if Henry is following him, their eyes meet in a quick, blink-and-you-miss-it moment, but it almost makes Alex stop in his tracks.

They walk to the car in silence and Alex finds that he somehow doesn’t mind it. He thought that silence between the two of them would be super awkward and even though he feels the pressure of being a good host, he enjoys the way Henry’s shoulder brushes against him every now and then as they walk, both of them lost in their own thoughts. “I got you a soy latte,” Alex says, finally breaking the silence as they approach his car. 

“Oh,” Henry says, “thanks.”

Alex feels the muscles on his jaw tightening. That’s all he has to say? Thanks? He blows out air through his nose a little more aggressive than probably necessary and unlocks the car and opens the trunk for Henry, then walks around and gets in the car. He wants to scream, slam his head against the steering wheel and rant about how much he hates this guy but the door on the passenger’s side opens and Henry gets into the car. Alex wordlessly hands Henry his latte, making sure to avoid Henry’s touch at all costs, turns on the radio and starts the motor, pulling out of the parking lot.

The ride to Alex’s apartment is just as silent as their walk to the car earlier but this time Alex can feel the pressure on his shoulders. He’s about to show Henry his apartment, his safe space, his workplace. His apartment is so much more to him than just a place to eat and sleep. Inviting someone else over, more or less voluntarily, makes his skin crawl with a certain anxiousness he’s not used to feeling.

Alex unlocks the front door and steps inside, kicking his shoes off and gesturing for Henry to do the same. “I got the guest room ready for you,” Alex says, “we have to share a bathroom though. Hope you don’t mind.”

Henry looks up from where he kneels on the floor to undo his shoelaces. “I think I’ll manage,” he replies and Henry has the fucking audacity to grin at him.

He looks like the sun and Alex has never wanted to fight the sun as much as he does right now.

“Your room is through the living room, the door on the far right. I’ll call June and let her know that I haven’t accidentally killed you or something,” Alex says and quickly turns on his heels, practically storming out of the hallway and Henry’s sight before Henry gets the chance to make a comment about the blush on his face.

Alex pulls out his phone and dials June’s number and when she doesn’t pick up, he tries to call Nora and then decides to simply shoot her a message. 

**Junebug**

I picked him up  
And yes, he’s still alive  
Sadly  
 _5:17 pm_ _  
_  
And just as insufferable as I thought  
Can you please put me out of my misery now?  
 _5:19 pm_

June, I’m begging you  
Please don’t leave me alone with him  
 _5:20 pm_

I’m fucking begging you  
Please look at your stupid phone  
 _5:21 pm_

No matter how hard Alex stares at his phone, his thumb anxiously tapping against the screen, June neither calls him back nor answers to any of his messages. He leans against the closed bathroom door with an exhausted sigh and lets himself drop down to the floor, rubbing a hand across his hot face and tossing his phone to the side.

He’s torn between the sudden comfort he was feeling with Henry, the certain familiarity in his eyes, and the utter pressure he feels building up inside his chest to the point Alex fears he might explode. It’s a constant pull in two directions, debating in his head whether Henry is actually a nice person or if Alex should continue to hold the same grudge he has been holding for the past three years.

On one hand, the day at the convention still haunts him to this day. He looked forward to sharing a stage with Henry since the day he got invited to the convention and was barely able to sleep the night before. He had practised what he was going to say, had rewatched all of Henry’s videos to prepare himself, created lists and graphs of Henry’s interests and content, his choice of words and his favourite sayings.

But on the other hand, Henry didn’t show up that day and he never explained it to Alex. Not on the day itself and not any days that followed. No mail, no message, no call. Alex never expects much from anyone but the last thing he deserves from Henry is an explanation and an apology. A long overdue one at that, too.

He ruffles a hand through his hair and gets back up, splashing his face with some cold water before he heads out of the bathroom. 

He has made up his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to leave kudos and a comment 💜


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to admit, that I haven't been to an authentic Mexican restaurant yet either 😳 But I like to make Mexican food (the white people version though) at home 👀
> 
> Thank you to Maria for helping me with the food selection, made this a whole lot easier 💜
> 
> Also, I made a playlist for this fic! Feel free to check it out [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3oO7WSe1zo7WUKv1gs0g9x?si=z9iywVnMQZCD9d8bQvuxeA)[]() 🔊 If you have any futher song suggestions, please let me know in the comments.

When Alex wakes up the next morning, he finds the door to Henry’s room open and he’s nowhere in sight either. Alex finds a note from Henry on the kitchen island. It reads  _ I’m off for the shoot, see you at dinner  _ in a very clean, cursive handwriting. Alex stares at the note before he folds it up and puts it into the pocket of his hoodie before he resumes with his morning routine. 

He finds the bathroom used, the air inside still a little warm and damp from Henry’s shower earlier, the room smelling like sea salt and peach with hints of pine. 

Alex goes through his routine quickly and finds himself sitting at his desk with a steaming cup of coffee thirty minutes later. It’s Wednesday which means mails upon mails, replying to comments and brainstorming for his next video. 

_ Cheese Fondue With Anything But Cheese _

_ Memeing My Friends _

_ Reacting To TikToks About Me _

_~~Guessing British Slang feat. Henry Fox~~ _

_ Trying To Learn The WAP Dance _

~~_ Taking The BDSM Test  _ ~~

_ Giving Myself A Stick And Poke Tattoo (please don’t try this at home) _

_ Trying To Learn How To Speak In A British Accent _

_ DIY Cheese _

_ Dressing Like Harry Styles For A Week _

But Alex finds that he doesn’t enjoy any of these ideas and decides to postpone the video planning for later that day and returns his attention back to his mails and the call he has with his manager in a few minutes.

During his lunch break, Alex finds himself wandering through his neighbourhood on the hunt for something to eat. He would usually fix himself lunch at home but he feels the need to get out of the house to clear his head. 

Henry hasn’t been in his thoughts a lot these past hours. Alex tends to get into his working zone fairly easy and not even someone like Henry could sneak his way in to distract him. But now that he is out of his zone, Henry is back. Alex isn’t thinking about Henry in any particular context, no emotional reaction, nothing. Henry is just there as if he brought himself his patchwork chair and a good book to kill the time.

He walks past June and Nora’s studio and decides to pay them a visit. But to his demise, he finds the studio empty except for Henry who’s currently bent over a table and shuffling through pictures and newspaper excerpts. Alex gently knocks on the doorframe as he steps in causing Henry to look up. “Nora and June just went out to get lunch. Missed them by a minute,” he says before he returns to look at the picture he’s holding.

“Oh,” Alex says and remains in the doorframe for a second, unsure whether he’s welcome here or not. He could call June and ask where they went and join them but Henry decides for him when he says, “If you’re not otherwise busy, we could go and get lunch.”

Alex wants to say no and he almost does but then Henry smiles at him. A smile that Alex hasn’t seen on him before. It’s small, barely noticeable, a shy tug at the corner of his lips. 

Alex is not supposed to like Henry, he knows that somewhere deep in his heart but Henry is making this a lot harder for him than necessary.

_ I don’t like you. _

_ I hate you. _

_ I looked up to you but you just left me. You fucking left me alone on that stupid stage, Henry. _

Alex would like to say all these things to Henry, wants to shove them down his throat before he turns on his heels and storms out, slamming the door shut behind him. A loud bang, followed by freedom. His freedom, the weight he has been carrying for the past three years finally lifted off of his shoulders. He can almost taste the words on his tongue, hot and heavy, the freedom a tickling breath against his neck.

“Sure,” Alex says instead and clears his throat, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. “There is a small Mexican restaurant around the corner if you’d like. But the pizza place across the street is also pretty good, too.” He pushes the door open and puts his sunglasses back on. “It’s up to you.”

“I never had Mexican food,” Henry says, one hand in his pocket and ruffling through his hair with the other.

Alex chokes and then laughs. “Are you serious?” Henry tilts his head as if he’s not quite grasping what Alex is talking about. “I must say that I’m not surprised but Jesus Christ, Henry. Have you been living under a rock?”

This time, Henry laughs too and shakes his head. “No, England. But it’s almost the same.” He winks and Alex watches with a blush creeping up his face as Henry moves across the room, grabbing his jacket and backpack before he brushes past Alex out into the sun. He still smells faintly like sea salt and peach but this time mixed with a hint of sun lotion and coffee.

Henry turns and watches Alex as he locks the door behind him and they head down the road in silence. Alex grinds his teeth and tries to figure out whether he should say something or not but he decides to stay quiet.

The restaurant is quite busy this time of day but Alex and Henry find a free table by the window. 

“How was your day so far? Do you like LA?” Alex asks because he starts to feel bad for giving Henry the silent treatment. His eyes are glued to the menu in his hand, avoiding to look Henry in the eyes even though he knows the entire menu by heart.

“I’m a little tired but other than that, we talked a lot of things through today that we didn’t get the chance to talk about before. I’m really looking forward to this project and I think LA was a way better location choice than London,” Henry says and, accidentally or not, brushes his foot against Alex’s.

Alex quickly looks up from the menu before he lowers his eyes again. “How come?” he asks and shifts uncomfortably in his seat, Henry’s gaze weighing heavily on him.

“Well, cinematographically speaking, LA looks a lot better on camera. London does have its charm and pretty places but for the topic of the series, LA just works better,” Henry answers with a shrug and places his menu down, hands flat on the table. “I think you need to help me out with this. I have literally no idea what to get.”

Alex looks up again and this time he doesn’t shy away when their eyes meet. Henry looks particularly punchable in the midday sun with his lightly tanned skin, ocean blue eyes, sandy curls. Alex buries his hands in his pocket, lower lip tugged between his teeth. 

Henry raises an eyebrow at him, a grin curling the corner of his lips. “What is it?” he asks and leans forward, prompting Alex to automatically lean backwards on his chair. “Nothing,” Alex says and clears his throat, gesturing for a waitress to take their order.

Alex gets them an array of things—tacos, tamales, grilled corn, chicken with mole, an array of salsas with nachos, Pico de Gallo, stuffed peppers with ground beef, enchiladas.

When the food arrives, plates and bowls are scattered all over the table, crammed to accommodate the rather small table they’re sitting at. “Are you sure this isn’t a little… excessive?” Henry asks as he picks up a nacho and scoops up some salsa.

Alex does the same, the flavours of salty corn and spicy tomato feeling familiar on his tongue and he throws his head back a little with a satisfied sigh. “You can never have too much food, Henry. It’s not possible. Plus, you get to take home the rest. I’ve done it multiple times and it’s been superb every time,” he then says, followed by another nacho.

Henry just quietly nods as he chews.

They make their way through most of the food after Alex has given Henry a short briefing on what exactly he has ordered and Alex finds himself in yet another predicament. Spending time with Henry, even if they sit mostly in silence, is not as bad as he had hoped it would be. Henry isn’t being particularly infuriating at all, he’s being rather nice and Alex hates how torn he feels. After his little breakdown in the bathroom yesterday, Alex was sure his opinion on Henry was set in stone. He’s a dick, arrogant, selfish.

I hate him, Alex reminds himself. But Henry is sitting across from him, laboriously eating a taco and Alex can’t believe how fucking nice this all is. He tugs his foot around Henry’s ankle under the table and keeps his eyes fixed on his food, avoiding to look at Henry at all costs. He can feel Henry’s eyes on him and the heat radiating off of Alex’s cheeks makes him sink even further into his seat.

Later that evening, Alex lays sprawled out on the sofa when Henry comes in. After their lunch, Henry had returned to the studio and Alex had taken the long way along the beach back home. 

He looks up from his laptop that’s resting on his chest and watches Henry move around the room before he sits down in the armchair across from Alex with a glass of water. They look at each other in silence for a moment before Alex averts his eyes, his cheeks again burning with uncomfortable heat.

“I watched your new video,” Henry says after what feels like forever. “On immigration politics in the US.”

Alex snaps his head to the right and looks at Henry, eyes wide. Henry knows that he has a YouTube channel, which isn’t too big of a surprise,  _ and _ watches his videos? Alex isn’t sure if he wants to cry or laugh so he just continues to stare at Henry.

Henry raises an eyebrow, a gesture Alex has seen him do way too many times but he’s somehow never tired of seeing the way Henry’s brow arches upward, the corner of his lip curled into the beginning of a grin.

“What?” Henry asks with a nervous sounding laugh and takes a sip from his glass. 

“You’re watching my videos?” Alex has to ask because he wants Henry to say it, he needs to. He’s not sure where that need is coming from but it’s overwhelming, rolling over him like an avalanche that makes his stomach painfully tight, skin growing hotter.

Henry dismissively shrugs, brushes a hand through his hair and says, “Sometimes. Not my prefered content but passable background noise.”

A passable background noise? Does Henry watch his videos as nothing but a fucking background noise? Who does Henry think he is? Even if it’s the truth, Henry could have been nicer about it. A fake compliment is still better than what has just come out of Henry’s mouth. His stupid, kissable mouth.

Alex quickly debates whether he should be flattered that Henry clicks on his videos at all or offended that he deems them  _ passable _ but before he can make up his mind, Henry is out of the chair, walking across the living room and vanishing inside his bedroom.

Alex doesn’t know if he wants to strangle Henry or sink so far in the cushions of the sofa until he has reached an alternative universe where he and Henry are nothing more than strangers. 

Even though Henry is insufferable, Alex can’t deny the pull he feels whenever he’s around the other man. He feels like earth, orbiting around the sun, day after day, unable to tear himself away. He wants to scream at Henry and let him know how much he has hurt Alex in the past, that he wants him to fuck off and go back to the UK but he also wants to make Henry laugh, share food with him, walk through the streets under the hot LA summer sun, have late-night conversations with him.

Alex doesn’t know what to do but June might. He grabs his phone from the coffee table and texts his sister. June has always been the one he turned to whenever he needed help with relationships, may they be platonic or romantic. And even though Alex would like to keep this to himself, a little ashamed to admit to his emotions, talking to his sister might be just what he needs to make sense of the mess inside his head.

**Junebug** **  
** _ online _

Please end my suffering   
_ 9:45 pm _

You have literally been with him for like a day   
Is it that bad?   
_ 9:45 pm _

I’m just a mess   
When he’s around, my chest feels so incredibly tight   
And I just don’t know what to do about it   
I want to hate him, June   
I really do   
_ 9:47 pm _

I thought you did?   
Hate him, I mean   
_ 9:48 pm _

I thought I did   
But he’s so different   
Being around him feels incredibly familiar   
As if I have known him for years   
_ 9:49 pm _

You did use to stare at the poster I had of him   
And you watched his videos religiously for like a year   
Remember?   
_ 9:49 pm _

By God, please don’t remind me   
It was a phase   
But I grew out of it, I swear   
Idk what was wrong with me back then   
_ 9:50 pm _

Thinking that someone else is attractive isn’t bad, A   
Even if it’s another guy   
Plus, Henry is really nice   
I’m glad you’re changing your mind about him   
_ 9:52 pm _

I never said that he’s attractive   
_ 9:53 pm _

But I’m not wrong, am I?   
_ 9:53 pm _

Alex?   
_ 9:59 pm _

No, I suppose you’re not   
_ 9:59 pm _

It’s okay if you like him   
_ 10:01 pm _

I’m not gay   
_ 10:01 pm _

That’s not what I meant   
_ 10:02 pm _

You know I’d support you even if you were gay, right?   
I’m here if you need to talk   
And so is Nora   
_ 10:05 pm _

Let’s go out on Saturday   
We’ve all been working so hard this past week   
What do you say?   
_ 10:09 pm _

Idk June   
I’m not in the mood   
_ 10:10 pm _

Come on Alex, you’ll have fun   
I promise   
_ 10:11 pm _

Okay   
_ 10:12 pm _

Awesome!   
Love you and sweet dreams   
_ 10:14 pm _

You too   
_ 10:16 pm _

Alex rubs his hands across his face with an exhausted sigh before he slams his laptop shut, tosses his phone to the side and stares up at the ceiling, wondering what the fuck is going on with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to leave kudos and a comment 💜


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I normally like to spam the server with little excerpts but this time I tried to keep this chapter mostly to myself because I don't want to spoil too much but we're slowly getting somewhere, hehe 😈
> 
> This is also the first chapter I had trouble with putting together in a way I enjoyed. Plus, my mental health was a little whack recently but I like how this one turned out in the end. Thank you to everyone who has been reading so far and to those who motivate me every single fucking day 💜
> 
> CW/TW: internalized homophobia, vomiting (at the very end)

Alex doesn’t sleep well that night and wakes up a lot earlier than he usually would on Thursday morning. It’s barely 5:30 am but he decides to get up anyway. The morning air is cold and Alex stands by the open window for a minute, breathing in deeply, before he leaves his bedroom and heads to the bathroom to take a shower. 

He closes the door behind him and strips out of his boxer briefs, tossing them into the laundry basket under the sink. In his head, he adds doing the laundry to his to-do list for today.

He steps inside the shower and turns on the faucet. The warm water feels good on his skin, droplets of water rolling down his face and lean arms and legs before they vanish in the drain. Alex closes his eyes with a sigh, ruffling his hands through his hair before he lathers shampoo in the palm of his hands and begins to massage his scalp.

He feels tired yet restless but the shower helps to ground him a little. Alex has both his hands placed on the tiled wall to keep himself steady, allowing the water to flow over him freely with his eyes closed. He’s thinking about nothing in particular yet everything at once.

He can hear Henry's voice ringing in his ears and for a moment, Alex fears that Henry is actually in the shower with him but when he turns to look over his shoulder, he’s alone. 

You’re just tired, Alex tells himself. He doesn’t actually wish for Henry to suddenly walk in through the door and join him in the shower. He doesn’t think about Henry’s hands on his bare skin, Alex’s hand on Henry’s broad shoulders, a stubbled jawline, ocean blue eyes framed by long blonde lashes.

Alex quickly finishes his shower before his thoughts get too out of hand, drying himself off and stepping out of the shower. He then puts on his bathrobe and goes through the rest of his morning routine—brushing his teeth, skincare, drying and styling his hair, getting dressed. 

When he walks into the kitchen to fix himself a coffee, the clock above the fridge reads 6:15 am. Still no sign of Henry though this is, according to Nora, Henry’s normal wake up time. Not that Alex actually cares.

Alex yawns and grabs oat milk from the fridge and a cup from the cupboard. While he waits for his coffee to be done, Alex flips through his calendar and scans his to-do list for the day. 

_Thursday_

○ call with Zahra at 10 am  
○ revisit script for tomorrow   
○ mails   
○ set up filming room   
○ dishes   
○ Among Us stream at 6 pm (Henry?)   
○ laundry

Alex rounds the kitchen island and retrieves his laptop from the coffee table where he had left it the previous night and gets back to the kitchen island. With his coffee, Alex begins to work his way through the first load of mails.

At 7 am, the door to Henry’s bedroom opens. Alex looks up and from where he’s hunched over his laptop. Henry looks like an absolute mess, his hair sticks in all different directions and his eyes are still heavy with sleep, their colour closer to a winter morning sky than the sparkling ocean. He wears a pair of cotton PJ bottoms, no shirt. 

Alex swallows hard as his eyes trail down Henry’s chest to his muscular torso and back up over his broad shoulders and down his defined arms.

“What are you looking at?” Henry says, his voice rough from sleep. The sound strikes Alex like lightning, his insides suddenly growing hot, and he involuntarily flinches, almost toppling down from the barstool he’s sitting on. “Nothing,” he answers, awkwardly, and clears his throat.

There’s a smile curling at the corner of Henry’s lips. A smile Alex has quickly come to like. It might even be his favourite smile in the entire world and he has to try very hard to not smile back because Henry isn’t smiling at him, he’s trying not to laugh at how off guard he has caught Alex.

Alex quickly tears his eyes away from Henry and focuses back on his laptop. “If you have any laundry,” he says to Henry without turning to look at him, “just throw them in the laundry basket.” 

Henry hums and pats over to the bathroom, closing the door behind him with a soft click. The shower turns on shortly after and Alex lifts his eyes off of the screen and stares the door, wondering what Henry looks like _underneath_ his PJ bottoms, how he looks with the water dripping down his long lashes and long, elegant fingers. How he looks when he foams up his shampoo between his palms, the way his fingers comb through his hair. Alex can feel his stomach grow hot, blood rushing from his head down towards his groin. 

He swallows hard and wills the image of Henry away, replacing it with Zahra yelling at him for not getting his work done. It seems to be work just fine and Alex quickly resumes his work but Henry is still lingering in the back of his head with his stupid smile and stupid eyes.

He’s looking through his script for the video he plans to film tomorrow when Henry comes out of the bathroom. He’s fully dressed—dark jeans that he has cuffed at the ankles, a washed-out Bowie shirt that’s at least two numbers too big on him and then Alex spots something that makes his heart jump and stomach twist in a way that almost makes him groan out loud.

Henry has a tattoo.

Alex can’t really tell what it is exactly from the distance but he doesn’t need to know. The fact that Henry has a tattoo alone is enough for Alex to imagine how the ink would curl around his muscles, how far it reaches up and around, how it moves and stretches with Henry’s every movement. He wants to kiss the inked skin, wants to bite and nibble at the tattoo, wants to press his tongue flat against Henry’s skin, tasting him. 

Alex swallows hard and blankly stares at his keyboard, unable to remember what he intended to do just a second ago.

“Busy with work?” Henry’s voice comes from somewhere just behind Alex causing him to jump. He can feel Henry’s hot breath on his skin, the warmth radiating off of his body, his scent heavy in the small space between them. Sea salt, peach, pine. 

Alex sucks in a surprised breath, exhaling slowly.

“Yeah,” he stutters and clears his throat before he straightens his shoulders and sits upright again. 

Henry chuckles and walks around the island to make himself a coffee before he occupies the barstool next to Alex’s. “I want to make a little US vlog, would you like to help me?” Henry asks before he takes a sip from his cup, licking the leftover coffee off of his lips afterwards and glancing over to Alex.

Alex isn’t quite sure what he’s supposed to say so he simply asks, “Why me?” He tears his eyes away from the screen and decides to temporarily abandon his responsibilities to look at Henry. The words on the page stopped making sense a long while ago anyway.

Henry is quiet for a moment, taking another slow sip from his coffee before he starts speaking again. “I usually would ask my sister or Pez to help me but they’re not here right now and you seem to have more than enough experience,” he says with a shrug, curling his goddamn beautiful hands around his coffee cup.

“But you don’t even really watch my videos. How would you know that I’m not actually terrible at what I do?” Alex shoots back, still a bit bitter about Henry calling his videos _passable background noise_.

“Well, you have, what, 3 million subscribers?”

“5 million, actually,” Alex interrupts. “At least get your facts right if you’re asking for my help.”

Henry waves his hand in a dismissive manner. Alex desperately wants to push Henry off of his chair. “Same thing. But they wouldn’t be there if you’re not at least somewhat knowing of what you’re doing every day. Unless your age group only includes 12-year-old boys which I doubt heavily.”

Alex snorts. “I don’t think videos that count as passable background noise attract 12-year-old boys but it’s not like you would know what my content is about anyway” is the last thing he says to Henry before he forcefully closes his laptop. “I appreciate the offer but no, Henry. I will not help you.”

He turns to Henry one last time and says, “We’re gonna stream Among Us tonight. You can join us if it’s not too much trouble for you, Your Highness.” It comes out with a lot more anger and spite than Alex intends but he doesn’t regret it either. Is it petty? Probably, but Henry can’t just get away with pretending that he’s not interested in Alex’s content and then ask him for help. Of course, he would like to help him, would even love to but Alex isn’t sure that he _can_.

He storms into his office and slams the door shut behind him, cringing at how loudly the door slams behind him. He half expects Henry to follow him but the door doesn’t open again.

Alex dives headfirst into work again, completely banishing Henry out of his thoughts. He’s not sure how to feel, he has stopped being sure about things ever since Henry arrived. Two days, Alex thinks. It took Henry only two days to leave Alex an absolute mess. He’s not sure what to make of it.

As expected, Henry doesn’t show up for the stream. In fact, Alex hasn’t seen or heard anything from Henry since their conversation earlier that morning and neither have June and Nora after they wrapped filming for the day around noon.

Alex tries his best to enjoy the stream, tries to keep up the conversation and interact with his viewers but he feels uneasy the entire time. He has even left the door to his office open in case Henry comes back and keeps dying constantly while he’s glancing over to the door every other minute, maybe even second.

 **cornbread:** _isn’t Henry with you?_ _  
_ **thisisamacdonalds:** _are you ok?_  
 **Snoodel:** _pls remember to take a break if you need to_  
 **teawiththepope:** _WHERE IS HENRY????_  
 **tiktak_gang:** _u ok?_  
 **simmergal:** _you’re so quiet_  
 **grimreaper57:** _something’s not right here_  
 **british_99:** _please take a break alex, you look awful_  
 **sir__:** _how’s living with henry?_ _  
_ **princesspeaxh:** _i will fight whoever hurt you_ _  
_ **cucumpear:** _r u waiting for someone?_ _  
_ **tucan2:** _have you napped today?_ _  
_ **rosebud_:** _remember to have some water, alex!_

Alex sits in the living room after the stream, fumbling with his phone. He has asked June for Henry’s number and he has been staring at his screen for at least 5 minutes before he can bring himself to type. Alex knows that his reaction earlier was over the top but Henry always makes him feel irritated and confused. There’s this itch under his skin that never stops and Alex wants it to end, he just wants it all to be over. And he wants to know that Henry is safe, he wants to make sure that he’s not lost, stranded somewhere unable to find his way back to Alex.

He takes a deep breath and finally starts typing. He deletes the words multiple times, thumbs nervously hovering above the screen before he finally presses send.

 **H** **  
**_last seen 8:13 am_

Henry?  
This is Alex   
_11:01 pm_

I’m sorry for yelling at you earlier  
I really didn’t mean to   
I’m sorry   
_11:05 pm_

I hope you’re okay  
 _11:06 pm_

Henry doesn’t reply.

Alex is just about to get up and go to bed when he sees one of Henry’s hoodies draped over the back of the couch. He must have left it here, Alex thinks and before he can register what he’s doing, he reaches over and grabs the hoodie, the cotton fabric soft in his hand. Alex traces the rainbow embroidery on the front before he lifts the hoodie up and buries his face in it, inhaling deeply. It smells like Henry, like peach and sea salt and pine, like coffee, like chocolate and orange jam.

Tears sting in his eyes and Alex no longer tries to hold them back. They roll down his face, hot and wet, bleeding into the hoodie he is holding on so tightly. 

Alex doesn’t know how long he has been sitting there in the dim light, face buried in Henry’s hoodie when the front door suddenly unlocks.

Henry.

Alex lifts his head and his heart drops when he sees Henry. He looks miserable, tired and exhausted, the skin on his nose and cheeks bright red as if he has been out in the sun without sun lotion the entire day. His hair is a mess, even messier than it was in the morning. 

“Alex,” Henry says, his voice fittingly tired, horse. The sound is like sandpaper and sends shivers down Alex’s back. He feels bad, awful even. 

And then a realization hits Alex and the world around him stops spinning for a second before he’s tossed back into reality at full force. The anger he has felt towards and around Henry all these years is crumbling down. The selfish and idiotic image he had of Henry is suddenly nothing more than a forgotten shadow, a hallowed image. He doesn’t hate Henry, yes he’s upset about what happened three years ago, but he doesn’t dislike Henry in the way he hates olives on pizza or mint ice cream. He hates how Henry makes him feel, that burning feeling under his sternum, the tight knot in his gut he gets every time he’s around him. He hates how sick he feels, how hard and fast his heart beats against his ribcage. It’s almost painful.

Alex remembers this feeling from years ago when he first started following Henry. He remembers how he would religiously wait for Henry’ new video and would watch it multiple times, even would show it to his mother or Abuela. Back then it felt a lot more innocent, naive. But now, it feels so real, so so real. He can feel it under his skin and Alex wants to itch and scratch until it is gone, until he feels numb. Alex wants to strip out of his clothes and skin until he is bare, wants to get rid of everything that reminds him of Henry. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts,

“I’m so sorry,” Alex chokes out before he is on his feet and sprints to the bathroom, leaving Henry behind in the living room. He locks the door behind him, his heart pounding heavily against his ribs. Alex feels nauseous, his knees dangerously wobbly. He barely makes it over to the toilet before he starts vomiting, followed shortly by crying. 

“Please,” he whimpers. ”I don’t want to be gay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to leave kudos and a comment 💜


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your reactions to the last chapter make me so incredibly happy. I'm glad so many of you enjoy this fic as much as I enjoy writing it 🥺
> 
> CW/TW: alcohol, vomiting (towards the middle)

Alex doesn’t know when or how he makes it into bed that night but he wakes up on Friday around noon, curled into a ball at the foot of his bed. There’s a bitter taste on his tongue, drool sticking to the side of his face. 

Alex slowly sits up and rubs a hand over his face with a yawn. He feels awful, hungover even. His head resembles a boom box, pain pulsing and buzzing behind his eyes and temples. 

He notices a glass of water and a pack of painkillers on his nightstand though he can’t remember to have put them there himself. He takes the water and swallows down a painkiller before he empties the glass completely. It immediately makes him feel better but the tightness in his stomach remains.

He grabs his phone from where it lays beside his pillow and shoots June a quick text.

 **Junebug** **  
** _online_

Let’s go out tonight  
Please  
_12:32 pm_

I thought you wanted to go Saturday?  
_12:33 pm_

I just need to get out of here  
You’re in?  
_12:34 pm_

Is everything okay with you and Henry?  
_12:35 pm_

I don’t want to talk about it  
_12:35 pm_

Hm, okay  
I’ll let Nora know  
Pick you up at 9?  
_12:36 pm_

Sounds good  
See you later  
_12:37 pm_

Later  
_12:37 pm_

And Alex?  
_12:39 pm_

Yeah?  
_12:39 pm_

Don’t be too hard on yourself  
_12:41 pm_

Easier said than done, Alex thinks with a sigh and tosses his phone to the side, ruffling a hand through his curly hair. He’s not actually in the mood to go out today but he needs a distraction, he needs a way to forget yesterday evening. He can barely remember what exactly happened, the memories cloudy in his head. But he knows that he needs to get out and get his mind off of things, off of Henry.

He continues to sit in the dim light of his room for another minute before he slowly crawls out of bed and puts on sweatpants and a hoodie, pulling the hood up and deep into his face before he leaves his room. Henry isn’t there which Alex welcomes very much. Whereas he tried to avoid Henry before just for the sake of avoiding Henry, he now wants to avoid Henry at all costs, afraid to face the consequences of his outbreak.

Lucky for Alex, Henry is nowhere to be found and Alex can feel himself relax a little even though he still feels nauseous.

Alex would usually never shy away from confrontation. He loves debating and discussing, standing his ground, but this is different. This isn’t about anything Alex can have a valid opinion about, it’s something that is out of his control, something so far beyond his expertise. He’s not sure how to go about it at all.

You’re not gay, he reminds himself and shakes his head, there is nothing to talk about. It’s simply not possible. Alex likes girls. He has always liked girls and it won’t change just because Henry makes him feel all those things. Alex doesn’t have an explanation for it all but he doesn’t need one. There is nothing to explain. Even if it was real, even if he liked Henry just a little bit, he wouldn’t have to act on it, right? No rule forces him to talk about that hot feeling in his gut, the pulsing sensation on his skin whenever he and Henry accidentally brush against each other.

He makes his way into his office at 1:30 pm and by that time, he has had a nice cup of coffee, another glass of water and a very sad looking toast with jam. He is also very behind on his schedule. He was supposed to start filming by 9 am and Alex isn’t even sure if he wants to step in front of the camera today. The first draft of the video title reads _DIY Cheese But I’m Lactose Intolerant._ It sounds like a fun video but Alex is feeling miserable as is and doesn’t want to make himself feel even more miserable.

Zahra will kill him if she finds out but Alex decides that whatever he tries to film today will turn out awful by default. He abandons his entire schedule and leaves the office again to go and grab some more water and a hot water bottle before he lays down on the sofa and turns the TV on to watch a few episodes of The Great British Bake Off. 

At one point, Alex starts to dose off and wakes up again around early evening, the TV still running. He feels a lot better than he did this morning and goes to take a shower before getting dressed. The water feels nice and warm on his skin and Alex quickly goes through washing his body and hair, shaving and getting ready quickly. He wears dark jeans, a blue satin shirt, buttons undone at the top and partially tugged into the front of his jeans, with a white pair of converse. He puts on perfume and aftershave until the smell almost makes him sick.

Alex is just about to leave when the front door unlocks and Henry steps in. He looks rough, tired. He smells sweet as usual, mixed with sweat and sun lotion. Alex swallows hard and opens his mouth to inform Henry of his plans for the night but Henry brushes past him without paying him any attention. The fuming, sickening feeling settles back into his stomach and Alex turns on his heels and storms out, the door falling shut behind him loudly. 

The early night air is still warm and the streets are filled with people, laughing and dancing. It’s something Alex just loves about LA. The city is alive at almost any hour of the day. When Nora and June pull up in an Uber, Alex tries his best to put on a big smile for them. He loves his sister and Nora very much but he neither wants nor needs them to worry about him. He’s fine, just a little on edge but it’s nothing some alcohol, dancing and maybe a pretty girl won’t fix.

The club is already buzzing with activity as they get there and they make their way over to the bar and Alex orders two rounds of shots and beers for them. The alcohol is heavy on his tongue, a familiar feeling and Alex quickly finds himself buzzing with the same energy of the people around him.

He follows June and Nora onto the dance floor where he quickly finds a girl to dance with. Alex can barely see her face in the darkness of the club but he doesn’t care, he’s already drunk and finds that it helps a lot with forgetting about Henry. The girl presses her ass against his groin, wiggling to the music and Alex simply goes along with it, he might even enjoy it a little. He curls his fingers into her long, soft hair and moves it out of the way to expose her neck. His lips hover about her pulse point, his breath dancing across her skin but he doesn’t move to kiss her. 

The girl swirls around in his arms and fits herself against him perfectly, wrapping her long arms around his neck with her fingers laced into his hair. Alex’s has his right leg between hers, their hips grinding to the loud bass of the music. They don’t talk, the music is way too loud for that anyway but Alex doesn’t mind. He wouldn’t know what to talk about anyway. His hands move up and down her sides and back before he digs his fingers into the soft curve of her hip, gently guiding her movements.

She looks up to him, a glint in her eyes and then her lips are on Alex’s and the world suddenly seems to be okay again. He’s out with his friends, having fun, getting drunk and dancing. Her lips are soft against his own and it feels right, so right. He knows how to kiss girls, it’s something he’s good at. His hands move down from her hips towards her ass. The girl takes that as her cue to deepen the kiss and sneak her tongue into his mouth, hot and wet. She tastes like salt and peach, her perfume smells rich like the forest, earth and pine.

And Alex suddenly loses the ground under his feet again and he’s falling, falling, falling. Sea salt, peach and pine. 

_Henry._

_Henry._

_Henry._

Alex feels as if someone punched him in the guts and he chokes on his breath, breaking the kiss. Just when he thought he had found a valid distraction, just when he actually felt okay for a second, Henry is back and with him the burning under his sternum, the pull in his heart, the itch underneath his skin.

No, no, no. Not again, not now. 

_You’re not gay._

_You’re not gay._

_You’re not gay._

He turns on his heels and sprints out of the club without another word and it doesn’t take long until he’s squatting on the cold pavement, vomiting his brains out. Again. Once his stomach is completely empty and he feels less nauseous, Alex collapses against the nearest wall with a heavy sigh, rubbing a shaking hand across his sweaty face. He feels terrible for several reasons but he can name three off of the top of his head.

1) He just made out with a random girl who’s name he doesn’t even know and then just left her behind without any explanation. She probably thinks he’s a big douche but in his current situation, that’s the last thing Alex cares about.

2) He likes Henry. No matter how many times he tries to convince himself otherwise, it’s not changing anything about how he feels. It’s a fact that Alex can’t shake, it’s undeniable. Even for Alex. Telling himself he hates Henry over and over again until the words no longer make sense, won’t make the heat in his chest disappear either. That realisation alone makes his heart drop down to the fucking floor.

3) He royally fucked up.

The way back to his apartment is a fever dream Alex barely remembers. Unlocking the door feels unreal and even when he stands in the familiar, narrow hallway and the door falls behind him softly, Alex still hasn’t recovered from his out of body experience mere minutes ago.

He makes his way over into the living room where he spots Henry on the couch. He has the floor lamp turned on, a cup of steaming tea in his hand and a book in his lap. Henry looks up briefly before he returns his attention back to his book and Alex isn’t sure if he wants to yell or cry so he just stands there, motionless.

His head is so full of words, they crash and clash and claw at each other, clinging onto the insides of his head and Alex is unable to shake any of them. Words like _boys_ and _gay_ and _girls_ and _Henry_ light up in his head like billboards, making Alex feel even dizzier.

He can see Henry’s lips moving but can’t hear anything he says. His head feels too full. It’s too much, all too much. 

Henry is suddenly on his feet and stalking over to Alex. “I asked if you’re okay,” Henry says, eyebrow raised. His voice is soft but Alex doesn’t miss the annoyance in his voice, a sound that makes his heart clench painfully and eyes sting. Alex doesn’t answer, he’s too busy trying to hold back the tears pooling in the corner of his eyes.

“If you don’t want to talk to me that’s fine but please make up your bloody mind about it,” Henry scoffs and crosses his arms across his chest with a dismissive look in his eyes. “One moment you’re avoiding me like the plague and the next you take me out for lunch. I’m not asking for much but just make up your mind for once. I’m sick of this back and forth of yours. I’m not here for your entertainment, you know.”

That’s more than enough to push Alex over the edge. He has had enough of this ridiculous back and forth between him and Henry, between his heart and his head. He can’t take this anymore. He has his hands balled into fists, fingernails digging deep into the flesh of his palms. Alex is sure that it will leave a mark.

“I like you, okay? But you’re not making this fucking easy for me. I’m not gay like you, I like girls but you… you waltz in with your stupid looks and stupid British accent and make me feel all these things. I’m so lost when I’m around you,” Alex cries out and he hates how desperate he sounds but the words are out before he has a chance to stop himself. His hands are shaking, vibrating, alcohol and adrenaline thick inside his head. “You are this like perfect dude and I’m just… I’m just me and I don’t know what to do with myself. I have never felt this way and I… I don’t know if I even want to feel like this.”

Alex is convinced that he must look ridiculous right about now. He’s crying, his hair and face are a mess and his shirt has most definitely vomit stains on it.

Henry crowds closer and Alex fears he might completely lose it. Henry is close, so so close. He can feel his breath, smell his aftershave. The heavy scent of pine makes his knees weak, stomach flipping with an intensity that Alex is afraid he might throw up again.

“What the fuck are you even talking about?” Henry asks and he sounds hurt, angry. “This isn’t a bloody game, Alex. If you want to make fun of me for being gay, sure but don’t say shit like that.”

Alex swallows hard, fighting the urge to duck away and lock himself inside his bedroom until all of this over. But he doesn’t move. Instead, he lifts his head and pushes his chin forward, challenging. “Don’t tell me anything about playing games, Henry.”

Henry looks confused but before he can even open his mouth, Alex continues: “Don’t you remember? Don’t you remember at all how you fucking stood me up at VidCon three years ago? I was looking up to you and I was so stupidly excited to be on a panel with you but you never fucking showed up and didn’t even bother to answer any of my messages? Do you even know how hurt I was?” He’s yelling now, a lot louder than he wants to be but he can’t help it. 

The itching under his skin is becoming unbearable.

Henry doesn’t say anything for a long moment but he doesn’t stop staring Alex right in the eyes, a deep crease between his eyebrows. His pupils are blown wide in the dim light of the living room, his iris nothing but a small blue ring. Alex flinches under his gaze but doesn’t turn away.

“Alex… my dad died that weekend,” Henry whispers, voice cracking.

Now it’s Alex's turn to fall silent. He wants to ask Henry if he’s joking but judging by the look of Henry’s face, sadness mixed with remnants of anger, he’s not. Alex swallows hard again and sucks in a shaky breath. “No,” he whispers. “Fuck no. That’s not fucking true.” The words are heavy and bitter on his tongue.

Three fucking years. 

Three fucking years of absolutely despising Henry, abandoning and suppressing emotions he once had that now tear him apart from the inside. And for what? Just for him to find out that it’s not actually Henry’s fault? That he didn’t stand him up at all?

The card house Alex has been building over the years, the walls he has pulled up around him—nothing but lies. It’s all collapsing now, threatening to bury him underneath. He tries to hold it all up desperately but there’s nothing he can do about it now. It’s over, it’s finally over.

Alex is crying now, sobbing even. It’s a sob that makes his entire body shake violently. The sounds that escape his throat are ugly, choked out, words but not really.

He fully expects Henry to yell at him again, to leave him here standing but he pulls Alex close instead and Alex automatically buries his face in the soft fabric of Henry’s hoodie, staining it with his tears.

“It’s okay,” Henry hums quietly and gently rubs his hands up and down Alex’s back. “It’s okay, you didn’t know.”

Alex lifts his head slightly. “No, Henry. Nothing is fucking okay! I can’t… I… I’m so sorry.” 

And then there’s this smile again. This shy smile that curls the corner of his mouth in a way that makes Alex think it must be the most beautiful smile in the entire world. It’s comforting in a way to see Henry smile like that and Alex can’t help but smile back. It’s a weak smile, one that’s barely noticeable but it’s the most he can muster right now.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about, Alex. Let’s get you to bed, we can talk about it all tomorrow okay?” Henry says gently and brushes a few stray curls out of Alex’s forehead.

Alex barely nods his head. He feels exhausted, miserable even, and if it weren’t for Henry holding him up, he would have fallen asleep in the middle of the floor. 

Alex sets out to take a step forward in the vague direction of where he remembers his bathroom being but stumbles over his undone shoelaces. Henry catches him just in time and Alex suddenly loses the ground underneath his feet, for real this time. Henry effortlessly lifts him up and carries him over to the bathroom where he gently sets him back down on the toilet before he fetches Alex his toothbrush and a wet towel.

It’s a slow process and Henry has to stop and reassure Alex several times to stop him from crying again. Alex wants to be embarrassed about it, he really does but he’s completely exhausted and maybe a little too delusional to actually care. And Henry is so gentle, so kind with him that Alex still doesn’t mind it when Henry helps him back up, guides him over to his bedroom and helps him undress until he’s only in his boxer briefs.

“I’m cold,” Alex mumbles. 

Without hesitation, Henry takes off his hoodie and hands it to Alex. He wears a plain shirt underneath but it still does things to Alex that make his heart jump. Alex carefully takes the hoodie from Henry and thumbs over the embroidery—a small rainbow. He smiles a tired smile. “I thought you might like that one,” Henry teases softly and helps Alex to put the hoodie on before he tugs him into bed. “I’ll get you some water and then I’ll be right back, okay?”

But Alex is already asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a bit of a break after this chapter as I finish up other projects and take care of my mental health (which is definitely necessary). But I'll get back to working on this fic as soon as possible because it's currently my favourite thing to work on 🥺
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to leave kudos and a comment 💜


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a new chapter 💜
> 
> And if I'm not mistaken, this is the longest chapter so far 🤫 I like to call it: food as a love language and Alex says a lot of things out loud 👀

The next morning, Alex wakes up to a load of unanswered calls and messages from his sister and Nora.

**Junebug** **  
** _ online _

Alex?   
_ 1:34 am _

Where are you?   
_ 1:37 am _

Did you go home?   
_ 1:38 am _

_ missed call from Junebug _

???   
_ 1:40 am _

Answer your phone you idiot   
This isn’t funny   
_ 1:50 am _

_ missed call from Junebug _

_ missed call from Junebug _

Henry just called me   
Thank god you’re ok   
_ 2:29 am _

Never do this to me again   
Istg   
_ 2:34 am _

I wasn’t feeling well   
I’m sorry   
_ 10:23 am _

You better be   
Alex, you scared the living scrap out of me   
_ 10:24 am _

I… can we talk later?   
It’s kind of important   
_ 10:25 am _

Of course, Alex   
At 3:30 by the beach?   
_ 10:26 am _

Sounds good   
See you then   
_ 10:28 am _

**Nora** **  
** _ last seen 7:23 am _

Aw   
Found yourself a girlfriend? ;)   
_ 11:55 pm _

Are you still here?   
_ 1:12 am _

Hello?   
_ 1:30 am _

_ missed call from Nora _

_ missed call from Nora _

June and I want to go home   
Where are you?   
_ 1:46 am _

Fuck you   
_ 2:30 am _

If you ever pull a stunt like this again   
I will murder you   
For real this time   
_ 2:39 am _

I was feeling like shit   
Sorry   
_ 10:25 am _

Alex continues to just lay in bed for a while, staring up at the ceiling while last night’s memories slowly settle in. He doesn’t remember much besides going to the club with Nora and June. He apparently had a girl with him at one point? But Alex doesn’t recall that at all. He remembers vaguely making it home and Henry was there too though Alex can’t remember what happened after that.

Alex slowly rolls out of bed, pulls on sweatpants and quietly slips out of his room. The living room is empty but there’s noise coming from the kitchen. Alex frowns. Is Henry still here? He would usually be long out of the house at this time.

He pats through the living room into the kitchen, stopping in the doorway. Henry is busy with pots and pans, stopping every now and then to take a sip from his cup. Alex watches him quietly for a while before he decides to say something. “Morning,” he says, quietly and a little embarrassed. 

Henry looks up from his cup with a smile. “Alex,” he says and quickly walks over to hug him. Alex wonders what the hell happened to Henry overnight but he feels himself leaning into the touch, breathing in Henry’s familiar scent. 

“Did you sleep well?” Henry asks and returns to his previous place behind the stove, keeping his eyes fixed on Alex.

Alex watches him flip a pancake and swallows hard. “Yeah,” he croaks out and tears his eyes away from Henry’s elegant hands. “I’m a bit hungover, to be honest. Well, I don’t know if I’m hungover but I sure feel like it.”

Henry’s face goes blank for a second before the smile is back though it looks a lot more strained than it did just seconds ago. Alex wants to ask what’s wrong but Henry interrupts him, “Why don’t you go and take a shower, hm? Breakfast should be ready by then.”

Alex slowly nods his head and makes his way over to the bathroom. He closes the door behind him with a heavy sigh and when he catches a glimpse of his reflection, last night’s memories come rushing over him, final puzzle pieces fit themselves where they previously had been missing from his memory. 

Alex fears he might throw up again but can luckily keep it down this time. He stares at himself in the mirror. His hair is an absolute mess, his under eyes are dark and hollow. He’s wearing Henry’s hoodie. The same soft, cream-coloured hoodie that he had his breakdown over two nights ago. It has a small rainbow embroidered above his heart and Alex lifts his hand to gently trace over the stitching.

He remembers going to the club, remembers drinking. He can still taste remnants of alcohol on his tongue. Alex recalls dancing with a girl, remembers the feeling of his hands on her hips, her lips on his, the taste of her tongue. He shudders. “Oh god,” he mumbles, remembering how he stormed out and threw up on the sidewalk. How he made it home is still a mystery to him but then there’s this memory of him and Henry in the living room. He was definitely yelling, maybe even crying. He remembers talking about VidCon, Henry telling him about the death of his father. Alex’s fingers hold tightly onto the sink to keep himself from shaking, possibly even collapsing.

Alex somehow manages to undress and shower himself without passing out. He considers tossing Henry’s hoodie into the laundry but decides to put it back on, the fabric soft and comforting on his skin, still heavy with Henry’s scent. Sea salt, peach and pine now mix with Alex’s own scent—bergamot, lemongrass, sage.

Back in the kitchen, Henry has arranged a plate filled with cut fruit, tiny pancakes, bacon and eggs for Alex. There is also a tall glass of water, orange juice and a steaming cup of coffee waiting for him.

“Thank you,” Alex mumbles as he sits down in his usual spot at the kitchen island.

Henry smiles lightly and takes a long sip from his coffee before he turns around to refill it. “It’s the least I can do for all this trouble I’ve caused,” he says with a shrug and pours oat milk into his cup.

Alex nods as if he knows what Henry is talking about—he’s too tired to care—and slowly starts eating. The food is surprisingly good and Alex is more than happy to finally get some proper nutrition into him. “I didn’t know you could cook”, Alex says between bites of egg and fruit, shortly looking up at Henry.

Henry huffs. “It’s not my field of expertise but I’m glad I didn’t set your kitchen on fire.”

Alex nods and takes a sip from his coffee, already feeling a little better and more awake.

Henry watches him quietly and Alex notices him staring, lifts his head and raises an eyebrow. “Is something wrong?” he asks and picks up a piece of egg with his fork, chewing lazily.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Henry says over his coffee cup but Alex doesn’t miss the mix of emotions that flicker across his face.

Alex puts his fork down, sits up a little straighter and faces Henry. “I don’t believe you, Henry. I don’t want us to be running back and forth like this anymore. We’re better than this. Come on, what’s wrong?

Henry puts his cup down with a sigh and crosses his arms across his chest. His eyes wander around the room before they find Alex’s. “What do you remember from last night?” he asks, lips pressed into a small, emotionless line.

“Not much just… bits and pieces.” Alex doesn’t have a good feeling about this. He swallows, averts his eyes and plays with a piece of fruit on his plate. “Why?”

Henry clears his throat. “You said some things that were… uh, strange? Well, not strange in the literal sense of the word but I didn’t expect them to come from someone like you, I guess.”

“Henry, I think my head is about to explode. Please don’t speak to me in riddles,” Alex says, nervously fidgeting in his seat. He can recall a few words he and Henry exchanged yesterday but none of it seemed to be out of the ordinary.

“You said that you like me. You were very… insistent about it, too. I thought you were joking but then you went on this whole rant about VidCon and… that’s basically it.”

“Oh,” is the only thing Alex manages to say because he suddenly does remember. He can feel the heat rise to his cheeks and the tips of his ears. “Sorry ‘bout that.” 

Henry shrugs and steals a piece of apple from Alex’s plate, chewing slowly. “It’s fine, really. You were drunk and are seemingly going through a lot so please don’t be sorry. Trust me, it happens to the best of us. We both were being weird about this whole thing in the first place.” 

Alex feels the need to express that it was indeed the truth, that he likes Henry very much but he remains quiet, sipping on his coffee and eyeing Henry.

Henry clears his throat again and awkwardly rubs the back of his neck. “Let’s start over, let’s pretend none of this ever happened. A fresh start, what do you say?” he asks, offering Alex his hand.

Alex can’t help but snort, a bright smile on his face. “Okay, sure.” He extends his hand over the kitchen island. “Hey, I’m Alex.”

Henry laughs too, the sound heavenly in Alex’s ear. “I’m Henry, nice to meet you.” They shake hands and Alex wishes it would never end but then Henry pulls his hand away and Alex immediately craves the warm touch of Henry’s hand.

“How did your filming go yesterday, by the way?” Henry asks and pours Alex some more coffee and hands him the oat milk.

Alex chokes on a piece of bacon. “Awful,” he says in between coughs. “The idea was to make my own cheese but I didn’t feel very good so I literally sat on the couch for hours and watched The Great British Bake Off. And I fell asleep at one point, I think. I have avoided looking at the messages Zahra has sent me. She can be fucking scary, especially when I’m behind my schedule.”

“Aren’t you also lactose intolerant?” Henry asks with a raised eyebrow. “Isn’t eating cheese kind of, well, stupid?”

Alex slowly nods his head. “You can take pills but it’s still awful for me. But yeah, I am. How’d you know?” He doesn’t remember telling Henry about it.

“I told you, I watch your videos and you mentioned it at least once or twice. And then there was this ice cream taste testing video with a similar premise,” Henrys says nonchalantly and places his empty coffee cup in the sink.

Alex can feel his jaw drop. “But I thought-”

“This isn’t about me calling your videos passable background noise, is it? Christ, Alex. I panicked when you asked me, okay? I find your videos very… calming at times.” Henry quickly turns his head but Alex doesn’t miss the blush on his cheeks.

“Oh,” Alex says and clears his throat. “Thanks.” He can’t help the smile that is tugging at the corner of his lips and he quickly dugs his head down to hide it behind his cup. Henry actually watches his videos, he actually pays attention to them. 

“Anyway,” Henry says. “Let’s film a video together.”

“Wait, what? Why?”

“Because I say so. You’re free tomorrow, right? Great, me too.”

“That’s… that’s not how this works, Henry. Not that I have much of a choice with you, huh? I mean, I’m open for most things but please don’t make me eat cheese.”

Henry laughs loudly, head thrown back. “No lactose, got it. We could do a Q&A if you want. Ask your followers on Instagram for questions and we’ll pick the best ones. I don’t know how often you watch those kinds of videos but I find them quite fun and relaxing from time to time. Plus, we can get to know each other a little better too.” 

Getting to know each other better? I’d like that, Alex thinks, I’d like that very much.

Henry has the fucking audacity to wink and Alex just wants to die.

“Oh, gotcha. I’m pretty sure it’s been a while since my last Q&A so why not,” he says, voice cracking. He can’t believe that this is actually happening. Alex’s inner 19-year-old is currently crying from happiness and 22-year-old Alex might actually cry, too. 

Alex pulls out his phone and opens Instagram, hesitating to open the story feature unsure of what he should do now. He has always been a bit awkward about using the story feature for videos, especially Q&As. It somehow intimidates him a little that people can ask  _ anything _ . He’s just about to voice his concerns to Henry when Henry says, “For heaven’s sake, Alex.”

Henry rounds the kitchen island with a sigh and takes the phone from Alex then slots himself into place against Alex’s side, smiles brightly into the camera and takes a picture of the two of them. 

Of course, Henry looks incredibly handsome whereas Alex still looks like he’s been hit by a bus. But before Alex can even protest, Henry has typed out a small text, has added a question sticker to the picture and has posted it to Alex’s story.

The text reads  _ Hanging out with @henryfox! Send your Qs for us to answer in next week’s video _ .

“See? It’s not that hard,” Henry says and hands Alex his phone back with a grin.

“I look like shit, Henry! Why would you post that?” Alex cries out and gently shoves Henry.

Henry chuckles and Alex can feel Henry’s hot breath on his skin causing him to shudder “You look absolutely stunning, darling.” His accent is thick and Alex can’t help the shiver that’s crawling up and down his spine. 

Alex wants to strangle him but he starts to furiously blush instead. “Shut up,” he mumbles and hides his beet-red face behind his hands.

Henry steps back with a satisfied grin and turns to leave the kitchen. “I’ll be out to get some shots done with Nora. See you at dinner?”

“Uh, sure,” Alex croaks. “Does Mexican sound good to you?” he asks but Henry is already out of the room.

Alex finishes his breakfast, quickly goes through his chores and then sits down on the sofa with his laptop, catching up on YouTube videos and answering mails. One of the videos is by June and Nora,  _ Gay Wine Aunts _ , and is titled  _ Explaining Bisexuality - signs, myths, and what does it mean? _ and Alex hates how good the algorithm seems to be because everything in this video is exactly what Alex needed to hear all this fucking time.

Once the video is over, Alex just sits there for a moment, processing what he just watched. Could it be? Could he be bisexual?

Alex thinks back to the girls he has dated, that one kiss he had with Liam during prom when they were drunk, which he actually enjoyed a lot, the warm feeling in his gut whenever he’s around Henry. He remembers the pictures that sneak into his mind when he’s jerking off in the shower—sharp and stubbled jawlines, brought shoulders, strong hands with long and elegant fingers, a toned torso, ocean blue eyes.

It just all falls into place so easily, Alex wants to cry. The relief he feels from knowing that what he’s going through is completely valid is unmatched by anything he has ever felt before. 

_ I’m not weird. _

_ This is okay. _

_ I can like boys and girls. _

_ I can like Henry. _

“I’m bi,” he whispers, realisation settling in more and more. And Alex wonders why the fuck he didn’t know about this sooner, why did he only know about being straight or gay? Two ultimates, black and white. Maybe he should have paid a little more attention to Nora and June’s videos over the years.

He half expects nausea to return but his stomach just flutters, excitement buzzing under his skin that sends his entire body vibrating. Whereas he felt anxious before, he now feels a little more secure, feet halfway on the ground. Sure, this is all very new and even though he now has a name for it, Alex doesn’t feel that much different. But it does feel good. Good with a pinch of anxiety and uncertainty. At least that’s what he likes to tell himself. 

In reality, he’s scared. It’s not as bad as it was before but Alex is unsure of what this might mean for him, for his future. What if people find out? What would his parents say? They accepted June and Nora so they would accept him too, right? The anxiety pulsing behind his temple makes Alex’s entire body shudder.

When it’s almost 3 pm, Alex gets up from the sofa and gets dressed before he’s on his way to meet with June. The sun is out and with it the entirety of LA, the streets buzzing with activity.

He and June used to meet up at the beach a lot, especially when they first moved to LA a few years ago. In a place far from home, the blue twinkling ocean always made Alex feel a little closer to home.

June already waits for him when Alex gets there. “Alex, you little shit,” is the first thing she says, swatting his arm before she pulls him into a tight hug. 

Alex can’t help but chuckle, hugging her back. “I definitely deserved that one,” he laughs.

June hums, steps back and hands Alex a drink. “I got us boba, to remember the olden days.” Alex takes the drink from her with a thankful smile. He hasn’t had good boba in a long time so this is more than perfect.

They walk along the beach in silence for a moment before they both take their shoes off and find a free spot closer by the water, the sand hot and soft under their feet.

“So,” June says once they sit down. “You have some explaining to do.”

Alex sighs and ruffles a hand through his curls. “I suppose I do.” He buries his toes in the warm sand and takes a deep breath before he faces his sister. “It’s been a rough week if I’m being honest with you. Since Henry got here I’ve been on this rollercoaster of emotions. One moment I want to strangle him and the next I want him as close to me as possible. And I’m… I’m scared, maybe even terrified of what that means. I’m just having a hard time wrapping my mind around it all.”

June gently pats Alex on the shoulder, an understanding look in her eyes. “You should have talked to me about this sooner, Alex. I was really worried about you last night, you know? I had my suspicions but I thought you were smarter than this.” She nudges him in the side with her elbow and laughs.

“Not my best moment, I must admit,” Alex chuckles and shakes his head. It feels good to talk about this with someone he trusts as deeply as he does his sister. June has always been there for him and Alex is more than glad to have her around to listen to him.

“Henry was worried about you, too,” June says after a moment of silence. “Before he got here, he asked me multiple questions about what it would be like to live with you, you know? He’s a good guy, Alex. I’m glad you’re starting to see it too.” She smiles.

“Oh,” Alex says quietly. “I think I always knew but I didn’t want to admit it, not after everything that happened. How much did he tell you anyway?” Alex asks. “About what happened after I got home?”

“Not much. You turned up out of the blue and were pretty roughed up. But that’s about it,” June answers with a shrug. “Why?”

Alex stares out to the waves as he thinks. Finally, he says, “I might have to start a bit earlier than that for it to make sense.” He clears his throat. “I think I always had a bit of a thing for Henry but until now I didn’t have a name for it. I just thought of it as admiration and then hate and jealousy. But having him around, even for a few days, was and still is just very confusing. I tried everything from ignoring what I was feeling to downright suppressing it.”

He pauses for a moment and takes a sip from his drink before he continues, “I was feeling a lot of things all at once and I still am. So when we went out yesterday, I thought that getting drunk and hooking up with a random girl would set the record straight but I ended up bursting out of the club and throwing up on the sidewalk. No idea how I managed to get home but then I told Henry that I like him in a fleeting act of bravery and I’m fucking terrified. And most of all, I hate how much I don’t hate him and maybe I never did.”

Alex takes another deep breath and then finally says out loud to another person what has been burning on his tongue for days, “I think… I might be bi? Because I like girls, I still do but then there’s Henry I’m just feeling so many things I’ve never felt before. And it’s just so confusing.”

“Alex, are you coming out to me right now?”

“Uh, I guess?”

June just stares at him before she pulls him into an awkward side-hug. He can feel her sun-warm skin on his own, can smell her sweet perfume. “Oh, Alex,” she whispers. “I had no idea. I’m so sorry you had to go through this alone. I knew I should have been more persistent when I started to have a feeling that something weird was going on with you.” 

Alex shakes his head. “Don’t blame yourself for any of this, June. I’m just an idiot and got scared, there’s nothing you could have done to make this easier. I was making this more difficult for myself in the first place.”

“Of course there is, Alex. I’m literally running a YouTube channel that talks about all these things, it’s my fucking job and yet I’ve never bothered to check in on you for more than a minute. I’ve been so busy with this shoot and our home reno… I’m so sorry.” 

Alex smiles at her kindly and squeezes her hand. “Hey… you’re checking in on me right now, aren’t you? And I know how important this docu-series is for you and Nora. I wouldn’t want you to fall behind your schedule because your little brother is having a bit of a crisis. Plus, I watched your video on bisexuality so you did help me out in a way.” He brushes his thumb across the back of her hand.

June laughs quietly and tugs a loose strand of hair behind her pierced ear. “That makes me so fucking happy, Alex. You have no idea. What did Henry say?”

“I don’t remember,” he says slowly. Between last night and their conversation in the kitchen this morning, time has felt like an eternity. “I think he thought it was a joke? But we didn’t talk about it any further and I’m very much okay with the way it is right now.”

“Oh, really? How come?”

Alex sighs, tilting his head back a little and up towards the sun. “I spent the last few days being completely obsessed with him and struggling to come to terms with what that might mean. I just want to work through all of this before I even attempt to get into a relationship. And besides that, I don’t even know if Henry likes me too. At least I don’t recall him saying anything like that.” Alex sighs heavily. 

“Oh, that’s… I’m sorry, Alex.”

Alex shrugs. “I don’t mind. It’s fine, I’m fine, I promise. I still have to figure out a lot of stuff so I understand if he’s hesitant because I am too. We did agree to start over so I at least got a new friend out of all this mess.”

June puts her head on Alex’s shoulder and hums. “I think he likes you too but I think it’s a good idea to take it a little slower from here on out. You have a lot of emotional baggage from the past three years. But I’m so proud of you, Alex. Figuring this all out is never easy and especially not on your own.”

Alex nods quietly. 

“I’m happy for you,” June says after a while. 

“I’m happy for me too,” Alex replies with a smile because, at this moment, he truly is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to leave kudos and a comment 💜


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A quick update before I go back to renovating my new apartment 👀 Thank you all for your continuous support and love 💜

June has her head placed on Alex’s shoulder as they both watch the push and pull of the sparkling waves against the shore. It’s slowly starting to get quiet around them. Families and young couples returning back home in time for dinner, surfers pulling their boards ashore after a long day out on the waves, teenagers drawn to the countless food stalls. 

“Thank you,” Alex says after a while.

June hums and gently squeezes his hand. “Not for that, Alex. You were just as supportive when I came out. Remember?”

Now it’s Alex’s turn to hum, a smile on his face. 

He remembers clearly how June called him one night a few years ago and ordered him to Taco Bell at 9 pm on a Friday where she had a mental breakdown over her bean burrito. Her gay panic was a lot more graceful than Alex’s and at the end of the night, Alex dropped her off at Nora’s place and the rest is history.

“I should probably head home soon,” June says after a while and starts to collect her things and Alex does the same.

They say goodbye and Alex turns right while June turns left, the sound of the waves getting quieter and quieter. Alex feels good, energized even. 

The past handful of days have been pure stress and Alex is happy how far he has come in such a short time. Sure, there’s still a lot he has to work through but he feels more confident now. 

But one thing that is still bugging him is his conversation with Henry earlier. He’s happy that Henry doesn’t resent him like Alex thought he did or maybe would after his breakdowns, but he’s not sure if he will be able to pretend that it’s all good between them. He understands Henry a little better now but that gnawing feeling inside his chest is still there and it makes his skin crawl with heat.

Alex’s phone vibrates in his pocket. A text from Henry.

**H** **  
** _ online _

I’m done now   
Should I grab us some food?   
_ 6:56 pm _

Nora recommends the vegan place across the studio   
_ 6:57 pm _

Sounds great   
I’ll be back in 15   
See you there   
_ 7:00 pm _

Alex gets back to the apartment before Henry and uses that time to change and quickly clean up and take down the laundry.

When Henry gets there, Alex has already pulled out plates for them and turned on an episode of Great British Bake Off on the TV. Henry smiles at him and places two bags of take-out on the coffee table before he vanishes into his room and returns wearing a sweater and sweatpants.

Alex hates how good he looks.

He assumes he must be staring judging by the raised eyebrow and sly grin Henry gives him. Alex clears his throat and sits down on the sofa, watching as Henry unpacks their food and spreads it all out across the table.

“We have mac and cheese, tacos, soup, falafel, fries and an array of juices. I didn’t know what you would like so I got a little bit of everything,” Henry says and sits down next to Alex, their knees softly bumping. 

Alex fills his plate with a little bit of everything and quietly starts eating, eyes glued to the TV screen, glancing at Henry every now and then.

“I could do that,” Henry says suddenly, startling Alex and causing him to choke on a piece of falafel.

“What?” he says between coughs.

Henry shoots him a short glance, chewing on a bite of mac and cheese, then swallows and explains, “The cake. It looks easy enough.” He shrugs and stuffs his mouth with another fork of food.

Alex takes a sip from his juice, no longer coughing his lungs out, and nods slowly. “Do you enjoy baking?” he asks, curiously.

Henry doesn’t answer immediately. Instead, he puts his plate down and leans back, arms spread across the back of the sofa. “My dad and I used to bake every Sunday after church. So I guess it’s my way of keeping in touch with him.” There’s a smile on his face but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. 

Alex puts his plate down too and turns towards Henry. “Would you… would you like to bake something with me? Today or maybe another day? I’m not good at baking but I would love to learn,” he says, unconsciously inching even closer towards Henry.

“I… I’d love that,” Henry replies quietly and then there’s that smile again that makes the world around them slow down for a moment.

Alex can feel his breath go slower as he continues to stare at Henry, tracing both soft and sharp curves of his face, the upwards curl of his lashes, the freckles on his nose. 

At that moment, Alex doesn’t even care if Henry catches him staring. Maybe he even wants Henry to catch him, wants to see him laugh or grin or blush.

When Henry turns his head and his blue eyes meet Alex’s brown one, neither of them say anything, staying completely still, just staring. The tension between them feels electrified, heavy and graspable.

Alex awkwardly clears his throat and finally tears his eyes away, Henry’s gaze too burning for him to take it any longer and resumes stuffing his face with food.

They continue in that manner until they both have finished eating and return plates and trash to the kitchen. While Henry does the dishes, Alex consoles the cookbooks his mother and Leo gifted him for something easy that he and Henry could bake.

Alex knows how to cook, or at least he hasn’t died of malnutrition yet. Baking, however, isn’t his strong suit. He tried baking cookies once in high school and almost set their house on fire.

He finds a recipe that looks easy enough _ — _ lemon cake with poppies and a lemon glaze. He shows the recipe to Henry and after his approval, they quietly get to work. Alex collects the ingredients from around the kitchen and Henry measures and mixes them together one by one. 

Alex watches, mesmerized, how Henry’s elegant fingers crack open eggshells and how his fingers curl around the whisk, eyes glued to the veins on the back of Henry’s hand.

He had no idea baking could be so fucking sexy.

Henry dips his finger into the batter and holds it out to Alex with a raised eyebrow. “Would you fancy a taste?” 

Alex needs a second to comprehend what Henry is even talking about before he, chest feeling incredibly tight, slowly nods and carefully licks the batter off of Henry’s index finger. 

There is a pang in his chest that makes his eyes water and breath hitch. He stumbles backwards, the taste of lemon and sugar and poppies heavy on his tongue.

Henry looks at him confused, hand still up in the air with his index finger stretched out. “Is everything okay with you, Alex?”

Alex chokes on his words before he regains his composure and says, “Fuck this, Henry. I know we had this whole deal about pretending like nothing happened but I can’t do it. You might be able to just forget but not me.” 

He breathes in deeply and takes another step back but then Henry suddenly steps forward and Alex finds himself cornered between Henry and the fridge.

Henry’s eyes look dark, pupils blown wide. “You have no idea how hard this is for me,” he says, voice low. Alex can feel his heart hammer harder and harder inside his chest. “But I don’t want to rush you. I’m scared of forcing you to do anything that you are not ready for.”

“So you’re saying that I’m confused?” Alex shots back, chin pushed forward.

Henry steps even closer, towering above Alex but Alex isn’t intimidated. He crosses his arms in front of his chest and watches Henry’s face closely for any answer.

“No. If you feel that way then there’s no room for me to challenge that. I don’t want to rush you because I want to make sure that you are okay with any of this. I want to be your friend so badly, wanted to be your friend for years, but there is nothing more that I want to do than kiss you and hold your hand. I don’t want to ruin a friendship that barely exists and I just don’t think that-”

Alex doesn’t let him finish and crashes his lips against Henry’s. He uncrosses his arms and wraps them around Henry’s torso and leans closer. Henry’s body is warm and heavy against his own, his lips soft. 

He’s not sure where the sudden bravery comes from but barely anything has ever felt as right as kissing Henry’s stupid mouth to stop him from saying such stupid things that make absolutely no sense.

Alex never could have imagined how nice a first kiss inside a dirty kitchen could be. He probably has batter and flour stuck to his face and clothes and so does Henry but kissing Henry, Alex finds, isn’t too different from kissing a girl and it might be the best first kiss yet.

Realization hits him when Henry’s laces a hand into the curls in the nape of his neck and Alex quickly ducks away and dashes out the room, leaving a puzzled Henry behind in the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to leave kudos and a comment 💜


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Already a new chapter? Hell yeah, baby. Your response to the last one really made me fall in love with this story again (not that I ever didn't love it) but I had so much fun writing this that I wanted to share it with y'all as soon as I finished it 🥰
> 
> I listened to the All The Way meme song from Jacksepticeye while writing this because it helped with my brain zoomies ✨ And now I would like to present you the highly anticipated Q&A chapter!
> 
> Thank you so much for the RWRB: A Gray Area discord server for providing me if a bunch of questions for the boys to answer. You guys truly rock 💜

The next morning is a little awkward, to say the least.

After he stormed off and locked himself inside his bedroom, Alex had just stared out of the window until he fell asleep. When he awoke a few hours later he had found a piece of cake in front of his door.

**Nora**   
_online_

I fucked up  
4:39 am

Wtf Alex  
Go to sleep  
 _4:40 am_

I kissed Henry  
 _4:42 am_

And I am the next Queen of England  
 _4:43 am_

Wait  
You’re being serious?  
 _4:45 am_

Of course I fucking am  
 _4:46 am_

How did it feel?  
 _4:47 am_

Like running a marathon  
And I could run it five more times  
 _4:48 am_

He feels bad. He truly does. Does he regret the kiss? Not really, but he fears that Henry might. 

Alex has avoided Henry for most of the morning, except for when he bumped into him after his shower, but he dares to finally leave his room around noon. 

Henry sits on the sofa in the living room, reading a book. He barely lifts his head when Alex closes his bedroom door behind him and awkwardly stands in the middle of the room. 

Alex clears his throat and points over his shoulder in the vague direction of his office. “Do you, uh, still want to film the Q&A with me? It’s okay if you don’t want to. I totally understand after what happened yesterday.” He ruffles a hand through his hair, nervously chewing on his lower lip.

Henry closes his book and laughs. “Of course I still want to. Getting to know all your dirty little secrets is exactly what I’m here for.” 

Henry has, once again, the fucking audacity to wink at him.

Alex swallows and nods. “Yeah, sure,” he croaks. “Do you want to film it here or in my office?”

Henry shrugs. “Here sounds fine but I’m okay with the office too.”

“Living room it is then,” Alex says, slowly regaining his composure around Henry and gestures for the Brit to follow him so that they can get the equipment from his office and set it up in front of the sofa.

Normally it takes Alex about an hour or more to set up everything in a way that he likes and that works, but the set is up and good to go in less than thirty minutes with Henry’s help. Which isn’t much of a surprise if Alex is being honest. After all, Henry has been filming videos for around five or six years now.

With cameras and lights in place, microphones clipped to their shirts, Alex and Henry sit down on the sofa and Alex hands Henry his phone.

“Ready?” Henry asks.

Alex takes a deep breath and then smiles. With a nod, he says, “I think a simple Q&A is the least of my problems right now.” And before Henry can even say anything about that, Alex turns towards the camera and recites his usual opening, “Hello, friends and fellas and anyone in between. Today I am joined with none other than British royalty himself, Henry Fox.”

It feels a lot easier to talk with Henry in front of the camera, Alex finds. Sure, he sometimes stares a little too long at him or flinches whenever their legs bump into each other, but his thoughts are a lot more coherent and put together than away from the camera.

“Without further ado, let’s get started with the first question,” Henry says. “What’s your favourite colour?”

“Easy,” Alex says. “Red.”

“Red? Like red red? Not maroon or crimson or scarlet, straight-up red? Just… red?”

Alex chuckles and shoves Henry lightly, their legs colliding when Henry bounces back. He laughs, nose wrinkling. Alex has to force himself to not stare at him and just crosses his arms in front of his chest, pretending to be hurt by Henry’s statement.

“Anyway. My favourite colour is sage green,” Henry says with a content face.

“Nerd.”

Henry just rolls his eyes and reads out the second question, “When did you first meet? This is a question that has been asked a lot along with why I’m currently in the US and for how long we have been friends.”

Alex glances awkwardly at Henry which he seems to take as his clue to continue talking.

“We technically met a few weeks ago for the first time during a live stream. If you haven’t watched it, check it out on Alex’s twitch channel. But we actually met for the first time last week, but I’ve been a fan of Alex for a few years so it feels more like living with a friend than with some random dude from the internet.”

Alex snorts and shakes his head. “Fuck off, Fox,” he says. “My sister June introduced us and when I heard that Henry was coming to the US to film something with my sister and Nora, I offered him to stay at my place.” He shrugs and smiles at Henry before he faces the camera again. “But living with Henry is great. It’s a bit like having a cat. He’s very independent but he leaves you little gifts here and there which is nice. Especially his breakfast is to die for.”

“Really?” Henry asks, his voice suddenly quiet and shy.

“Uh, yeah. Dude, your food is fucking delicious.” Alex doesn’t even have time to be embarrassed about it because Henry is fucking blushing and Alex wants nothing more than to place a kiss on his crimson cheeks.

“Next question,” Henry says, clearing his throat. “This question also plays into the same categories of the one before. What was your first impression of each other and what do you like most about the other person?”

Alex slowly starts to regret handing Henry the phone and giving him full autonomy of the questions but he’s also very intrigued to hear what Henry has to say about him.

“Henry is annoyingly tall,” Alex says and crosses his arms across his chest, sinking deeper into the sofa cushions and shooting Henry an angry glare. “but the things I like the most about him is… that he’s funny and smart. There is never a boring conversation with him.”

Henry just grins at him, all pearly white teeth and mischief but also kindness and, Alex's heart stops for a second, fondness. “Well, I thought that Alex was smart. Very smart actually, he truly is, and I’m not saying that because I feel the need to.” Henry bumps their knees together softly. “And my favourite thing about him is how hard he works. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone who has as much dedication to literally anything than Alex has for his job.”

Alex has to try very hard to not start crying because this has to be the friendliest and kindest shit anyone has ever said about him. How the fuck was he ever thinking that Henry hated him? Maybe in some twisted parallel universe but in this timeline, the one where he sits in his living room in front of a camera with Henry by his side, Henry thinks that he is smart and hardworking. Alex couldn’t have asked for a better compliment.

“Next question,” Henry says after an awfully long silence between them. “Who’s your favourite author?" Henry ruffles a hand through his hair, a gesture that makes Alex melt inside every single time. “As a British literature major, the only acceptable answer is Jane Austen.”

“How original,” Alex teases but makes a mental note of downloading Jane Austen audiobooks later so he can listen to them while working. “Mine is Oscar Wilde.”

Henry, who had just taken a sip from his coffee cup, suddenly starts choking and coughing. “Are you being serious right now?”

Alex bites his lip and nods. He watched Henry’s videos on Oscar Wilde, especially the one about The Picture of Dorian Gray, religiously back in the day. His own copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray is very much worn out, pages torn at the sides, ink and highlighter smeared across pages. The spine is only barely holding up these days and Alex had to tape it back together more than once.

“Why? Is it that surprising that I actually have taste?”

Henry recovers and laughs. “I just never thought that you were someone who enjoys this _particular_ type of literature. What’s your favourite book from him then?”

Alex hesitates. “The Picture of Dorian Gray.”

“Oh, really?”

Alex barely resists the urge to either punch or kiss Henry. “Are you trying to gatekeep me right now?” Alex asks instead with a challenging look in his face. “I will fucking fight you, Henry. While I’m already talking about him, have you seen the Wilde movie from 1997? I never realized until now how similar you and young fucking Jude Law look. It’s a little weird, to be honest.”

 _Weird_ because Alex has a not so small obsession with the actor. Yes, his hairline has seen better days but his movies always pull Alex in completely and he can rewatch them time and time again. Was Jude Law his bisexual awakening? More likely than Alex might like to acknowledge. He has to admit that it's a little embarrassing but at least he doesn’t have a fucking foot kink.

“I never watched that one but I will put it on my list,” Henry says with a shrug and Alex hates how little Henry seems to care. “Next question. Are you dating? No.”

Alex can feel his face run hot because he wants nothing more than to change that answer to a yes but he just turns to look away and nods. “Yeah, we’re just… friends,” he croaks.

Henry shoots him a confused look but Alex just gestures for him to keep going. Henry clears his throat and it suddenly feels as if he’s sitting miles away from Alex. And Alex, well, he wants nothing more than to close the distance until there is no space left between them.

“Since people seem to be very invested in our dating lives, the next question is what are you looking for in a girlfriend or boyfriend?” Henry says. He thinks about it shortly before he answers, “I’m looking for someone who compliments me in a way. I don’t have a certain type, at least I don’t think I do. But my boyfriend should be able to make me laugh and be there for me through all highs and lows.” He finishes with a shrug.

Now it’s Alex’s turn and he’s not sure if he’s ready yet. _Boyfriend or girlfriend_.

He swallows and runs a hand through his hair, sorting out the words in his mind before he replies, “Like Henry, I don’t have a particular type. I just want a partner who’s not afraid of calling me out on my bullshit but is also willing to help me work through stuff, you know? Someone who’s okay with me rambling about my latest hyper fixation but who’s also telling me to just shut up when I’ve been running my mouth a little too much.” He fidgets a little, shooting Henry a quick glance. “And I’m a big family person so it would be great if they share the same values in some way if that makes sense.”

He notices that Henry is staring at him and Alex just turns to look at him and smiles. “What?” he asks, quietly. There’s a shy smile on Henry’s face that makes Alex’s heart jump. “That was very nice,” he replies and Alex hopes that Henry got the hint that this is very much about him.

"What is your favourite song? Both currently and of all time," Henry says now.

"Currently _Fire On Fire_ by Sam Smith. Favourite song of all time is _Your Song_ by Elton John," Alex answers without having to think too much about it. "My sister used to sing it to me when she was first learning to play the guitar so it holds a special place in my heart."

"That's actually very sweet," Henry replies, his voice warm and soft. The sound makes Alex's heart flutter. "I currently have _Line Without a Hook_ by Ricky Montgomery on repeat, but my absolute favourite and comfort song has to be _Starman_ by David Bowie. Technically everything by Bowie is an absolute banger but this song especially."

Alex adds David Bowie to his mental list of stuff he needs to check out.

“Next one. What is your favourite Star Wars movie? Easy, _Return of the Jedi_ ," Henry says, matter-of-factly.

“Are you fucking serious right now, Fox? Wow, you’re so wrong,” Alex says with a grin, arms crossed. “The obvious and only correct answer to that question is _The Empire Strikes Back_.”

“First of all, there is no wrong or right answer to a subjective question. Secondly, what does _Empire_ have that _Jedi_ doesn’t?”

Alex has hit a nerve and he’s very pleased about it. “Okay, _Jedi_. For one, _Return of the Jedi_ has fucking Ewoks, come on. Boring. But _Empire_ has the Leia and Han kiss, Han Solo is on top of his game, fucking Lando Calrissian, the best twist in all of cinematic history and we meet fucking Yoda. It’s so perfectly dark and gritty. What’s there not to like?”

“ _Empire_ has no Ewoks.”

“That’s the whole fucking point,” Alex says, louder now and gesticulates wildly which causes Henry to laugh out loud, head thrown back.

“You’re so weird,” Henry says, shaking his head. “I just like happy endings, that’s all. Next and final question.” Their knees bump against each other again. “Favourite video by the other person?”

Henry clearly must hate him because how in god’s name is he supposed to admit that it’s a tie between the drunkenly taking the BDSM test and the entirety of Henry's Oscar Wilde videos. Alex keeps quiet for a moment, thinking and running through his options when he remembers one video that Henry uploaded a few years ago that still, to this day, lives in his head rent-free.

“Your coming out video,” he answers and it seemingly catches Henry off guard, again.

“Really?” he stutters and this time Alex doesn’t miss the blush on Henry's face. “Well, mine’s your fundraising video for breast cancer from last year. It was very touching especially since my grandmother died from breast cancer when I was a kid." 

There's a sad smile on Henry's face and before he can stop himself, he reaches over and places his hand on Henry's thigh, gently squeezing. He expects Henry to pull away but then Henry suddenly laces his fingers into Alex's and Alex suddenly forgets that they're filming a video and that he impulsively kissed Henry last night before locking himself inside his room. Because Henry is holding his hand and that's all that matters.

"You should do the outro," Henry whispers after a while and slowly withdraws his hand. Alex immediately misses the warmth and weight of Henry's hand.

"If you promise not to run away."

Henry chuckles. "Shouldn't you be the one promising that?"

And this time, Alex doesn't hold back and surges forward, his lips crashing against Henry's in a bruising kiss. 

A surprised noise escapes Henry's mouth and Alex swallows it all up. His hand travels up Henry's leg and arm and places it on Henry's cheek, thumb drawing small circles across Henry's soft skin. Henry hums and deepens the kiss, arms wrapped around Alex. 

It feels so familiar, so right that Alex wishes it would never end. He feels safe, here in his apartment in Henry's arms with Henry's lips on his. 

Alex doesn't think about running away, not anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to leave kudos and a comment 💜


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For my friends. Thanks for reaching out and being so kind to me today (and always). I love you all so much.
> 
> This chapter was a lot of fun and put me in a good mood after a rough night. It is also the first chapter where things get a little steamy between these two _and_ the longest one yet 👀
> 
> CW/TW: alcohol  
> PSA: Remember, asking for consent is the bare minimum but also very sexy. Please drink responsibly if you do.

On Monday, Alex spends most of his day locked in the office, editing their video. He ends up watching the footage multiple times in full-length, especially their kiss, before he regains his focus. Luckily, Henry isn’t there to distract Alex even further.

Henry left earlier that morning, way before Alex was even awake, but he left Alex a thermos cup with coffee, a stack of pancakes and a small note.

 _Can’t wait to see you again tonight_ _  
__xx Henry_

The note now resides beside Alex’s keyboard next to his cat-shaped mug and an empty plate that was previously loaded with pancakes, apple slices and maple syrup. 

While they were filming, Alex barely noticed himself staring at Henry or the blush that crept higher and higher on his cheeks as the video went on. He, of course, knew that he was looking at Henry a little more often than necessary, but it didn’t occur to him at the time just how much they looked at each other and how much he actually blushed. Thankfully, his skin is dark enough so it’s less apparent.

It takes Alex several hours and most of his working hours to get the raw cut done. There isn’t as much footage compared to other videos he has done where he sends some of it off to Liam for help. Even if the footage would span hundreds of hours, Alex would still edit it all on his own. This video somehow feels so much more personal than anything he has ever filmed before. And not only because he has fifteen minutes of footage showing him and Henry kissing. It’s also the small glances, the subtle touch of their elbows or hands, the way they bathe in the presence of each other.

By the time Henry gets back to the apartment around early afternoon, Alex lays on the sofa and scrolls through his phone, answering a few DMs here and there. Ever since he posted the picture of him and Henry for their Q&A on his story, people have been flooding his messages even more than usual. Some want to know more about him and Henry or want to leave them more questions while others are simply being either racist or homophobic.

When he first started out, Alex tried to answer as many comments and messages as he possibly could every day but now there are simply way too many for him to get through them all. Sadly, the amount of hateful and even racist messages has increased over the years as well. Alex simply blocks and deletes those messages when he gets them and doesn’t pay them any more attention. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day to be arguing with rude people on the internet. He prefers to use his energy and time for other things like work or being with his family.

Alex watches Henry take off his jacket in the hallway and kick off his shoes before he walks over to Alex and sits down beside him on the sofa, gently brushing the curls away from his forehead and placing a soft kiss there. His hand is warm and soft and Henry smells of sun lotion and coffee.

“Hey,” he says softly with a smile, hand resting on Alex’s cheek for a second before he pulls it back, resting it on his lap.

“Hey,” Alex replies with an equally soft smile and laces his fingers into Henry’s hand and pulls him down until he can bury his face in the crook of Henry’s neck, deeply inhaling the familiar scent.

On Tuesday, Alex finishes editing the video and joins Nora, June and Henry in the studio. He helps them film for a few hours before they all decide to grab lunch together. Alex and Henry haven’t talked to the others about their current relationship status because quite frankly, they haven’t talked about it either. Though Alex has a feeling that Nora and June already picked up on what’s going on.

Alex is naturally gravitating towards Henry as the day goes on, like a moon orbiting its planet. Small and secret touches as they pass by each other, a shy brush of fingertips, toes touching underneath the table in the small Italian restaurant, Henry’s hand on the small of his back. 

On Wednesday, Alex uploads his new video. 

_Getting Deep & Personal w/ Henry Fox _

He anxiously stares at the screen as the first views and comments come rushing in. Even after years of uploading content, Alex always gets this rush of anxiety and excitement whenever he posts a new video.

Alex likes the video, likes it very much in fact. It doesn’t have any fancy over-the-top special effects, no loud and distracting music, no annoying sponsorship clip. It’s just him and Henry.

Henry stands behind him, his hands on Alex’s shoulder, gently kneading the tensed muscles there. Alex sighs and relaxes a little more, unclenching his jaw.

“I’m sure people will enjoy it,” Henry says and places a light kiss on Alex’s curls. “You did a great job on this.”

Alex sighs and turns to shut off his computer for now. No matter how much he wants to reply to comments and see people’s reaction, he feels as if he couldn’t handle it right now. Reality is slowly settling in that he has put such a private video up on his channel even though Alex has talked about a lot more private things before. 

“Let’s go for a walk,” Henry says and Alex takes him to the beach.

On Thursday, Alex spends his morning replying to comments, messages and emails while Henry begins editing his US vlog. The reception of Alex’s new video is overall positive and he has gained a few new subscribers and followers from it which is always nice.

 **FridgeMaster69** **  
**Great video, Alex! Henry seems like such a cool dude

 **Odysseus** **  
**Your dynamic is fucking everything

 **eggs on toast** **  
**icons

 **Lea P** **  
**Henry is my new White Boy Of The Month™

 **Christine** **  
**Their Star Wars discourse is the best fucking thing I have ever seen. Please tell me there will be more videos with Henry

 **GayOnTheShelf** **  
**I never expected you two to actually get along but I’m living for it! And I have to agree with Henry, Return of the Jedi is the best Star Wars movie, sorry Alex

 **Funky Sock Santa** **  
**Jude Law fans unite because that man could like get it, you know? He could hit me with his car and I would thank him

 **wivia**  
easily my new favourite video on the entire internet

 **Gina Perrila** **  
**This video called me lonely in at least five languages

 **Turkey Calamity** **  
**Their friendship feels so genuine

 **Yeehaw45** **  
**I want what Alex has (aka Henry) uwu

 **Kim H** **  
**I hope that we get to see a little bit more of Henry. Their dynamic is so fun and I love how they bounce off of each other. Best boys

 **not a furry** **  
**Istg, if they do end up dating I will cry. Their chemistry is everything I could ever ask for

 **Bee** **  
**I wish I had a gay best friend who I could talk to about which Star Wars movie is the best and who my favourite author is, rip

On Friday, they all decide to go out together as Henry will be leaving the very next day. It’s a bittersweet night. They celebrate the completion of the first round of video shoots for their docu-series but also say goodbye to Henry. At least for a couple of weeks until they will all travel to the UK to completely wrap up filming. 

Alex has tried to talk to Henry about what has happened between them for the entire day but every time he tries to open his mouth, the words just won’t come out. It’s a little frustrating and Alex already dreads their goodbye. Will it be awkward? Will they hug or just stare at each other? What happens once Henry is back in the UK?

A knock on his bedroom door snaps Alex back into reality. “Come in,” he calls, clearing his throat.

The door opens and Henry steps in, the room already feeling a lot brighter. Alex’s previous sorrows suddenly disappear in the sheer presence of Henry. 

He wears cuffed jeans with black docs and a light blue shirt with tiny daisies embroidered along the collar. Alex spots Henry’s tattoo peeking out from under his sleeve and he once again finds himself wondering what exactly it is. Somehow, every time he has tried to take a look at it, he finds himself distracted by Henry’s eyes, the veins on his arms, the way the fabric of his shirts twists over the muscle there.

“You look great,” Alex says with a smile. He hasn’t gotten dressed yet, too caught up in his own thoughts.

Henry smiles. “I’m glad you like it,” he replies and walks over to Alex’s bed and sits down beside him, legs bumping into each other softly. 

Alex puts his head on Henry’s shoulder, listening to the rhythm of his breath, the distant beating of his heart. “I think I should get dressed too,” Alex whispers after a while, drawing small circles on Henry’s thigh.

“Maybe you should,” Henry chuckles, the sound vibrating deep inside his chest. A sound that leaves Alex’s heart aching in a good way, in a way that means _I will miss this and I don’t want you to go_.

Alex reluctantly gets up and slowly starts to strip down. It feels intimate, Alex slowly laying himself bare in front of Henry’s eyes. It makes his throat tighten and heart jump, but he’s not embarrassed or anxious. Not with the way Henry looks at him, looks at him with awe and fondness, a soft smile on his lips.

Alex strips out of his shirt, exposing dark skin, stretch marks around his hips, the trail of dark hair that travels further down and vanishes below the waistband of his sweatpants. 

He can hear Henry inhale sharply and then he suddenly stands in front of Alex and gently reaches out, curling his fingers around Alex’s hips. Henry’s thumbs carefully brush over the stretch marks, scarred tissue on smooth skin.

Alex shivers underneath his touch, lifting his head until he can look Henry in the eyes, once again overwhelmed with how blue they are, how beautiful. He can feel Henry’s breath on his face, Henry’s warmth on his skin.

Alex just loses himself in the ethereal beauty of Henry’s face, the blue depths of his eyes, the beautiful soul that lies beneath them, waiting for Alex to swim down there. Henry has the beauty of a dying star just before it turns into glittering stardust. Captivating, alluring. Alex is unable to tear his eyes away.

He lifts his hand and gently brushes his fingers across Henry’s cheek, the universe pulsing underneath his fingertips where his skin and Henry’s meet.

Henry’s face inches closer in what feels like slow motion but when their lips finally meet, it sets fireworks off inside of Alex and he wraps his arms around Henry’s neck, balancing on his toes to get as close to him as possible.

Henry tightens his grip, keeping Alex steady. 

It’s a sweet and tender kiss, slow and intimate. It’s unlike any other kiss they have shared before. Alex feels as if he suddenly understands, understands why Henry is the way he is, understands what he feels, understands what he wants. For Alex, it all begins and ends with Henry, with Henry here with him, with Henry kissing him, with Henry soon being gone.

They slowly break apart with shy smiles and Henry dips his head down to press their foreheads together, their breath meeting in the small space between them, dancing to the joint beat of their hearts.

“We should hurry,” Alex whispers after a while. “I don’t want to make the others wait.”

Henry nods slowly and steps back, his fingers lingering on Alex’s bare skin for another second before he fully steps away and sits back down on the bed. 

Alex is still a little breathless as he pulls out a green satin shirt from his closet and swaps his sweatpants for a pair of dark jeans. He stands in front of the mirror and undoes the first two sets of buttons and ruffles his hair, Henry’s eyes fixed on his every movement.

Once he’s finished and satisfied, Alex turns around to present his outfit to Henry with an excited smile. Alex has always felt rather confident in his fashion choices, but he wants to make sure Henry thinks that he looks good. It’s not essential to Alex’s confidence but he still wants to impress Henry and hear his opinion. 

“You look beautiful,” Henry says, not even hesitating, not even blushing. 

Alex on the other hand can feel the heat on his cheeks and bashfully rubs the back of his neck. “Thank you,” he says, smiling shyly. 

He didn’t expect Henry to call him _beautiful_. No one has ever called him beautiful and meant it but Henry says it with such honesty and awe, Alex fears he might fall for Henry even more.

Because that’s what he has been doing for the past week. Falling, falling more and more for Henry in a way that he would have never deemed possible. Alex wouldn’t say that he is in love, he’s not even sure if he knows what being in love feels like. 

The only thing he knows for certain is that Henry is the one he wants to call in the middle of the night until they both fall asleep, wants to make him laugh until he has tears streaming down his face, wants to warm his hands when they get cold in winter, wants to play with that one curl that always hangs into his face.

“Ready?” Henry’s voice pulls Alex back to reality and he absently nods his head. “Yeah,” he croaks and follows Henry out of the room.

They meet Nora and June in their shared uber downstairs. The drive to the gay bar they have chosen takes fifteen minutes and is filled with laughter, fun stories from their shoots, memories they made along the way. 

Alex sits in the front seat and quietly watches the others in the rearview mirror, heart fuzzy with how happy it makes him see the people he cares about the most to be so happy.

The club is already bustling with activity, the loud music sends the pavement outside vibrating. It’s still warm outside, but they quickly make their way inside, stopping at the bar for the first round of shots. 

Alex has been to this club a few times. He usually glues himself to the bar and watches from afar, but today he’s in the mood to dance and so are the others. He throws back his shot and then orders another round of drinks before they make their way onto the dancefloor.

He joins Nora and June at first, he and his sister sandwiching Nora between them like they always do. In the haze of alcohol and the strong smell of sweat and perfume that fills the club, Alex has quickly lost track of Henry. “I’ll go look for Henry,” he yells over the music. Nora and June give him a thumbs up and continue to dance.

It doesn’t take long for Alex to find Henry again. 

He’s awkwardly dancing with a tall dark-haired dude in the middle of the dance floor. Henry looks good, his movements a little stiff but still mesmerizing, the colourful headlights dancing across his face.

There’s a pang inside of Alex’s chest that he can only interpret as jealousy. He knows that he has no reason to be jealous. They are not officially dating, not even unofficially. Right? 

But Alex knows that that’s a lie. He’s fucking jealous because he fucking likes Henry and the thought of someone else touching Henry the way Alex did earlier when they were kissing in the bedroom makes him sick.

He throws back the rest of his drink for some extra bravery and makes his way further through the crowd until he’s with Henry and laces a finger into the belt hoop of Henry’s jeans and gently tugs. Henry immediately discards the other guy with an apologetical smile. “I was looking for you,” Alex yells. “You looked quite busy just seconds ago,” Henry says back and Alex doesn’t miss the disappointment in his voice. 

He swallows. Henry is right, he should have asked him to dance from the get-go and not only after seeing him with another guy. But Alex has no time to further regret his stupidity because Henry is suddenly laughing and cups Alex’s jaw with his hands, gently pulling him closer. “I’m glad you came, though. That guy smelled like kale and piss, not the greatest combo.”

_I wanna love you but I better not touch_

Alex snickers and loops his arms around Henry’s waist.

_I wanna hold you, but my senses tell me to stop_

“You smell a lot nicer too,” Henry whispers into Alex’s ear, catching his earlobe between his teeth and gently tugging. Alex shudders, a breath hitching in the back of his throat. Henry slowly drags his nose down Alex’s neck, his hot breath dancing across Alex’s skin.

_I wanna kiss you but I want it too much_

Alex turns his head, lips brushing across Henry’s cheekbones until their lips finally meet. Henry tastes like alcohol, strong and intoxicating. His tongue is wet and warm and Alex isn’t sure if he’s drunk from the alcohol he had or if it’s the feeling that Henry is planting inside his mouth that causes heat to bloom in Alex’s stomach.

_I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison_

Henry fits against Alex perfectly, their bodies moving in complete unison. Alex has long forgotten that they are in public, someone could see them, someone could find out about them, but he decides he doesn’t care. Not right now. Not now when it all seems to be good and working out and _perfect_. Just perfect.

_I hear you calling and it's needles and pins_

Henry laces his fingers into the curls in the nape of his neck, tugging Alex’s head back so he can latch his lips onto the smooth skin of Alex’s throat, tongue pressed against his pulse point.

Alex helplessly croaks Henry’s name but the sound is lost in the music. The sensation makes Alex’s knees buckle and he fears they might give out beneath him but Henry quickly brings one arm around Alex’s hips and holds him steady just like he did earlier.

_I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name_

“I like you,” Alex whispers. It was supposed to get lost in the sound of the music, words that have no evidence of ever being spoken, but in the small room between them is silence. A silence in which his quiet confession echoes, louder and louder. 

_Don't want to touch you but you're under my skin_

“I always did,” Henry says. The echo gets louder and louder. Alex is a little confused on what that is supposed to mean but Henry is kissing him again and he forgets about it immediately. 

_I wanna kiss you but your lips are venomous poison_

They get a drink and then another and another, to the point where Alex is well past being tipsy, but his mind still feels sharp, drowning in Henry’s warmth, melting in his presence. Henry has a red glow sitting high on his cheeks, his lips a similar colour and Alex doesn’t resist placing another kiss on them, the sight sending his stomach fluttering.

“Want to get out of here?” Henry says after another round of shots and Alex just nods his head. They say their goodbyes to Nora and June before heading out. Alex calls them an uber, wrapping his arm around Henry in drunken happiness. 

The ride home is quiet, Alex and Henry holding hands in the back of the car and exchanging secret glances as LA passes by their windows in the darkness. 

As soon as the apartment door falls shut behind them, Alex finds himself cornered between the door and Henry. He looks stunning in the dim light with glowing cheeks and his pupils blown wide.

Alex patiently waits for Henry to make the first move, lips parted slightly, eyes fixed on Henry’s face. It still comes as a surprise when Henry finally dips his head down and their lips meet again. A feeling Alex is so used to by now but a feeling that never ceases to surprise him and that will never stop to make his head spin. 

Alex suddenly loses the ground beneath his feet. Quite literally as Henry effortlessly lifts him up and Alex instinctively wraps his legs around his waist, arms wrapped around Henry’s neck and fingers curling into his hair. He gives it an experimental tug and the sound Henry makes, makes Alex blackout for a second.

It’s a moan low from deep within Henry’s throat, thick with alcohol and _want_. Alex can almost taste that sound on Henry’s tongue, can taste his name on Henry’s lips. 

There is want inside of Alex too. It’s sitting in his gut and growing hotter and hotter by the second, threatening to set his insides on fire. But it’s what Alex wants, he wants to burn under Henry’s touch until he is nothing but ash and then he will rise again. He will be anew, Henry’s touch a part of him. It’s the closeness, the intimacy that he craves.

Alex tugs on Henry’s lower lip, pressing his slowly hardening cock against Henry’s stomach in a desperate attempt to find some friction. Henry chuckles, the sound sending vibrations through Alex’s entire body.

“Sofa or bedroom, anything,” Alex pants. “I need to touch you.”

Henry nods, tightens his arms around Alex and stumbles down the hallway and drops Alex down on the sofa. Alex looks up at Henry who is towering above him, chest heaving up and down. He looks dominant, in control and Alex likes that a lot more than he would like to admit.

Impatiently, Alex hooks his index fingers into the belt loops of Henry’s jeans again and pulls him closer until he can get his hands on him and pull him down. 

Luckily, the sofa is big enough for the two of them and after some shuffling around, Alex finds himself sitting on Henry’s lap, hips grinding and their lips crashing in a bruising kiss. It’s not pretty at all. Whereas the kiss from earlier was soft and gentle, this one is filled with teeth and saliva and pure need.

Henry makes quick work of the remaining buttons on Alex’s shirt, his hands exploring the newly exposed skin, tracing over his ribcage, the soft rounds of his hips. 

Alex shudders and teases his fingers under the hem of Henry’s shirt, finally feeling the smooth skin that’s hiding underneath. Henry shudders and Alex takes that as his cue to keep going, pushing Henry’s shirt up and shortly breaking their kiss to yank it off of him and toss it mindlessly to the side.

Alex sprawls his hands out, fingers curling around the sides of Henry’s ribcage. He can feel Henry’s heart beating beneath his fingertips.

Suddenly Alex finds himself flipped around on his back, bouncing a little as Henry crawls on top of him, lips leaving a wet trail from his navel up to his neck. Even in the darkness of the living room, Alex can spot the sharp outlines of Henry’s face, the glittering in his eyes that makes Alex’s entire body twitch with anticipation.

Bracing himself with one hand beside Alex’s head, Henry uses the other to unbutton Alex’s jeans and pulling them down to his knees. He tugs a thumb into the elastic of his boxers and asks, “Do you want me to keep going?” 

And Alex, well, he appreciates that Henry is asking for his consent because _fuck that’s hot_ but he also needs Henry to touch him _right now_. He is still drunk but he feels sober enough to make this decision. And he trusts Henry.

“Yeah, fucking hell, Henry. Please,” Alex pleads, no he _begs_. 

Henry nods and eases his hand into Alex’s boxer shorts painfully slowly. 

Alex’s hips buckle hard at the first contact Henry’s fingers make with his skin, Henry’s hand curling around the smooth skin of his cock. He bites his lips, barely holding back the moan that is fabricating in the back of his throat. It comes out as a strangled groan, ricocheting from Henry’s lips.

Henry chuckles and starts to slowly move his hand up and down Alex’s shaft, thumb teasing his tip while placing kisses along Alex’s jawline and neck, gently nibbling at his collarbone. 

Alex somehow manages to unbutton Henry’s jeans and pull them down along with his boxers, blindly exploring Henry’s cock that lays hot and heavy in his hand.

Henry above him shudders, lowering his hip until he can wrap his hand around their joined dicks and Alex thinks he might faint because it does not only feel fantastic but it also means that Henry’s hands truly are just massive and he wonders what else those hands could do. 

Alex tries his best to help, rutting his hips and cupping with his hand what Henry can’t reach. It’s rough, ragged but good, so so good. 

Alex can feel the heat inside of his gut boiling, latching onto his lung and heart and legs until he feels as if his entire body is on fire. The heat is everywhere and so is Henry. He is in every touch, in every moment, in every breath, in every heartbeat, in every stroke.

Alex half-chokes out Henry’s name when he comes, shuddering violently and Henry quickly follows. “Alex,” he calls out, breathlessly. Hearing Henry say his name so raw and unapologetically bare makes Alex see stars. Henry is no longer stardust, he is a fucking nebula.

They lay in silence for a while. A little drunk and exhausted and especially sticky.

“Please don’t leave me,” Alex whispers after a moment, gently brushing away a stray curl from Henry’s sweaty forehead and leaving a kiss in its place, but Henry is already asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to leave kudos and a comment 💜
> 
> Song playing in the club is Poison by Alice Cooper for no other reason that I adore this song and making out to it in a gay club just sounded kinda good.
> 
> Check out the [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3oO7WSe1zo7WUKv1gs0g9x?si=chTkQqstQKeEL7RhB7STkA) for this fic.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dreaded goodbye is here.

Alex wakes up a few hours later, sandwiched between Henry and the sofa cushions. There is a headache pulsing behind his eyes, mouth uncomfortably dry and his limbs stiff. But when he glances down at Henry, he forgets about it all. 

Henry rests his head on Alex’s chest, his leg tangled with Alex’s. There is drool on his face, hair flattened from sleep. He looks so peaceful, so at ease.

The sight makes Alex’s heart melt and he carefully brushes his fingers through Henry’s hair and places a light kiss on his forehead. “Morning, sweetheart,” he whispers.

Henry stirs and slowly opens his eyes. They are heavy with sleep, his usually bright blue eyes looking a lot darker, almost grey like the sea before a storm. His long lashes cast soft shadows across his tanned and freckled cheeks in the morning light that falls through the windows. They have gotten a lot more noticeable since Henry arrived last week. Alex traces them lightly with his finger, connecting them to small constellations on Henry’s skin.

“Hey,” Henry croaks, voice rough from alcohol and sleep.

They continue to lay on the sofa, legs tangled and exchanging lazy kisses, private whispers. Alex drinks it all up, tries to memorize how Henry’s lips feel on his, how Henry’s mouth curls when he smiles, the sound of his laugh, the rhythm of his heart.

“I’ll make us breakfast and you can go shower, how does that sound?” Alex asks after a moment of comfortable silence, tracing the line of Henry’s jaw with his thumb. Henry lifts his head a little until he can look Alex in the eyes and says, “Why don’t you join me?” Alex obviously can’t say no to that.

Lucky for them, the shower is big enough to accommodate the two of them. Alex quickly strips down the remnants of his clothes and pulls Henry with him under the hot water beam. It’s the first time he sees Henry completely naked and it’s doing _a lot_ of things to Alex though he’s a little too distracted by Henry’s grin.

Henry pulls Alex into a kiss by the neck and Alex shouldn’t like this but he really does, a quiet, surprised moan escaping his lips. Henry chuckles and laces his fingers into Alex’s wet curls and tugs a little.

“I have a question,” Alex says in between kisses. There is still this burning question in the back of his head that just won’t leave him alone. Henry’s tattoo, he _needs_ to know.

“Go ahead,” Henry replies, lips trailing down Alex’s jaw and neck, teeth scraping across his skin.

“Your tattoo. Can I see it?”

Henry pulls back, a puzzled look on his face. He looks like a god, wet blond hair framing his timelessly beautiful face, water drops rolling down over his sharp cheekbones and jaw. Alex trails them with his eyes before his head snaps back up to Henry’s face.

“You haven’t seen it yet? And I thought you were a fan of my videos,” Henry chuckles. Alex blushes. “I tried to look at it Henry but every time I try, I get distracted easily, ok?”

Henry shakes his head with a laugh and turns his arm and Alex takes a step forward until there is barely any space left between them. He places his hand on Henry’s biceps, thumb caressing the soft skin there. His eyes are still fixed on Henry’s, unable to tear his gaze away but then Henry raises a questioning eyebrow at him and Alex finally turns and pays attention to the tattoo.

He recalls how he felt when he spotted Henry’s tattoo for the first time. Henry had worn an old Bowie shirt that day and the ink peeked out from the sleeve and he almost groaned out loud. 

Alex never thought about tattoos as being something that he could feel attracted to or turned on by, but the mental image of Henry possibly having even more of them scattered across his body make his stomach flutter with pleasure. He wants to find them all, wants to kiss and lick and taste them.

It’s the head of a fox, surrounded by ferns and pinecones. The tattoo is beautifully done, the contrast between pitch-black ink and Henry’s golden skin is a sight Alex is convinced he won’t ever forget.

“Happy?” Henry teases. 

Alex swallows and nods, thumbing over the tattoo before his brain shuts down and he surges forward, kissing Henry and pushing him up against the wall. He might be smaller than Henry but he doesn’t let that stop him. He’s not sure why he’s suddenly so eager to take control. Whether it’s Henry’s teasing, the ink on his skin or the fact that he wants to make sure Henry never forgets him doesn’t matter because Henry has his arms crossed above his head and Alex fixes them down with his own.

Alex tugs Henry’s lips between his teeth, coaxing a moan out of him that makes Alex’s heart jump with excitement. He remembers bits and pieces from last night but the sounds that Henry makes are the exact same and Alex is sure he could never forget them even if he wanted to.

“Eager, are we?” Henry pants. 

And Alex can only chuckle and presses their hips together again. To his delight, Henry is just as hard as he is. “You’re one to talk, huh?” Alex teases and twists his hips a little until his cock locks into place against Henry’s. A spark shoots through Alex’s gut and he slowly lets go of Henry’s wrists, placing his hands on either side of him on the wall instead.

Henry dips his head down until he can reach Alex’s ear, placing light kisses there before he drags his lips further down over Alex’s jaw until he reaches his lips. The kiss is full of eagerness and longing and dread. The feelings make his heart ache and overflow with adoration.

Henry sneaks a hand between them, fingers curling around their joined cocks and Alex’s knees buckle and he helplessly clings to Henry. He places open-mouthed kisses along Henry’s neck and collarbone, tongue licking across clean skin.

It surprises Alex how good Henry is at this, how skillfully he turns and twists his wrist, thumb brushing over sensitive skin, teasing and teasing. He shudders, thinking about what other things Henry might be good at and he can’t wait to find out about them.

Alex can soon feel his orgasm roll over him, legs shaking and breath coming out ragged, lips pressed tightly against Henry’s. And Henry just holds him close and kisses him back, stroking him through the final waves of his orgasm.

“Don’t leave me,” he whispers. “Please, Henry. I don’t want you to go.” He’s not sure whether it’s the afterglow of his orgasm or his actual voice speaking but he says the same words over and over again. _Don’t leave me._ _I don’t want you to go. Please. Please. Please._

Henry presses their foreheads together. He has his eyes closed, shivering underneath Alex’s fingertips. “Alex,” he moans quietly as his orgasm continues to build up before he comes into the small space between them. 

Breathlessly he says, “Look at the moon and I will never be far. Please don’t miss me, love, I will always be with you. Do you promise me that, Alex?” His cheeks are glowing red, eyes a bright blue sky.

 _Love._ He calls me love, Alex thinks. “I… I don’t think I can,” he croaks. 

Henry smiles at him, cupping Alex’s face with his hand. “I beg to differ,” he replies softly. “Do you promise not to miss me, Alex? I don’t want you to cry if I’m not there to comfort you. It’s the only thing I will ever ask you for so can you do this for me?”

Alex swallows and then slowly nods underneath Henry’s loving gaze, tilting his head up to gently kiss Henry.

After their shower and a late breakfast, it’s time for Alex to take Henry to the airport. Alex has dreaded the point where they say goodbye for the past few days, but he dreads the moment the apartment door closes behind them even more. Because it means that Henry is leaving, truly leaving.

The ride to the airport is quiet, Alex’s nervous drumming on the wheel filling the silence between them. Henry reaches out to him and places his hand on his tight. His hand is warm, comforting.

The airport is filled with people—families, couples, businesspeople. But despite all the hustle around them, Alex only has eyes for Henry and Henry only has eyes for him. 

Henry carefully takes Alex’s hand, thumb brushing over its back. “So this is goodbye then,” Henry whispers and the soft sound of his voice makes Alex’s heart drop. Because yes, this is goodbye, but it is not forever, Alex knows that. Still, he doesn’t want it to happen either way. “It won’t be a goodbye if I don’t say it,” Alex replies, just as quietly. 

Henry huffs a laugh and brings up his hand to Alex’s face, brushing over his cheek with his smooth thumb. “I can’t believe you were hating me not so long ago,” he chuckles. Alex rolls his eyes, lips in a sad smile. “Yet here we are,” he mumbles, a single tear slowly rolling down his cheek. Henry brushes it away with his thumb and pulls Alex closer, wrapping his arms around him until there is no space left between them.

“I need to go,” Henry says after a minute has passed. A minute that they have spent looking at each other, hugging, quietly talking and whispering, smiling. Henry leans forward, his lips briefly brushing across Alex’s forehead. 

Alex never thought of himself as a romantic person and despised dramatic airport scenes in romantic movies, but now that he is here with Henry, just moments away from sending him off, he understands. It’s hard to watch someone leave that you have come to care about a lot.

“Call me when you get home, okay?” Alex pleads. The thought alone of not hearing Henry’s voice is scary enough to make him feel sick. Henry hasn’t even left yet but Alex is already missing it, missing the way he calls out Alex’s name, how he says words that are meant for Alex and only Alex.

Henry tugs a stray curl behind Alex’s ear the way he has done so many times. “Of course. I would dream of nothing else than to hear your voice again. Thank you, Alex. For everything.” And before Alex can even say anything, Henry is gone, lost in the crowd.

Alex goes back to his car slowly and sits in silence for a moment, holding back his tears as best as he can. He has promised Henry not to cry, not to miss him. Alex takes a deep breath, turns on the radio and starts driving. 

The apartment feels so empty, so lonely with Henry no longer being there. Alex doesn’t even bother to take off his shoes and directly enters Henry’s bedroom, quietly standing in the doorway and just looking. The bed is done, curtains pulled back to let in the afternoon sun, the books still neatly placed on the bedside table where Alex had put them before Henry got here.

He wonders for a moment if Henry has even looked at them but strangely enough, Alex doesn’t seem to care as much as he thought he would. He doesn’t need to impress Henry with his literature or with his knowledge. There is nothing he has to prove to Henry, not anymore. Henry is his equal, his _friend_.

Alex can’t stand the sight any longer and turns on his heels, returning to his own bedroom and throwing himself onto the neatly done bed, crumpling up the sheets. He’s just about to bury his face in his pillow when something catches his attention. On his nightstand, accompanied by a note, lays neatly-folded Henry’s cream-coloured sweater with the embroidered rainbow on the chest.

 _There is light in the darkness and colourful rows of hope in the rain._   
_Already missing you, my love. Can’t wait to kiss you again._  
 _xx Henry_

Alex stares at Henry’s handwriting, tracing the letters with his finger before he carefully picks up the sweater and brings it up close to his face. The fabric smells of peach and sea salt and pine. Alex no longer recognizes the smells one by one, they have long turned into one unshakable association—Henry. 

The sweater smells so much of Henry, Alex feels as if he’s right here with him, back with Alex in the apartment, in his bedroom. Henry would hold him close now, kiss his face and his hair, hold his hand. But he knows that it’s not true, that it is not happening, that Henry is gone.

With his eyes closed, Alex recalls their conversations, their touches, their kisses. Henry’s laughter rings in his ears. The time they have spent together suddenly feels too precious, so fragile yet so strong as if it could withstand everything yet break at the littlest touch.

Alex buries his face in the sweater and finally begins to cry, no longer holding back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to leave kudos and a comment 💜
> 
> Check out the [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3oO7WSe1zo7WUKv1gs0g9x?si=chTkQqstQKeEL7RhB7STkA) for this fic.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. I've been just really busy with moving and uni. This chapter is mostly them texting and calling each other until Alex and the others fly to London. Get ready for: all the feelz, sexting and phone sex galore.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

**July 31st**

**Henry** **  
**_online_

I’m back in England  
 _2:23 am_

Sorry I didn’t call but my phone is almost dead  
 _2:24 am_

Sweet dreams, my love  
 _2:26 am_

Alex wakes up to Henry’s messages the next morning with a massive headache. He barely remembers much that happened after he dropped Henry off at the airport. Alex recalls crying, a lot. Evidently still clutching Henry’s rainbow sweater to his chest tightly. 

He rolls onto his back, fingers hoving above the keyboard for a moment before he starts typing.

 **Henry** **  
**_last seen 2:34 am_

I miss your stupid face  
 _8:57 am_

Henry doesn’t reply.

—

**August 2nd**

Henry uploads a new video and Alex isn’t sure if he will be able to make it through without crying. 

_A gay visits the gayest city in the US (LA travel vlog)_

It’s his US vlog that Alex helped him with last week. There is footage Alex hasn’t even seen yet and footage he knows by heart and it all makes his heart clench painfully.

It begins with Henry packing his suitcase and talking about his trip, how excited he is to finally meet all of them in person. “I’m most excited to get to meet Alex. Don’t tell him but I’ve been a fan of his for a few years,” past Henry says with a laugh.

Then Henry is at the airport in London and then LA, looking exhausted but his smile is one of the biggest Alex has ever seen on him. It makes his heart fill with joy and endearment, the stinging pain of _I miss you_ temporarily only secondary.

It shows Henry in his bedroom in Alex’s apartment, in Nora and June’s studio, him walking down the busy streets during lunchtime, him sitting in the sun and eating lunch.

Henry and him by the beach, burying their feet in the sand, watching the surfers, talking for hours. They look happy, laughing and smiling, small hidden touches here and there that would seem friendly to anyone watching, but Alex knows that they are everything but friendly.

Alex remembers Henry’s subtle touches on the small of his back, their elbows bumping into each other, secret glances through sun-kissed curls.

Henry is laughing in almost all the clips and it makes Alex’s heart swell even more.

Alex watches the videos a second and then a third time, tears uncontrollably rolling down his face halfway through his second rewatch. The time he has spent with Henry suddenly feels so far away, but the day he will see him again is even farther into the future

 **AGCD** **  
**Miss me already, Fox?  
It was so fun to meet you and hang out with you. Can’t wait to see you in London next month, buddy

That sounds normal and believable enough, right?

—

**August 3rd**

**Henry** **  
**_online_

Did you really call me “buddy”?  
 _1:03 pm_

What?  
 _1:03 pm_

You commented on my video, Alex  
You called me “buddy”  
 _1:04 pm_

And?  
You’re my buddy, right?  
 _1:05 pm_

Are you trying to tell me that I’m wrong?  
 _1:07 pm_

Buddies usually don’t give each other handjobs  
But go on  
 _1:08 pm_

Alex knows that. He knows that Henry isn’t just his friend, not only his buddy. And he wants them to be more, wants to know what he and Henry have but he’s too afraid to ask. 

With a sigh, he tosses his phone to the side and goes back to work. He has a video to upload in a few hours, after all.

—

**August 7th**

**Henry** **  
**_online_

I accidentally came out to my mum during lunch  
 _2:29 pm_

Oh  
 _3:56 pm_

Sorry for the late reply  
Was out with my sister  
 _3:57 pm_

Np  
Time zones are so weird  
What time is it for you?  
 _4:00 pm_

12 am  
4:00 pm

Can I call you?  
 _4:01 pm_

I would love nothing more than to hear your stupid voice  
 _4:02 pm_

Fuck off  
 _4:03 pm_

Henry’s voice isn’t stupid at all but Henry doesn’t need to know what his accent does to Alex. 

Henry calls him almost immediately and Alex picks it up, heart racing. 

Since Henry left a few days ago, they’d barely found the time to talk properly. They were either busy with work or sleeping, but as they started to slowly settle back into their respective lives, they started to establish a routine that would work for them both. Though Alex still wishes that Henry would be here with him instead of an entire ocean away.

“Hi, love,” Henry says and Alex melts, barely holding back the soft sound that’s lingering in the back of his throat at the sound of Henry’s voice.

“Hi,” Alex breaths. He lays on his sofa, sprawled out like a starfish with his eyes closed. Maybe, he thinks, maybe it will feel like Henry is right here with him that way. It doesn’t.

“So… you came out to your mum, huh?”

Alex chuckles, “I suppose I did. It wasn’t exactly planned and not executed well, but I think she picked up on what I was trying to say.”

“Meaning?”

“Well, she started asking about how your stay was here, the docu-series and how we got along and stuff. And I think I just started to panic a little and mentioned that we sort of have a _thing_ and I know I probably shouldn’t have said that and I should have talked to you about this first because I’m not even sure what it is that we have. Pretty sure she connected the dots though. Then I just blurted out that I’m bi and _—_ ”

“Alex,” Henry gently calls out. “Slow down, love. It’s okay.”

And Alex does. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He hasn’t even realized how panicked he’s getting, with his throat closing up and tongue getting heavier, his heart pounding relentlessly against his ribcage.

“It’s okay,” Henry repeats, his voice soft and soothing to Alex’s ragged mind. “I’m not mad at you, Alex. You know that right? I’m the farthest thing from mad, I’m proud. So so proud. You have come so far since I have met you.”

Alex feels like crying but he manages to hold back his tears. His heart feels so warm, so fuzzy. “Thank you,” he chokes out.

“Hey,” Henry calls out softly. “Don’t cry, love. You are too pretty to cry, you know that, right?”

“I’m not crying,” Alex mumbles with a soft chuckle.

Henry laughs. 

— 

**August 9th**

**Henry** **  
**_online_

Are you busy later?  
 _4:21 pm_

No  
Why?  
 _4:22 pm_

I want to hear your voice _  
__4:25 pm_

Alex, I miss you so fucking much  
 _4:26 pm_

Henry? Using profanities?  
You truly must feel awful  
 _4:27 pm_

Fuck off  
 _4:27 pm_

Never  
 _4:28 pm_

Alex calls Henry after he took his shower and had a quick snack. The day has been exhausting for him and he is more than ready to kick back, relax in bed, and talk to Henry. 

He wears Henry’s sweater and, if he closes his eyes, it still smells faintly like him. It amazes Alex time and time again how much value a simple item of clothing can have. It’s a little piece of Henry that will always be by his side.

“Love,” Henry greets him and the sound of his voice makes his heart all warm and fuzzy.

“Henry,” he whispers and snuggles deeper into his pillows and comforter. “How are you?” he asks.

“I’m good,” Henry replies with a yawn and Alex can imagine how he looks in his bed, cuddled up with his dog. He wants to be there so badly but he bites back the words before they cross his lips.

“Good,” Alex mumbles. “It’s good that you’re good, I mean.”

“I wish you were here with me right now,” Henry says, taking Alex by complete surprise.

“Oh,” Alex says. “I wish I was there with you, too, or for you to be here with me. I… can I ask you something?”

Henry is quiet for a second. “Sure, whatever you want, love.”

“What is this? Between us, I mean. Like we kissed and held hands and jerked each other off but we never talked about what we have. And the thing is, I miss you so much every single day and I just want to hold your hand and fall asleep with your head on my chest and I want to run my fingers through your hair.” 

Alex takes a deep, shaky breath. 

“That was a lot, I’m sorry. I just have so many words in my head whenever I think of you and I try so hard to bottle them up and bite them back but I just wanted you to know...” He nervously chews on his lower lip, anxiously awaiting Henry’s answer.

“Oh, Alex. Please don’t be sorry about anything ever. I… I wanted to talk to you about this before I left but never got the chance to. I like you. In fact, I like you _a lot_.”

“Henry,” Alex whispers, afraid that speaking too loud would suddenly change everything. He fears this might be a dream after all, even though he feels like yelling from the tip of his lunges, he tries to keep his voice quiet. “Would you like to be my boyfriend? Officially, I mean?”

Henry chuckles softly. “I would love nothing more than to be your boyfriend. Officially and all.”

“Boyfriends,” Alex whispers.

“Boyfriends,” Henry agrees with a laugh.

Alex talks to Henry until Henry falls asleep on the phone and Alex just listens to Henry’s soft and relaxed breathing before he hangs up and fixes himself dinner and shoots June a quick message.

 **Junebug** **  
**_online_

I have a boyfriend now  
 _7:13 pm_

What about Henry?  
I’m joking  
 _7:14 pm_

I’m happy for you, A!  
 _7:15 pm_

Thank you, June, for everything  
I don’t think I would be here without you  
 _7:18 pm_

This was always a part of you  
You just needed a little push in the right direction  
But I’m honoured  
 _7:19 pm_

How are you dealing with the distance?  
 _7:21 pm_

Not great  
I miss him, like a lot  
 _7:22 pm_

That sucks, I’m sorry  
At least you have something to look forward to this month  
 _7:24 pm_

Later that night, Alex lays on his sofa and stares up at the ceiling, not able to fully comprehend that he now has a boyfriend. He and Henry are _actually a thing._ It feels a little strange but not in a bad way. More in _an I’m so excited that I might throw up_ and _I definitely won’t be able to sleep tonight_ way.

To distract himself, Alex goes live on Instagram for a while.

 **anyadraws23:** hi from mexico!  
 **shoes67:** can you give me a shoutout?  
 **beanz:** When will you stream Among Us? **  
****Brezelchen:** Hi from Germany!  
 **tilla_b:** Do you know if Henry is single?  
 **queerb00ks:** That sweater looks familiar...  
 **bilord69:** are you and Henry dating?  
 **rockieeee:** hope you had a great day!  
 **alexstan1:** when will you be in london?  
 **agayarea:** Is Henry with you?  
 **henryfoxfangirl:** IS THAT HENRY’S SWEATER?!?!

Alex glances down at the small embroidered rainbow that sits above his heart. Oh shit.

 **Henry** **  
**_last seen 7:01 pm_

I fucked up  
 _11:30 pm_

I accidentally wore your sweater during my live stream  
 _11:32 pm_

I think people noticed but I’m not sure  
 _11:34 pm_

I’m freaking out!!  
What should I do?  
 _11:39 pm_

—

**August 10th**

**Henry** **  
**_online_

Don’t worry about the sweater, Alex  
People like to jump to conclusions either way  
 _4:47 am_

It’s all good  
 _4:49 am_

Good because I started to panic, like a lot  
 _9:01 am_

I started typing out a whole ass explanation in my notes app  
I’m not kidding  
 _9:03 am_

Why am I not surprised?  
 _9:05 am_

On a different note though: good morning, love  
 _9:11 am_

Hello, my beautiful boyfriend  
 _9:12 am_

I miss your stupid face  
 _10:37 am_

I miss you too  
 _12:49 pm_

—

**August 14th**

Alex has tried to jerk off the past couple of days but whenever he has a quiet moment after all his work is done or during his shower in the morning, his thoughts go off the rails and he’s suddenly thinking about what to have for dinner that day instead of thinking about _sexy_ stuff. 

He lays sprawled out in his bed with his laptop resting on the mattress beside him. Alex has been staring at the search bar for a good ten minutes before he closes his laptop with a sigh and fumbles for his phone.

 **Henry** **  
**_online_

How do people even decide what porn to watch?  
 _6:26 pm_

Excuse me?  
 _6:27 pm_

When you watch porn, what kind do you watch?  
 _6:28 pm_

I don’t watch porn, Alex  
 _6:30 pm_

I’m an English major, I read porn  
 _6:31 pm_

Alex stares at his phone for a second and thinks about Henry and porn. It’s something Alex has never considered before. He knows that watching or reading or listening to porn is very much normal, but he somehow never considered Henry as a porn person in any shape or form.

His cock stirs inside his sweatpants as images of Henry with his hand down his pants creep into his head.

 **Henry** **  
**_online_

Still there?  
 _6:35 pm_

Somehow thinking of you jerking off is doing a lot of things to me  
 _6:36 pm_

Do tell me, Alex  
 _6:37 pm_

Are you jerking off right now?  
 _6:38 pm_

Maybe  
 _6:40 pm_

Show me, love  
 _6:40 pm_

Alex’s heart hammers inside his chest as he thumbs the messenger away and opens Snapchat. 

He managed to convince Henry to download it so they could freely exchange horny pictures without having to fear someone could leak them. So far they haven’t really used it except for a few blurry post-shower mirror pics, but Alex plans on changing that today.

He snaps a pic of his lower torso, his cock outlined against the soft fabric of his grey sweatpants and sends it to Henry.

 **Henry** **  
**_online_

Someone’s excited  
 _6:41 pm_

Don’t make me regret this  
 _6:42 pm_

I wouldn’t dream of it  
 _6:42 pm_

He gets a picture back from Henry. It shows him kneeling in front of a mirror with his legs spread apart in a mostly dark room. The only light source is a small lamp to his left. Henry is shirtless, wearing satin pyjama bottoms in a soft lavender colour. 

Alex can roughly make out the outline of Henry’s cock and judging by the pic, he has to be as hard as Alex is. 

Alex teases his left hand under the waistband of his sweatpants and boxers, fingers brushing across his hot shaft.

 **Henry** **  
**_online_

If I were there with you right now, what would you do?  
 _6:47 pm_

I would kiss you senseless  
 _6:48 pm_

Would go on my knees for you and suck you off  
 _6:49 pm_

Do you even know how desperately I want to taste you, Alex?  
I bet your cum tastes divine, just like the rest of you  
 _6:50 pm_

Alex bites his lip, holding back a strangled moan. Even though it’s just a text, he can hear the words inside his head in Henry’s voice, he can see his lips move and curl into a sly grin. The words fill up his head until there is nothing left but Henry. Henry. Henry. _Henry._ he’s surprised that he doesn’t come right away.

Alex closes his eyes for a brief moment, imagining what it would be like to have Henry on his knees for him, to have his velvety lips wrapped around his cock, his warm and wet tongue pressed tightly against Alex’s shaft.

He pushes his sweatpants and boxers down to his knees, freeing his cock from his clothed prison and snaps another picture before he can even think about it.

Henry’s answer comes almost immediately. The picture shows him in bed now, pyjama bottoms pushed down lightly with the tip of his cock peeking out from the waistband.

 **Henry** **  
**_online_

Call me  
Right now  
 _6:53 pm_

I need to hear your voice  
 _6:54 pm_

Henry ordering him around makes Alex’s stomach flip with a skyrocketing intensity and he almost drops his phone as he tries to call Henry as quickly as he can.

The first thing he hears is Henry chuckling.

“I should have made you beg for it,” Alex groans, realising too late what he just said and flushes red. “N-Not what I meant, good god. I’m so sorry!”

Henry laughs, the sound raw and deep in his throat and Alex almost faints. “If you apologise for being a horny little shit ever again, I will tie you up and make you beg until your voice is hoarse and my name is the only word you will be able to remember. Do you understand?”

Alex shudders, his cock twitching excitedly. “I-”

“I said, do you understand?” Henry’s voice is stern yet soft like sticky sweet caramel. It clings to Alex’s thoughts, pulsing behind his eyes until the only thing he can see are stars.

He imagines Henry laying in bed and fisting his cock with his brows furrowed, sweat trailing down his temple, lower lip quivering as he speaks.

“Yes,” Alex breaths out. He feels paralyzed, lust uncomfortably pulsing between his thighs. He would give everything to have Henry here with him, to have Henry jerk or suck him off. _Anything._

“Good.”

Alex moans. “Please,” he whispers. “Please, Henry. I need you to talk to me.”

Henry chuckles again. “What do you want me to say, love? Do you want me to tell you how I would kneel and suck you off? Or do you want me to jerk you off slowly until you completely melt under my touch?”

Alex squeezes his eyes shut, trying to follow up Henry’s words with colourful images behind his eyelids. He can almost feel Henry’s breath on his skin, Henry’s lips and tongue, his hands trailing up and down Alex’s body.

“Or do you want to suck me off? Have your hands trail all over my body and over my tattoos? Do you know that I have many more, Alex? I have them hidden all over my body and I can’t wait for you to find them all.”

The image of Alex’s dark hands exploring Henry’s body is all it takes for Alex to come with a quiet moan, splattering cum all across his chest.

He can hear Henry’s breath going faster and faster until he calls out Alex’s name and Alex gently coos Henry through his orgasm by calling him sweetheart.

“That was… different,” Alex whispers after a while, heart still beating loudly in his chest.

Henry hums. “I wish I could see you right now. I bet you look even prettier all fucked out.”

Alex quickly takes a selfie and sends it to Henry before he wishes him a good night and goes to take a shower.

—

**August 16th**

June sends him a link to a video titled _Are They Dating?_ with Henry and him in the thumbnail. 

Alex usually doesn’t mind watching fan videos, but he has always felt uncomfortable when people made videos about his dating life. Whether he actually dated that person or not. If he wanted people to know about who he was seeing at which point in his life, he would simply tell them.

Plus, his relationship with Henry is still fresh and Alex doesn’t want to rush it any more than it already is. He’s incredibly grateful for how their relationship has advanced since they first met, but he’s still a little scared and insecure. After all, this is his first relationship with a man.

Alex recalls Henry telling him that people will jump to conclusions either way and then takes a deep breath, putting his phone down and going back to work. His schedule is too packed to deal with that right now.

—

**August 19th**

**Henry** **  
**_online_

I’m watching your BDSM video  
Again  
 _12:09 pm_

It’s turning into a little bit of a problem  
 _12:10 pm_

What do you mean?  
it’s one of the best videos I uploaded on my channel  
 _12:31 pm_

But if you’re so desperate to hear me say all that stuff, you could just ask me, you know?  
 _12:32 pm_

Save it for when I’m with you  
 _12:34 pm_

Bossy  
 _12:35 pm_

I like it  
 _12:37 pm_

You do?  
 _12:40 pm_

Kinda  
 _12:42 pm_

Oh  
 _12:47 pm_

Alex almost caves in and takes the test himself but changes his mind the very last second and decides to focus on filming his new video. One day, he thinks.

—

**August 20th**

After his workout, Alex decides to send Henry a quick pic from the gym before he gets in his car and drives home. To his surprise, Henry almost immediately calls him. Alex quickly gets into his car and accepts the call, buckling his seatbelt in. 

“You little shit,” Henry says.

Alex starts the engine with a chuckle and places his phone in the cupholder and backs out of the parking lot. “What’s wrong? Didn’t like the pic I sent you?”

“You know exactly what you did,” Henry groans, the sound going straight to Alex’s cock. Then, after a short pause he continues, “Talk to me, _please_.”

Alex clears his throat, hot shivers running up and down his spine. He has gotten quite used to him and Henry sexting, even calling each other, but he’s in public right now. Well, he is in his car, but it’s still far away from the privacy of his own home.

Henry moans and Alex can only imagine how beautiful he must look right now with his hair all tousled, brows furrowed, lips curled into a pleasured smile.

“Are you… jerking off?” he asks, fingers nervously drumming on the steering wheel.

“I’m using a toy,” Henry answers, followed by a loud moan that makes Alex blush uncontrollably. 

Alex swallows, runs a hand through his sweaty curls and then says, “What kind of toy, _baby_?”

The sound Henry makes when Alex calls him baby has to be the most beautiful one Alex has ever heard. It’s almost animalistic but also incredibly soft, erupting from deep within Henry’s chest.

“Baby,” Alex repeats, purring.

He can hear the slick sound of lube across skin mixed with Henry’s moaning and breathing.

“You haven’t answered my question yet,” Alex reminds him, tearing his eyes away from his phone and fixing them on the street. He is almost back home, just two more turns.

“W-What question?” Henry is breathing hard and Alex can only imagine how Henry’s lying hunched over with his ass high up in the air, prying himself open with a toy.

“What kind of toy are you using? You can show me later but I want to hear you describe it first. Do you understand me?” He pulls up to his street and quickly gets out of the car, storming up this apartment, taking two steps at a time.

Henry hasn’t said anything yet, just breathing heavily into his ear.

Alex slams the door shut behind him and hastily kicks off his shoes before sprinting into his bedroom. He has been hard ever since he heard Henry moan for the first time. Alex puts Henry on speaker and strips out of his clothes, leaving only his boxers on before he lays down.

“Henry, sweetheart,” he says, gently pulling Henry back into reality with him. “Talk to me.”

“It’s… it’s a beautiful porcelain dil-... dildo,” Henry replies, breathing heavily. “It’s my favourite because it reminds me of your cock.”

“Oh,” Alex says. _Oh_ indeed because the thought of white porcelain against Henry’s softly tanned skin makes Alex’s head spin. He can see it clearly, the dildo moving in and out of Henry’s hole, slowly and teasingly. “Does it feel good?” Alex asks, rubbing his cock through his boxers.

“Yeah,” Henry hums with a soft chuckle.

“Good,” Alex whispers. “Now imagine it’s me, Henry. Imagine it’s me filling you up, fucking you until your legs give out. Tell me,” Alex wraps his fingers around his cock, “how do you like to get fucked, Henry?”

Alex is taken aback by his own boldness but the sound Henry makes in response is more than worth it.

“Soft at first,” Henry replies. “Then harder and harder. I want you to use me until you come, Alex. I… just thinking about your cock... “

“If I were there with you, what would you want me to do? Do you want me to fuck you? Or do you want me to watch you? Watch how you fuck yourself on that beautiful dildo?” Alex asks. thumb teasing the sensitive tip of his cock.

He has barely touched himself, but he’s very close to coming already.

“I want you to watch me, I want you to fuck me with the dildo while I suck you off,” Henry says, voice raspy. “I want to taste you Alex, want to taste you so fucking bad.”

Alex closes his eyes, the imagery of Henry sucking him off while fucking himself back onto the dildo play behind his eyelids. Alex imagines himself running his hands across Henry’s back, feeling the muscle and soft skin there, curling his fingers into his golden hair.

“Love, I-,” Henry calls out and Alex can tell that he’s coming by the way his voice hitches and the long moan that follows.

“Baby, you’re so good,” he purrs. “Look at you, being so good for me.” He quickens the pace of his own hand and comes shortly after Henry, cum splattered all across his chest and hand.

Alex rolls onto his side and retrieves a tissue from his nightstand and cleans himself up before he lifts his phone up to his ear and says, “So, uh, is that turning into a regular thing now?”

Henry chuckles. “I’m not opposed to it.” He sounds exhausted, wrecked but his voice is still beautiful.

Alex briefly closes his eyes and says, “Neither am I.”

—

**August 22nd**

**Henry** **  
**_online_

I’m brainstorming videos for September  
Would you like to film something with me?  
 _9:49 am_

Like?  
I would fucking love to, H  
 _10:03 am_

Great!  
Any ideas?  
 _10:04 am_

Does Henry know how he’s talking to? Alex is full of ideas and quickly scribbles down a list before he snaps a picture and sends it Henry’s way.

Alex’s fantastic video ideas _  
__○ baking our way through the challenges of GBBO (be prepared for me setting your kitchen on fire, whoops)_ _  
__○ you let me style you and vice versa (I already hate this idea)_ _  
__○ guessing Texan and British slang_ _  
__○ taste testing American candy (is that even something people still do?)_ _  
__○ I learn a British accent_ _  
__○ another Q &A (kinda lame ngl) _ _  
__○ recreating Jude Law movie scenes (because you’re both hot)_ _  
__○ not my hands baking challenge_ _  
__○ guessing the names of popular British people I should probably know the names of but don’t_ _  
__○ how well do we know each other’s videos (like trivia but with quotes and stuff)_ _  
__○ giving truly bad advice_

—

**August 25th**

**Henry** **  
**_online_

I want to film a coming out video  
 _12:08 pm_

Are you sure?  
 _12:10 pm_

Yes  
 _12:11 pm_

It’s something Alex has thought about a lot the past days and weeks. He doesn’t feel obligated to come out to the entire internet, but he wants to. Not because he wants to prove himself or put an end to the countless theories people seem to have about his sexuality. He wants to do this for himself and for all the other bisexuals out there who feel like they aren’t good enough or feel overlooked.

He wants to be a role model, now more than ever.

 **Henry** **  
**_online_

Will you help me?  
 _12:13 pm_

If it’s what you want, of course  
 _12:14 pm_

I would be honoured, really  
 _12:15 pm_

Thank you, H  
 _12:17 pm_

I miss you  
 _1:40 pm_

I miss you too, love  
 _1:42 pm_

—

**August 26th**

**Henry** **  
**_online_

Did you know that there is travel-sized lube? How fun  
 _4:39 pm_

Not that I’m hinting at anything  
 _4:40 pm_

Not that we have to do stuff, you know?  
 _4:41 pm_

Alex, love  
 _4:45 pm_

Yeah?  
 _4:46 pm_

I’m trying to sleep  
 _4:48 pm_

Whoops, sorry  
Sweet dreams, H  
 _4:50 pm_

—

**August 27th**

**Henry** **  
**_online_

Do you want me to get you something?  
Any candy you might want?  
 _9:56 am_

Not really  
 _9:57 am_

All I want is you here with me  
 _9:58 am_

Gross  
 _10:01 am_

Fuck off  
 _10:03 am_

—

**August 29th**

**Henry** **  
**_online_

Do you want to sleep with me in my bed or should I prep the guest room?  
 _8:19 am_

Is that even a question?  
 _8:20 am_

Your bed of course  
Unless you don’t want me in your bed  
 _8:23 am_

Is there any reason I shouldn’t want to?  
 _8:35 am_

I’m a blanket thief  
 _8:35 am_

I think I’ll manage  
 _8:36 am_

—

**September 1st**

It’s the night before they plan to head off to London and Alex has been lying in bed since 8 pm. He has to get up early tomorrow but even after hours of staring up at his ceiling, Alex doesn’t feel tired. Not even the tiniest bit.

Excitement buzzes underneath his skin, sending his entire body vibrating and heart racing. He thinks about what it might be like, living with Henry in London, meeting Henry’s friends.

Though seeing Henry again is something Alex has been looking forward to the entire time, there is a certain anxiety gnawing in the back of his head. He has never been outside of the US for as long as he will be staying in London. Of course, he has his sister and Nora with him, but they won’t stay with Henry.

Alex has done everything to prepare himself properly. He has pre-filmed videos and sponsored content for his Instagram, has bought new outfits and even got a haircut. He is as ready as one could be to leave the country for two weeks, but he feels criminally unprepared at the same time.

With a sigh, he throws back his blanket, leaves his room and walks into the kitchen to fetch himself a glass of water. The past month without Henry has felt incredibly long, a lot longer than any month should ever feel.

He’s excited, his skin vibrating with anticipation of finally seeing Henry again, kissing and touching him whenever and wherever he wants. The worst thing about them being an ocean apart isn’t necessarily that they don’t get to talk as much as they would otherwise. What Alex truly misses are the small touches that they would exchange over the course of the day.

Fingers brushing as they walk past each other, legs bumping when they sit down, feet touching under the table, Henry’s hand on the small of Alex’s back, Alex hugging Henry from behind while Henry makes them breakfast, Henry’s arm around his shoulder as they watch tv together.

Alex rubs a hand across his face with an exhausted sigh and returns to his bed, curling up under the covers and clutching Henry’s sweater to his chest until he finally falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to leave kudos and a comment 💜
> 
> Check out the [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3oO7WSe1zo7WUKv1gs0g9x?si=chTkQqstQKeEL7RhB7STkA) for this fic.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was a little MIA lately but here's a new update and I hope you enjoy it!

Alex’s alarm goes off a few hours after he finally managed to fall asleep. With a groan, Alex rolls around and gets up. His head is still heavy with sleep as he gets into the shower and then makes himself a cup of coffee and a piece of toast. 

It’s barely 5:30 am when Alex meets June and Nora in their car downstairs and they head to the airport. 

“I’m so glad that Pez lets us stay at his place,” June says and turns to look at Alex in the backseat. “Imagine having to live with our two love birds.” She pulls a disgusted face and then grins at him.

Alex just rolls his eyes. “Because you two are so much better,” he mumbles, way too tired to come up with an actually good comeback.

June and Nora just laugh.

Before he gets on the plane, Alex shoots Henry a quick message followed by a picture of him, June and Nora. They are all smiling, a little tired but overall happy.

 **Henry** **  
**_online_

I’m about to board the plane now  
Can’t wait to see you again  
You better come and pick me up at the airport  
 _7:12 am_

What if I don’t?  
 _7:12 am_

I will hunt you down and suck you off until you die  
 _7:13 am_

Sounds like an honourable death to me  
 _7:13 am_

Fuck you  
 _7:13 am_

Only if you watch me  
 _7:13 am_

Is that a promise?  
 _7:14 am_

Maybe  
 _7:14 am_

Alex quickly shoves his phone back into his pocket before June or Nora question why he’s suddenly turning a dark crimson shade and follows them onto the plane. As soon as they are up in the air, Alex puts on his headphones and falls asleep.

He falls in and out of sleep for several hours and spends the rest of his time reading, working or playing cards with Nora even though he loses every single time.

They arrive in London at 10 pm and Alex has never felt as giddy as he does right now. His skin is basically vibrating with excitement and he nervously chews on his lip as they exit the plane and wait for their luggage. 

June forces him to take a selfie with her for their parents and her Instagram story, but Alex can only think of Henry. Even though they have kept in touch pretty well, Alex is very much looking forward to uninterrupted quality time. Just the two of them. And David.

With their luggage in hand, they make their way to the exit. Alex spots Henry almost immediately and has to use all of his restraint to not drop his luggage and sprint through the crowd and right into Henry’s arms. Because that’s what he wants to do more than anything else. 

Henry meets them half-way and greets Nora and June with quick hugs before he awkwardly pats Alex’s back, shooting him a quick glance that means _sorry_. Alex can feel his stomach drop but he keeps it together and smiles. 

He understands that even though they are officially dating, they haven’t officially announced their relationship to anyone but their closest circle. Alex doesn’t mind other people seeing him and Henry together, but he also respects Henry’s wish to keep their relationship to themselves while they continue to figure out this whole long-distance deal.

As they walk out of the airport, their hands brush shortly and it’s enough to send fireworks off inside of Alex’s chest. Henry leans closer and whispers, “Later, okay?” Alex swallows and nods. _Later_. He will make sure that Henry keeps his promise.

They drop Nora and June off at Pez’s place where they will stay while he is away in Japan before Henry takes Alex home with him. 

To Alex, it still feels a little unreal. He is not only in London, far away from home, but he’s also with Henry, his hot British boyfriend, and he’s taking him to his apartment for the first time.

The car ride is quiet, the radio filling the silence between them. Alex reaches out and places his hand on Henry’s thigh, thumb brushing over the soft fabric of his pants. Henry gently cups Alex’s hand with his own and gives it a soft squeeze that makes Alex’s heart flutter.

Henry’s apartment is very much what Alex expected it to be. There are books and dog toys scattered everywhere, tall shelves stuffed with even more books and framed pictures line the walls and the air smells like freshly ground coffee. It’s very cosy and Alex feels right at home because it all just screams Henry.

“My place is nothing special but-” 

Before Henry even gets the chance to finish the sentence, Alex is slamming against Henry’s body with full force, wrapping his arms around Henry’s neck and pulling him into a tight hug. He buries his face in the crock of Henry’s neck and inhales the familiar scent. Sea salt, peach and pine. 

Henry chuckles and pulls Alex even closer until there is no space left between them, nuzzling his nose into Alex’s dense curls. “I missed you so much, love,” he whispers. The soft sound of his voice makes Alex’s knees go weak.

“Missed you more,” Alex mumbles and lifts his head, hands cupping Henry’s face. 

He is a little overwhelmed by it all and loses himself in Henry’s bright eyes for a moment before he pulls him down and into a kiss and their lips finally touch. It’s a sweet and slow kiss, both of them smiling and giggling, whispering each other’s names. Henry calls Alex love, and Alex calls Henry sweetheart and baby.

They are interrupted by David, jumping up their legs and prancing around them, wagging his tail excitedly. Alex laughs and squads down, letting David sniff his hand before he scratches his head.

“Hey, David,” Alex says and proceeds to scratch David’s head and give him belly rubs while Henry carries his luggage away and returns to the living room with two glasses of red wine and a fucking charcuterie board. 

“It’s vegan cheese, don’t worry,” Henry quickly says with a sly grin before Alex can even process what just happened and sets down the board on the coffee table, before he walks over to where Alex is on the floor with David and hands him the wine glass. “I wanted to make something special for you.” Henry rubs the back of his neck with a nervous chuckle. “I hope you don’t mind. We can order pizza if you like, I just thought-”

“Jesus Christ, Henry. Stop thinking, okay? I honestly don’t know what I was expecting and trust me, I would have gladly eaten a sad dry piece of bread. What can I say? I’m a simple man.” He takes the glass from Henry and takes a sip. “You’re so fucking bogie, Henry, and I love it. It’s perfect.”

Henry just shakes his head with a soft laugh and sits down on the sofa. Alex gets up and slums down beside Henry, throwing his legs over his lap and cuddling close. Henry wraps his arm around Alex’s shoulder and places a kiss on his temple before dragging his lips down his cheek until they find Alex’s.

The taste of red wine on Henry’s lips and tongue is intoxicating, and Alex blindly places his glass down on the coffee table before he swings his left leg completely over Henry and sits on his lap, deepening the kiss.

Henry wraps his arms around Alex and pulls him closer, slotting him into place against his chest before his hands wander lower, lightly tracing the curve of his ass.

Alex shudders, hips involuntarily rutting forward. “Sorry,” he mumbles with a chuckle, latching his lips onto Henry’s jaw. “It’s just been a while.”

With a chuckle, Henry says, “Are those keys in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” He teases his fingertips under the hem of Alex’s sweater, drawing small circles onto the warm skin there.

Alex rolls his eyes with a groan but then a mischievous grin settles on his lips and he teases, “Care to find out?” He bites his lips to keep his grin from growing even bigger but it’s not helping much.

It feels so good to be so close to Henry again, to touch him and to kiss him. Alex isn’t sure if he’s already drunk on the few sips of wine he had or if it’s completely because of Henry. Currently, he’s blaming it on the latter.

There’s sudden darkness in Henry’s eyes and before Alex even gets the chance to think about it, Henry flips them around and crawls on top of him. The scene reminds Alex a lot of that night after the gay bar and it makes his cock twitch with interest.

He doesn’t remember much of what happened, he was a little too drunk and neither of them had cared to turn on the lights, so seeing Henry’s face hovering above him with his pupils blown wide is a whole new experience for Alex that takes his breath away completely.

Henry takes both of Alex’s hands into his own and places light kisses on his knuckles before he pins them down above Alex’s head with their fingers intertwined, his lips inches away from Alex’s face. “You have no idea,” Henry moves closer, “how fucking good you look like that.”

Alex swallows. “I do?” He can feel the heat radiating off of his cheeks but he doesn’t dare to look away, Henry’s eyes too alluring, too beautiful.

Henry hums and lowers his head until their lips meet briefly before he drags them over his cheek and to his ear. “Too bad that I have spent a horrific amount of time putting together this cheese board so this will have to wait.” He lets go of Alex’s wrists and sits back with a smirk.

Alex lays there for a moment, eyes wide as the tries to process what the fuck just happened. “I hate you,” he mumbles and sits up, downing his glass of wine and shooting Henry an angry glare.

Henry cuts himself a piece of cheese and stacks it with a slice of fig on a cracker and slowly chews on it, eyes fixed on Alex. “You don’t,” he says after he has swallowed and takes a sip from his glass, moving the liquid around his mouth for a moment before swallowing.

Alex, obviously disappointed, helps himself to some crackers and cheese and grapes. 

Henry pours him some more wine and wraps his arms around Alex and pulls him closer until he’s practically sitting on his lap again. “How is it that even when you’re pretending to be upset you’re still the most beautiful human I have ever seen?”

“I’m not pretending,” Alex scoffs, crossing his arms in front of his chest with a pout. “You make me come all this way and then I don’t even get to have reunion sex on your sofa. Very rude.”

Henry laughs and Alex watches, mesmerized, as his entire face lits up. The corner of his lips curl upward, freckled nose scrunched. Alex lifts his hand up and gently traces the freckles on his nose and cheek. They’ve already started to fade now that Henry has been back in gloomy London for a while.

“You’re not really angry at me, right?” Henry asks, voice soft and quiet.

Alex can’t help but smile, gently cupping Henry’s cheeks with his hand and shakes his head. “Of course not, sweetheart. Your cheese board deserves just as much attention as my raging hard-on.”

They both stare at each other for a second before bursting into laughter.

“Priorities, huh?” Henry says with a grin. Alex hums in agreement, nuzzling closer against Henry’s warm and steady body.

They continue eating and drinking wine and cuddling and making out lazily until they are both a little tipsy and very much tired. Alex presses open-mouthed kisses along Henry’s jaw and neck, while Henry curls his fingers into Alex’s hair and places light kisses all over his hair and all over as much of Alex’s face that he can reach.

Alex is blissfully happy, hands endlessly trailing and exploring Henry’s body. The desire he had earlier to just rip off his clothing and fuck with Henry right here is gone, replaced by the simple desire to be close to Henry and bathe in his presence as much as possible.

They don’t make it into the bedroom that night, both of them too worn out to even care about having to cuddle up on a sofa that’s even smaller than the one back at Alex’s place. Henry wraps his arms tightly around Alex and holds him close, nuzzling his nose into the nape of Alex’s neck as they both drift off to sleep.

It’s a mistake, obviously. 

When Alex wakes up the next morning, he is wedged between Henry and David, his neck and legs uncomfortably stiff. His mouth is incredibly dry and there is a light pulse behind his left eye.

With a groan, Alex sits up and rubs his eyes, taking in his unfamiliar surrounding. Last night’s evidence is scattered all over the coffee table _—_ the empty cheese board, a handful of empty and half-empty wine bottles.

David lifts his head and wags his tail, and Alex scratches him behind his ear for a while before he gets up and wanders around the apartment until he finds Henry’s bedroom with his luggage and decides to take a quick shower.

The water is warm on his skin and Alex closes his eyes for a moment, just letting the water run all over his body. He’s not thinking about anything in particular, his head still a little heavy with sleep and exhaustion, but his mind slowly clears as the minutes pass by.

He doesn’t even notice the bathroom door opening, but when he catches a glimpse of a shadowy figure in the corner of his eyes, Alex almost slips but suddenly there is a pair of strong arms wrapping around his body and holding him upright. Henry.

“Sorry I startled you,” Henry mumbles and nuzzles his nose into Alex’s wet curls. “You just left me on the sofa all by myself,” Henry continues and turns Alex around in his arms, pressing his forehead against Alex’s.

Alex has to admit that Henry looks absolutely adorable. His eyes are heavy with sleep and the smile on his lips is just as sleepy and a little goofy. Alex lifts his right hand up and laces it into Henry's hair and gently guides his head until their lips touch.

“It won’t happen again, I promise,” he whispers against Henry’s lips.

“Good,” Henry whispers back. “Because it will make me sad and then you would have to cheer me up again.”

Alex chuckles. “And how exactly would one go about cheering you up, sweetheart?”

“Oh, you want to play it like that?” There’s a sudden shift in the tone of Henry’s voice and it makes Alex’s stomach flip and knees wobble. Alex tugs his lower lip between his teeth and nods slowly. 

Henry places a last kiss on Alex’s lips before he takes a step back. “I give you five minutes.” And then he’s gone as quickly as he came.

Alex just stands there for a moment, dumbfounded, with his brain is trying to process what the fuck just happened. He can still feel Henry’s touch lingering on his skin as his brain slowly starts working again, and he finishes his shower as quickly as possible.

He is still drying his hair when he stumbles into the bedroom. Henry lays on the bed, propped up against the headboard. He wears boxer briefs and a simple cotton shirt, holding a book in his hand. He looks up at Alex with a smile. “You better close the door, love. I wouldn’t want poor David to walk in and witness what I’m about to do to you.”

“Oh,” Alex says and swallows, quickly closing the door behind himself. He stands awkwardly in the middle of the room, unsure what to do next.

Henry puts his book to the side and gets up, striding over to where Alex stands with big steps and gently taking Alex’s hand into his and pulling him close. Henry smiles at him, all pearly white teeth and bright blue eyes.

“Hi,” Henry says and gently brushes his nose against Alex’s.

“Hey,” Alex replies a little breathlessly. His heart is hammering so loudly inside his chest, Alex is convinced that Henry can hear it.

Henry lifts up his left hand and places it on Alex’s cheek, his thumb brushing over his cheekbone with a fond look in his eyes. “We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for, okay?” he says.

Alex nods and laces his fingers into Henry’s soft hair and pulls him down and into a kiss. It’s sweet and slow at first, but then Henry teasingly nibs at Alex’s lower lip and slips his tongue inside of Alex’s mouth seconds later.

Alex fears he might combust and breaks the kiss, lips swollen red and glistening with salvia. He takes in the sight before him for a second. Henry’s lips are kiss-swollen and slightly open, his hair is a mess and there is this lustful darkness in his eyes again. Before he can even process what’s happening, Alex crashes their lips together again and they stumble backwards until Henry’s calves hit the bed frame and they tumble down onto the soft mattress.

They both giggle and Henry rolls them around until he straddles Alex’s hips again and Alex doesn’t mind that sight at all. He lifts his hands and places them on Henry’s hips, pushing up the fabric of his shirt a little to feel the warm skin that waits for him underneath.

Henry shudders with his eyes closed and lets out a soft moan that makes Alex’s heart jump. 

“I want to kiss you,” Alex says, his voice barely more than a breath.

Henry chuckles and slowly lowers himself until his face is inches away from Alex’s. “I want to kiss you, too,” Henry mumbles, gently brushing away a stray curl from Alex’s forehead. “Want to kiss you a lot, actually.”

Alex hums and lifts his head up slightly until he can feel the soft press of Henry’s lips against his own. He lifts his hands from Henry’s hips and slowly moves them up his ribcage, pushing the fabric of his shirt further up until he can pull it off. 

Henry pulls away a little, holding himself up with his hands placed left and right from Alex’s head and Alex spots something that makes his head swim. Henry has another tattoo on the inside of his right arm. It’s a small butterfly so Alex isn’t surprised that he has missed it before.

He lifts his hand and gently traces the outlines, admiring the contrast of ink against skin. 

Henry smiles and dips his head down a little to nuzzle his nose into the crook of Alex’s neck. “I got it for my sister,” he says, his voice sends shivers running up and down Alex’s spine.

“It’s beautiful,” Alex mumbles.

Henry kisses his way up Alex’s neck, shortly nibbling on his earlobe before he whispers, “Want to find the rest of them?”

Alex nods and sits up a little, pushing Henry with him until Henry sits in his lap and has his arms wrapped around Alex’s shoulders. “How is it,” Alex kisses his way along Henry’s jaw, “that I both want to fuck you right here and now but also want to take my time with you?”

Henry chuckles. “You’re so eager, love.”

“I’m always eager when it’s you,” Alex whispers and locks their lips in another sweet and lazy kiss before he flips them around and trails his lips down Henry’s chin and neck. He hovers just above Henry’s pulse point, nibbling on the soft skin there, careful not to leave a mark before he continues his way further down.

Henry’s collar bones are beautiful, and Alex finds himself distracted by them for a good minute, kissing and licking them, gently tugging on the skin around them, trailing them with his fingers. He’s not sure why they fascinate him so much, they just do.

Henry is moaning quietly above him, lacing his fingers into Alex’s curls and Alex takes that as his cue to keep going.

His lips trail down Henry’s sternum, brushing his thumb experimentally across Henry’s nipple. Henry responds wonderfully to it so Alex does it again.

To his delight, Alex finds another tattoo on Henry’s ribcage _—_ a quote that reads _the very essence of romance is uncertainty —_ and another one just above his hip _—_ a small wave _—_ and then another on the inside of his left ankle, a goofy cartoon drawing of David. 

Alex gently kisses Henry’s ankle before he crawls back on top of him and slowly teases two fingers under the elastic waistband of Henry’s boxer briefs. He lifts his head a little and searches for Henry’s eye. “Can I?” he asks, licking his lips.

Henry’s chest is heaving up and down, a bright blush sitting high on his cheeks. “I thought you would never ask,” he croaks. Then he adds, “Please, Alex. Touch me.”

Alex swallows and dips his head down and places a series of open-mouthed kisses along the waistband and slowly starts to pull Henry’s boxers down. The skin there is incredibly hot and so fucking soft, almost velvety. 

Henry’s cock is hard and twitching with anticipation. 

Alex sits back on his heels for a moment and takes it all in before he carefully laces his fingers around Henry’s shaft and places a light kiss on his wet tip.

Henry shudders, fisting the sheets beneath him and somehow Alex gets distracted by Henry’s hands for a moment _—_ the way they bunch up the sheets, veins popping out, muscles tensed up.

Henry’s cock twitches again in Alex’s hand and redirects Alex’s attention back to the task at hand.

Alex has never sucked off a dude before, but he likes to think of himself as fairly good at oral sex, so he confidently dips his head down and slowly eases Henry’s cock into his mouth. Henry tastes clean, a little salty from the precum but not bad at all. Alex finds that he actually quite enjoys the taste.

Alex closes his eyes, supporting himself with his hands on Henry’s muscular thighs, and takes Henry almost completely into his mouth. He takes a short break before he slowly pulls back until it’s only the tip of Henry’s cock that’s resting on his tongue. 

He wraps his fingers around the base and gives the shaft an experimental squeeze, coaxing a strangled moan out of Henry. Interesting, Alex thinks and does it again.

His eyes flutter shut again and he focuses on slowly taking in Henry again, tongue pressed tightly against his shaft with his cheeks hollowed. 

Henry lifts his hands up and combs his fingers into Alex’s curls, not quite pushing him but rather guiding him up and down gently, setting a rhythm that works for them both.

He quickly finds out what Henry likes and it makes his heart swell whenever he is rewarded with a breathless moan, Henry quietly whispering his name, fingers tugging on his hair. And then there is all this verbal praise that Henry babbles _— good boy_ and _fuck_ and _yes, right there_ and _so good_ and _you’re doing so well_. 

“I think I'm coming… Alex, _love_ ,” Henry moans, tugging on Alex’s curls a little harder than before.

Alex quickens the pace of his movements, holding onto the base of Henry’s shaft tightly, the other one cradling his balls. His own cock is painfully hard and begging for attention, but Alex couldn’t care less because Henry is coming and he can taste him on his tongue, warm and salty and just… just _Henry_.

Alex swallows and pulls back, wiping any cum off of his lips that sneaked its way past with the back of his hand. He sits back for a moment, chest heaving up and down, and watches Henry who looks just as beautifully wrecked as Alex imagined he would.

His hair is tousled, strands of it sticking to his sweaty forehead and temples. There is a crimson blush creeping up from his chest over his neck and cheeks up to his ears. His eyes are half-closed, long lashes casting soft shadows into his cheekbones. A lazy smile curls the corners of his lip upward, and Alex can’t resist the urge to press a kiss there.

Henry lifts his hand and laces his fingers into Alex’s hair and kisses him, unapologetically teasing his tongue into Alex’s mouth to taste himself there.

A surprised moan slips past Alex’s lips and Henry hungrily swallows it up with a chuckle, lips spreading into an uncontrollable smile. Alex kisses it even harder.

Henry sneaks his hand between them and eases his hand into Alex’s boxers, gently brushing his fingertips across the soft skin there. “Want me to return the favour?” Henry whispers, deep and dark into Alex’s ear, his breath hot against Alex’s sensitive skin.

Alex’s eyes flutter shut and his hips involuntarily push forward, seeking the touch of Henry’s fingers. “Yeah,” he breaths, burying his face in the crook of Henry’s neck.

Henry hums and takes Alex’s cock fully into his hand, giving it long strokes that make Alex’s breath hitch and stars dance behind his lids. It doesn’t take much for him to come and when he does, he quietly calls out Henry’s name, the sound muffled by Henry’s lips and tongue.

They spend another hour in bed, lazily making out, talking quietly and chuckling before getting ready to leave the house. Henry takes Alex, June and Nora out for lunch and then sightseeing all across London. 

They wait over an hour in line for the London Eye but it’s all worth it when Henry pulls Alex close at the top and kisses him, both of them ignoring the fact that they are very much in public. Henry’s lips are warm and soft and he faintly tastes of coffee and the pizza he had for lunch. 

When Henry pulls back, he smiles shyly with his eyes a bright blue and Alex forgets that he is several feet up in the air, far away from home in a country he has never been to before. It makes Alex’s heart burst with happiness and he can’t help but go in for a second kiss.

If he ever wasn’t sure about him and Henry before, he sure as hell is now. No one has ever made Alex feel anything that could be remotely similar to what Henry makes him feel and that has to mean something, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Comments and kudos are as always very much appreciated 💜


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been a while but I'm back with another chapter before the craziness of uni and exam season takes over. This chapter is a whole ride so prepare yourself. 
> 
> Hang in there and stay safe, friends!
> 
> CW/TW: mentioned homophobia

Over the weekend, Alex is stuck in bed after insisting on trying fish and chips from a shady looking food stall downtown. Henry had told him not to but for Alex, there was no going back.

Luckily, he has both David and Henry to take care of him and on Monday, Alex joins his friends again as they walk around London to film for their docu-series.

If he is being honest, he’s not quite sure what their series is actually about. He knows that it focuses on the LGBTQ+ community and how things have changed over the years, but he has no clue what they will actually be talking about. 

Maybe he can contribute as well? Would people even be interested in him talking about himself and his sexuality? After all, neither his audience nor the media know that he's bisexual _and,_ on top of that, has a secret relationship with one of Britain’s most beloved gay men.

At least Alex likes to think that Henry is beloved by many, judging by his countless awards and shows he has been invited to.

Not that Alex is an expert on LGBTQ+ matters, but he knows from Nora that they tend to be overshadowed and shamed a lot. It’s weird to Alex how people within the community can shame others for their love.

He pushes that thought aside though when they arrive at their new filming location and helps Henry set up everything for some simple b-roll of people passing by, rainbow flags dancing in the wind, ducks on the nearby pond.

Henry hands him a tripod and when their hands quickly brush against each other, Alex thinks he might die. He has gotten used to being touched by Henry, he enjoys it a lot and never wants it to stop, but he just wants to lean over and kiss Henry on his stupid mouth and told his stupidly large hand _so badly._

Alex has to summon all his strength to simply take the tripod from Henry and take a step back, turning his back to his boyfriend and busying himself with setting up the tripod and attaching the camera.

It’s a sunny but windy day and while Nora and June are trying to find people for their interview, Henry and Alex huddle close together. Simply because they want to stay warm and definitely not because Alex can sneak his hand around Henry’s hip, hidden by his puffy jacket.

Alex can feel the warmth of Henry’s skin through the lavender cotton shirt he is wearing. The fabric is soft, little waves embroidered along the hem of the shirt and Alex lets his fingers wander over them for a moment before he quickly pulls back his hand as June and Nora rejoin them with a group of other people.

Later, they all grab lunch together and part ways, Nora and June are off to Madame Toussous while Henry and Alex plan to stroll around town for a little while longer.

On Tuesday, Henry surprises Alex with breakfast in bed and Alex almost cries because no one has ever brought him breakfast into bed and no one has ever called him _sunshine_ and _darling_ in one sentence and Alex can’t believe that all this is actually happening.

To top it all off, Henry jerks him off and kisses Alex into oblivion, his lips tasting addictively sweet like syrup and milk tea and orange juice, his tongue hot and heavy inside Alex’s mouth and it feels so good and so right.

How could Alex ever think that he was straight?

On Wednesday, Alex returns the favour and almost lights the kitchen on fire in the process. But it’s not his fault that Henry’s entire kitchen is just so British. And how is he supposed to know that black tea should only steep for a few minutes and not thirty?

“If you get food poisoning, I promise you it wasn’t on purpose,” Alex says shyly and sets the tray down on Henry’s lap.

Henry eyes the food suspiciously before he says with a laugh, “I have definitely eaten worse things.” 

Alex isn’t sure if that’s supposed to be a compliment, but he just smiles back and sits down beside Henry, slowly chewing on a piece of apple as he watches Henry take the first bite out of his grilled cheese.

“As I said,” Henry says after swallowing down the first bite, “not the worst thing I have ever eaten.”

“But close?” Alex asks and can’t help but laugh.

Henry doesn’t reply but laughs as well and completely discards his breakfast, pulling Alex close by the nape of his neck and kissing him senseless.

Before being with Henry, sex had always been about pleasuring his partner for Alex. Not that that’s a bad thing, but he used to be so focused on making the girl actually finish that it turned more into a job, a quest that had to be fulfilled. 

But with Henry, Alex has discovered so many things that he enjoys that he had never considered before. He doesn’t blame any of the girls he has been with before for any of this. After all, he was the one insisting on keeping things as they were, keeping things the way _she_ enjoyed.

For one, he likes his hair to be pulled. Alex isn’t quite sure why, but something about Henry’s long fingers lacing themselves into his curls and tugging just does it for him. It sends shivers down his spine and makes him see stars.

Secondly, he enjoys it _a lot_ when Henry praises and talks to him. When Henry calls him _good_ or _beautiful_ and says things like _you’re doing so well_ and _please keep going_ Alex wants to never stop doing whatever it is that makes Henry say these things.

Henry’s warm lips resting on his pulse point pull Alex back into reality and he suddenly finds himself underneath Henry, the tray with food discarded to the side, long forgotten by Henry who is staring down at him with his pupils blown wide.

He looks stunning, a little wild and even though they have only been kissing, Henry looks incredibly fucked. 

Alex lifts his hand and cups Henry’s cheek, feeling the warmth pulsating underneath his fingertips where blush sits on his boyfriend’s face.

Henry’s eyes flutter shut and he nuzzles his face into Alex’s palm and places a kiss on his wrist, taking in the faint smell of Alex’s perfume.

“I really, really,” Henry whispers, “would like you to blow me right now but I’m afraid we won’t have time for that.”

Alex chuckles, quickly glancing at the alarm clock on Henry’s bedside table. “Is that a challenge?”

They don’t end up leaving the house on time but it’s fine because June and Nora are not only late as well but look equally dishevelled with messy hair and bright red hickeys.

On Thursday, Alex finally gets to meet Bea when they all meet up at Henry’s place for game night and pizza. 

Between sips of cheap beer, rounds of cards, and charade, Alex finds himself pleasantly tipsy, wedged on the sofa between Bea and David.

“So you and Henry, huh,” Bea says and takes a sip of her beer, tapping the opening of the bottle against her bright red lip before facing Alex.

Alex fidgets a little, taking a swing from his own beer. After a moment, he lightly nods his head, eyes fixed on his feet. “Are you about to tell me that you will drag me through hell if I ever dare to hurt him?” Alex asks, lifting his head and shortly looking at Bea before his eyes search for Henry.

“I probably should do that but no,” she chuckles, “I’m sure Pez has a whole speech prepared and I don’t want to ruin it for him. No, I wanted to thank you, actually. Before Henry left for the US, he was going through a hard time. Our brother was being more of a bitch than usual and the anniversary of our father’s death was just a few weeks prior. But you, Alex, have helped him in more ways than you might realize.”

Alex can’t help but smile, his eyes still fixed on Henry where he sits across the room, drinking his beer.

“He still has his days where I can’t get to him, where he locks himself up inside his apartment but I’m glad he has you, Alex.” She bumps her knees against his. “You’re good for him.”

“Thank you,” Alex says, truly meaning it. 

He knows that Henry has had it rough so far and he also knows that being with Alex won’t cure Henry, but he’s happy that he can at least help him through it and be there for him when others might not be able to reach him.

On Friday, Alex wakes up with Henry’s mouth around his cock and it’s only up from there.

Not only do they have waffles for breakfast, but Henry also takes him out on a proper date and even buys him flowers.

Once they’re back at Henry’s apartment in the early afternoon, they set up Henry’s camera equipment and begin filming one of their planned collabs. 

_Guessing British Slang with Alex_

It takes them a good hour to even get the intro right because neither can keep their hands to themselves and Henry has to ban Alex from the room for a moment so he can get it done.

When he is let back into the room, Alex says, “Shunned for my love! By my love! Oh, what misery.” He dramatically clutches at his chest and swoons onto the sofa, falling against Henry.

Henry gently shoves him with a laugh and a roll of his eyes. “You’re such an idiot.”

“But I’m your idiot and that’s always a win in my book,” Alex murmurs into Henry’s ear.

“Oh, shut up,” Henry mumbles, blushing.

Seeing Henry being bashful is still something Alex has to get used to. After all, Henry was the one who left Alex all blushing and shy. He can’t believe that the tables could have actually turned.

Alex crawls closer until he can feel Henry’s warm body pressed against his side. He can’t believe what he’s about to say but the words are burning on his tongue and he simply can’t help it when he whispers, “Make me.”

The face Henry makes causes Alex’s insides to flip. There is a blush creeping higher and higher on his face and there is a gloss in his eyes that Alex has never seen before. 

Alex fidgets a little, unsure of whether or not he overstepped a line. He has never seen Henry blush like that before and if he’s being honest, it’s a little concerning.

“I… would like that but,” Henry clears his throat and swallows audibly, his Adam’s apple bobbing, “we have a video to film.” He vaguely gestures towards the camera.

Alex slumps back with a sigh, trying to will down his raging hard-on.

They miraculously finish filming within two hours and later that night, Henry does shut Alex up with his mouth and his hands. And Alex, once again, can’t believe how lucky he is when Henry, to top it all off, also ties him to his stupidly posh bedpost.

Alex isn’t quite sure where the hell Henry got a tie from so quickly but when Henry begins to suck hickeys into the soft and sensitive skin of his inner thighs, Alex stops thinking altogether.

And of course, Alex happily returns the favour, teasing and exploring Henry’s body with his lips and tongue and hands until Henry is all red and sweaty, calling out Alex’s name until his voice runs out and he does nothing more than croak out a broken _love_ when he comes.

During the weekend, they all stroll around London together, visiting all the touristy spots they missed out on the days before and June drags Alex through shop after shop in search of the perfect present for their parents.

She ends up buying a set of tiny royal family figurines for Ellen, a red Mini Cooper figurine for Leo, and a magnet with the London skyline for Oscar.

Pez joins them for brunch on Sunday and Alex can’t help but feel a little anxious about actually meeting Pez, _the_ Pez Okonjo. Sure, they played Among Us together once and he’s sure he has heard almost everything there is to know about Pez from Henry but he’s still nervous. 

Pez is dripping in Gucci, laughing loudly and gesturing excessively as he talks about Japan and New Zealand and Nigeria. He sits across from Alex, a ring-covered hand on June’s shoulder as they both exchange embarrassing stories of Henry and Alex, talking about LGBTQ+ rights and the docu-series.

Bea’s words ring in the back of Alex’s mind so he quickly downs his entire glass of champagne. Pez won’t kill me, he tells himself, he’s too nice for that. Right?

Henry looks at him weirdly from the side, eyebrow raised. He doesn’t say anything, but he places his hand on Alex’s thigh and gives it an assertive yet comforting squeeze.

When they all head out the door, Pez pulls Alex to the side. “I like you, Alex,” Pez begins but Alex won’t let him finish.

“And if I hurt Henry you will hunt me down and nail my balls to the tip of the Big Ben. Got it.” Alex can feel himself starting to sweat. Why is he sweating? He pulls his hand out of Pez’s loose grip and wipes them dry on his jeans.

Pez looks irritated for a moment before he starts to laugh. It almost sounds like a bark. “You’re funny,” he says and shakes his head. “You’re not wrong though, but I just wanted to say thank you. Henry is a great guy, the best even, but he too needs a little push sometimes. You’re good for him.” 

Pez lifts his hand and pokes his index finger into Alex’s chest. “Don’t fuck it up,” he finishes and leans forward, placing a feathery kiss on Alex’s cheek before he steps away and is out of the door within the blink of an eye.

On Monday, Alex sleeps in while Henry goes grocery shoppings and awakes to the smell of scrambled eggs and toast.

“Good morning, sleeping beauty,” Henry greets him when Alex steps into the kitchen, still wearing his boxers and one of Henry’s shirts that’s surprisingly big on Alex.

“Hey,” Alex mumbles and taps over to where Henry stands behind the stove and laces his arms around his hip. On the tip of his toes, Alex manages to press a kiss just behind Henry’s ear.

Henry hums and turns off the stove, dividing the scrambled eggs evenly between two plates before he turns around and pulls Alex close, softly kissing him, and Alex suddenly doesn’t care that he’s hungry because all he wants is Henry.

It’s a sensation he has had for the past few days now whenever he and Henry go beyond just kissing. He wants to curl up in bed with Henry, wants to feel him in places he has never felt him before. 

Henry pulls back lightly and he’s about to open his mouth but Alex interrupts him, “I swear to god or whatever but if you cockblock me one more time, I will actually die.”

Henry chuckles, his breath hot on Alex’s skin. “I definitely can’t let that happen now can I?” he whispers, hands cupping Alex’s cheeks.

Alex can feel his heartbeat quicken, skin crawling with heat as he impatiently waits for Henry to kiss him, waits for Henry to do literally anything to him.

Alex suddenly finds himself joisted up by Henry and quickly wraps his legs and arms around Henry, clinging on tightly.

Henry’s arms are strong around him, holding Alex tight as he carries him over to the sofa, completely discarding their breakfast on the kitchen counter.

Henry carefully drops him onto the sofa and quickly follows him down, crawling on top of Alex and Alex begins to see stars. Henry’s lips are curled into a sideways grin, eyes sparkling with desire and his shirt barely exposing his delicate collar bones.

Alex almost chokes on his own spit when Henry’s tongue darts out and he quickly wets his lips.

Will he ever get used to the sight of Henry hovering above him? Probably not.

Henry dips his head down and begins to place feathery kisses down Alex’s jaw and throat, sneaking one hand underneath Alex’s shirt while bracing himself beside Alex’s head with the other.

His fingers are warm against Alex’s soft skin, fingers exploring his torso and hip, slowly creeping higher and higher until Alex is quivering. The shirt quickly comes off and Alex can muster up just enough strength to pull off Henry’s shirt as well.

Henry lowers his body until he is pressed against Alex completely, joined from their chest down to their calves. They are both achingly hard, their cocks touching through an offensive amount of fabric.

The doorbell startles both of them and while Alex silently begs for Henry to not answer the door, Henry peels himself off of Alex and picks up their shirts from the floor, tossing Alex his while putting on his own and going to open the door.

“A package,” Henry says and tosses the little brown box to Alex who fumbles to catch it, just barely preventing it from plopping onto the hardwood floor.

“What is it?” Alex asks and shakes the package a little as if that’s going to tell him anything about its content.

“For our video on Thursday,” Henry replies, which doesn’t tell Alex anything. He vanishes into the kitchen and shortly returns with their food.

“Am I… missing something?” Alex asks with a confused frown, still not getting what Henry is putting down. Did he forget something?

Henry sits down next to him with a sigh and takes the box from him, quickly cutting open the tape that holds it together. 

Alex watches as Henry opens the package up and pulls out a very short pair of pants and a sparkly rainbow shirt. Alex isn’t sure if he likes or hates it. 

“That’s… uh. What is it for?”

“Our _couples try striptease_ video?” Henry says and lays the clothes out on the coffee table.

“Ooh, right,” Alex says, slowly and dragging out the words. He faintly remembers agreeing to Nora’s and Pez’s video idea when he was just a little too tipsy.

Henry hums and begins to load scrambled eggs onto his cream cheese covered toast.

“Shouldn’t we, you know,” Alex gestures vaguely between them, “announce that we are a couple first? I don’t know about you but trying to convince the entire world that we aren’t dating after a video where I grind my ass against your cock doesn’t sound like a good plan.” 

Henry freezes for a moment before he brings the toast up to his mouth and takes a bite, chewing on it painfully slowly before swallowing. 

“You know that pre-recorded videos exist, right?”

Alex swallows. Of course, he does, he’s not stupid. 

“I just thought that,” he stops mid-sentence for a moment, “nevermind. You’re right.” There’s a tight knot forming in his throat that won’t go away, no matter how hard Alex tries to will it away.

Alex knows that they have agreed to keep their relationship secret for a little longer but he aches to hold Henry’s hand in public without fearing some over-the-top YouTuber scandal. He can already see the bright red headlines, speculations tossed into the air, videos and even more videos picking apart every little thing either of them has ever said.

“I guess,” Henry mumbles, taking another bite from his toast. Then, after a moment he adds, “I just want to make sure that _you_ are comfortable with it, with me, with coming out.”

The knot inside Alex’s throat grows even tighter. 

“What the fuck, Henry,” he says, a little louder than he means to. “Did I ever give you the impression of not being happy? Of not wanting any of this? I have never wanted anything more than to be with you, to hold your hands on the subway, and put my head on your shoulder when we sit in the park.” 

Alex feels the heat in his gut growing hotter until he can barely contain himself, tears pricking at the corner of his eyes. 

“I would risk everything for you, for us. You’re… you’re more than I could ever ask for so please Henry,” his voice cracks, “don’t think that I’m not sure of us. I would raise heaven and hell for you. Heck, I would challenge the Queen of England to a fist-fight if that is what it needs for you to understand just how much you mean to me.”

Alex is out of breath at the end of it, his cheeks burning as hot tears slowly roll down, collecting at his chin from where they drop down onto his shirt, Henry’s shirt.

“Alex, I-” Henry begins but Alex shakes his head.

“Don’t,” he says, voice cracking. “I respect your wish to keep our relationship away from the public as long as you want to, Henry. Just know that I’m ready and I will wait for you as long as it takes.” 

He’s quiet for a moment before saying, “Just don’t question me like that. Please, Henry, I don’t deserve that.”

Without looking at Henry, Alex gets up and leaves the living room. It hurts him, makes his heart clench and eyes sting even more but he can’t bear to be in the same room as Henry right now. 

He’s not sure where he is supposed to go but he ends up in the bathroom, stripping out of his clothes and stepping into the shower.

The water rushes over him, the anger and the embarrassment of what just happened vanishes down the drain to his feet. Alex doesn’t reach for the body wash or the shampoo, he just stands there, staring blankly at the tiles on the wall. 

He never meant for his voice to get loud, never meant to say all these things to Henry. Alex feels like an ass. A massive, stupid, explosive ass. 

He runs a hand through his hair, eyes closed, and thinks back to Henry on the sofa, sitting there in his Hufflepuff sweatpants and his old Bowie shirt with his hair a little tousled from their make-out session. 

Alex swallows and turns off the water again. He trembles, though the air inside the bathroom is warm and humid. He quickly dries himself off and walks into the bedroom, a towel wrapped around his waist.

When he reaches the door, he hesitates for a moment, his hand hovering above the doorknob. What if Henry is in there? What should Alex do? What should he say? What will Henry do? Was this their first fight?

Alex takes one last breath and pushes open the door. 

Henry lays in bed, curled into a ball under the cover with his back to the door. He doesn’t move when Alex enters the room and Alex doesn’t blame him.

“I’m sorry,” Alex says and he truly means it. Everything he felt and said back in the living room felt right just moments before but now, he feels stupid for lashing out like that.

Henry still doesn’t move.

Alex watches as Henry’s body rises with every breath his boyfriend takes until he can’t take it anymore and crawls into bed with him, completely disregarding the fact that he’s wearing nothing but a towel.

He can’t see Henry’s face but Alex knows that his cheeks are wet and so is his pillow. 

Alex gently pushes back loose strands of sandy blond hair with his hand and gently kisses Henry’s temple, feeling Henry’s pulse under his lips. “I’m sorry,” Alex says again, quietly, caring.

“No,” Henry croaks and slowly turns. “I should be sorry.”

Alex shakes his head, lifting his hand to gently place it on Henry’s cheek, his thumb drawing small circles on the soft skin there. He places a kiss on Henry’s nose, hovering there for a moment before he pulls Henry close and nuzzles his nose into Henry’s hair.

“I was being pushy and I shouldn’t have been. I’m ready for it whenever you are, whenever that might be. I’m sorry.”

Henry looks up at Alex, his eyes a watery blue. 

“You know,” he begins, voice quiet, “when I first came out, I was so scared. I thought I would be alright, had played through all the possible scenarios and always ended at the same spot. But things weren’t as easy as I had hoped. People can be mean and rude and I… I just don’t want that to happen to you.” Henry’s voice grows quieter with every word until he’s almost whispering.

Alex laces his fingers into Henry’s hair, holding him close. He can faintly remember the headlines and videos that followed Henry’s coming out video. He had never paid too much attention to any of it, had never considered that such backlash could happen to himself.

Alex can’t believe how naive he has been about all of this. 

Coming out as bisexual and announcing their relationship to the world means that people will know and when people know, they like to speculate and accuse and theorize about all the what-ifs, about all the nitty-gritty details. People will feel entitled to know more than what either of them feels comfortable sharing.

Alex’s stomach drops. He hasn’t considered any of this before.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. “We will work something out, okay? Whenever you are ready, whichever way you want this to go.”

Henry doesn’t say anything but inches closer until there is no space left between them.

On Tuesday, the two of them stay in bed all day and only leave the bedroom to take David on a walk and grab food from the kitchen.

Neither of them has slept well and Alex finds himself drifting in and out of sleep for most of the afternoon with his head resting against Henry’s chest.

They barely talk, exchanging looks that speak for themselves, hands travelling over naked arms and legs and cheeks. 

“Alex,” Henry whispers, followed by a feathery-light kiss on his forehead. 

“Alex,” he says again, tipping Alex’s head up by his chin before lowering his own head and gently pressing his lips against Alex’s.

The kiss is sweet and slow, Alex practically melting in Henry’s embrace. His body is warm, steady and Alex can’t quite describe how safe he feels, how much at home he is right now, right here in Henry’s bed, in Henry’s arms.

If he could spend eternity right here, caught up in this exact moment, he would.

On Wednesday, both of them are busy with work for the first couple of hours of the day. They sit on the sofa, legs tangled underneath the blanket, steaming cups of coffee in their hands as they read through emails, reply to comments, and edit videos.

It’s domestic and cosy, David gently snoring from where he sleeps on their legs.

For lunch, they order thai food and Henry turns on an episode of British Bake Off as they eat and finish up work.

Afterwards, they take David on a walk and meet up with Nora, June, and Pez at a café for tea time.

Henry and Alex sit across from each other, their feet touching underneath the table. It’s a secret, a private touch.

They haven’t talked about going public since Monday which isn’t that far in the past but Alex also doesn’t want it to come up any time soon. He promised to wait for Henry and he is determined to uphold his end of it. No matter how desperately he wants to brush those loose strands out of Henry’s face and tug them behind his ear, wants to kiss the corner of his lips where they curl into a smile.

“So,” Nora says, “are you guys still up for the video tomorrow?”

June takes Nora’s hand that rests on the table and swiftly smoothes her thumb over her knuckles. “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to. We can still cancel.” 

She smiles and Nora nods with a hum.

Alex appreciates them being so thoughtful but since he and Henry haven’t talked about it at all where they currently stand, he waits for his boyfriend to answer.

Henry fumbles with the empty sugar packet, eyes fixed on the table. Then, after a moment, he shrugs and looks up. “I’d be up for it if Alex is. And if we don’t post the video until we… you know.” He points his chin vaguely into Alex’s direction.

“Oh, I am definitely here for it. Seeing you in those shorts you ordered? I wouldn’t want to miss that for anything in the world,” Alex says with a wink, causing Henry to blush lightly.

“We can hold it back until the two of you are ready, we totally understand,” June chirps, gently squeezing Nora’s hand.

“Tomorrow 2 pm it is then,” Nora says and pulls out a business card from her bag and hands it over to Alex. It has the studio’s name written on it in cursive writing with an address underneath and a phone number.

“But we meet at 1:30 to set up camera equipment and to make sure everything works. You know the deal,” June adds with a smile, her head resting on Nora’s shoulder, her curls falling down like a waterfall.

“And I will be there as well for obvious reasons,” Pez says with a grin that’s just as sparkly as the rest of his outfit. “I’ll be rooting for you on the sidelines and jump in, in case anyone has to tap out.” He winks and even Alex has to admit that it makes his heart flip a little.

Once they’re back at the apartment, they retreat to Henry’s bedroom and lazily make out, exchanging sweet-nothings and cuddling until they fall asleep.

On Thursday, Alex wakes up with a giddy feeling in his gut. He’s been filming videos for years and shouldn’t feel nervous anymore but he is, very much so. He will be learning how to striptease, how to give _Henry_ a lap dance _on camera_. It sounds a lot more like a porno than a YouTube video and it’s unlike anything he has ever filmed before.

He rolls around and cuddles closer against Henry’s warm body, smoothing his hand over Henry’s bare torso until he curls his arms around his side, thumb drawing small circles on the soft skin there.

Henry stirs and opens his eyes, ocean blue heavy with sleepy clouds, drool drying on his cheek and chin. Alex is convinced that Henry has to be the single most beautiful person on the entire planet.

“Good morning, sweetheart,” Alex hums, tugging a strand of hair behind Henry’s ear and placing a soft kiss on his cheekbone.

Henry groans and rubs his eyes with a yawn. “Hello, love,” he says after a while, lifting his head a little until he can carefully press his lips against Alex’s.

Alex gets dressed and makes them breakfast while Henry takes a shower and then they are already on their way to the studio. It’s still early but it allows them to stroll around town and grab snacks for them all.

Whenever he gets the chance to, Henry places his hand on the small of Alex’s back, guiding him through crowds, redirecting his attention, keeping him steady on the bus.

When they get to the studio, the others are already there. The room is covered in colourful lights, two chairs set out in the middle of the room, speakers hanging from the ceiling.

“My boys!” Pez greets them and pulls them both in a big hug. 

Alex almost doesn’t recognize him beneath all the glitter on his face and body. “What’s that for?” he asks and brushes glitter off of his jacket.

Pez twirls around, showing off the rest of his outfit. It’s just as glittery and over-the-top as one might expect from Pez, decked out in leopard print and stripes and glitter. Somehow, though, it looks good on him. Fashionable, even.

“I’m committed to the cause,” he says before gesturing for the two of them to follow him.

June and Nora are busy setting up cameras and lights, and Alex is quick to lend them a helping hand. He too has brought another set of cameras and attaches it to a tripod before handing it to Nora.

The setup is completed quickly and they talk through the last details with the instructor. 

Alex feels himself getting more and more nervous as the seconds pass by, constantly glancing over to where Henry and Pez are talking. 

Henry wears the shorts and sparkly tank top and Alex can’t help but stare. His legs look phenomenal, defined calves and muscles, perfectly round arse.

Alex feels the strong need to pin Henry down and peel his clothes off one by one, slowly revealing the soft skin that waits underneath.

“Alex? Are you listening?” Nora’s voice snaps Alex back to reality.

He awkwardly clears his throat and pretends to look at the lights and not at Henry’s ass. Not that it would make any difference since Nora just caught him practically drooling over his boyfriend.

She follows his line of sight and begins to grin, bumping her elbow into his side. “He’s a good catch, I have to give you that. And a hot one too.” She winks at him.

Alex blushes and gently shoves her. “Shut up,” he mumbles and makes his way across to where the others and the instructor are waiting for Nora and him to join them.

The instructor begins to talk to them and the future audience through what they’re about to do, the plan for today.

Alex stands beside Henry, their shoulders touching. He knows that he can take Henry’s hand, that they can openly be a couple right now but he wants to wait for Henry to make the first move.

Henry looks at Alex shortly and their eyes meet. Then, with a smile, Henry hooks his pinky into Alex’s and it’s enough for Alex to go a little weak in the knees.

Alex and Nora go first, Henry and June taking a seat on the chairs. 

The instructor, Camilla, turns on music and gives a few examples of how to begin on Henry. Showing different ways to approach your partner, how to swing yourself onto their lap, enticing them.

It’s a little mesmerizing.

And Alex watches, a little jealous, how his boyfriend begins to flush, eyes frantically widened. He knows that there is no reason for him to be jealous. Henry is gay and the way he’s intently trying to not stare at Camilla’s ass is cute in a way.

When it’s Alex’s turn to try it out, he’s eager to make Henry blush as much as possible. 

The music sends the floor to his feet vibrating and Alex quickly finds his rhythm, lids lowered and eyes fixed on Henry, watching closely as his eyes trail over Alex’s body and a blush creeps just a little higher up Henry’s cheek.

Alex feels good, confident even. 

He drops down low between Henry’s spread legs, placing his hands on his knees, and presses his thumbs into the soft and bare skin. Alex pushes himself up again, fingers trailing up his thighs, the sides of his body up to his face.

Henry shaved this morning, his face smooth, heavy with the smell of his cologne.

“You look amazing,” Alex whispers, his breath hot against Henry’s ear and Alex hums when he can feel Henry shiver, can hear the breath hitch in his throat.

The music begins to fade out and Alex pulls back.

Camilla claps her hands with a smile. “Very good, Alexander. You’re a natural.”

Alex rubs the back of his neck a little bashfully, shifting uncomfortably in his jeans, hoping that his boner won’t be too noticeable on camera.

Nora is next and when it’s time for partners to swap, Alex isn’t sure if all of this was actually a good idea.

From the moment the music starts and Henry approaches him, Alex’s entire body runs hot, palms sweaty.

Henry looks good, like the sun, like a young god. He is light on his feet, shy yet assertive when he bends down, dragging his fingers across the bare skin of Alex’s arm and face and exposed chest.

There’s a smile curling the corner of his lips and Alex can’t help but lean forward to place a kiss there. Henry chuckles and pulls back a little, shaking his head dismissively. “This is not how this works,” he whispers, a glint in his eyes that makes Alex blush.

Alex swallows, hard. 

Henry will be the death of him.

An hour later, when they wrap up filming, Alex just wants to grab Henry by his wrist and drag him through the streets of London and never stop walking until they end up in Henry’s apartment.

He wants to kiss Henry, wants to feel him. Skin on skin.

He lets Henry know by nudging him towards the exit while they all say their goodbyes, his hand on the small of Henry’s back, fingers pressed against the fabric of Henry’s jacket.

“Someone’s eager,” Henry mocks under his breath as they exit the studio. 

“Shut up,” Alex mumbles, fastening his step.

They barely make it inside of the apartment, the door falling shut loudly behind them. 

Alex presses Henry against it, pinning him in place as good as he can with the difference in height between them. His heart is hammering hard inside his chest, throat tight when his eyes meet Henry’s.

They are so mesmerizing, so electrifying.

Henry dips his head down and crashes their lips together, teeth and tongue. It’s not pretty, not sweet, not gentle, but Alex doesn’t want any of those things. He wants it dirty and rough and he wants it _now_.

“Bedroom,” Alex manages to groan when Henry sneaks a hand below his shirt, fingers digging into the soft skin of his hip.

Alex isn’t sure how exactly they make it into the bedroom but he’s laying sprawled out on the mattress and watches, mesmerized, as Henry strips off his shirt and crawls on top of him. Alex drinks it all up, taking in the defined muscles of Henry’s upper body, the black ink on his skin, the depths of his eyes.

His cock is achingly hard and Henry wastes no time when he fits his hips against Alex’s and grinds down, lips pressed against Alex’s.

Henry’s tongue is inside Alex’s mouth, hot and heavy, and Alex feels a little drunk on the taste of him.

Alex places his hands on Henry’s hip, easing his fingers into the waistband and dragging them along his skin until he reaches the front where he fumbles with the button for a moment before successfully undoing it.

“Good,” Henry almost growls into Alex’s ear, rough and low. 

Alex’s eyes almost roll into the back of his head at the sound of it. Who knew such a simple word could cause a reaction like that? Definitely not Alex. He moans.

Henry replies with a chuckle and begins to grind their hips together again, his lips leaving a trail of open-mouthed kisses up and down Alex’s neck, shortly sucking at his collarbone, dragging his flat tongue along his jawline.

Alex shivers, frantically pushing down Henry’s pants with one hand while he desperately tries to take off his own shirt with the other. It’s not an easy task.

Henry quickly takes pity on him and helps Alex undress, also undoing the buttons of his jeans and pulling them down to his knees.

At this point, both of them are a little breathless, movements frantic and needy.

Alex presses his lips against Henry’s neck, tasting his skin, careful not to leave a mark even if he wants to do that more than anything.

“Love,” Henry murmurs, nose nuzzled into Alex’s curls. His large hands roam up and down Alex’s arm and chest.

“Yeah?” Alex croaks, his voice sounding so unlike his own but Alex doesn’t care. Henry looks at him with such adoration, such _want_ , it leaves him breathless and his brain fussy.

“Are you… okay with this?” Henry asks.

Alex doesn’t quite grasp what Henry is trying to say so he raises a questioning eyebrow.

“I…,” Henry takes a deep breath and leans forward until his lips are right beside Alex’s ear, “I want to make love with you.”

And Alex, well, his body is catapulted into another dimension, all the air vanishing from his lungs. No one has ever asked him this, no one has ever called having sex with Alexander Claremont-Diaz _making love_.

The butterflies in his stomach flutter so hard it makes him feel a little sick.

Love is such a strong and strange yet familiar word, Alex isn’t sure if he can grasp its meaning completely without sending his thoughts into overdrive but all that matters is that Henry wants to make love with him.

He doesn’t want to fuck him, no. He wants to _make love_.

This one, Alex knows, is for the history books.

Henry nudges his nose against Alex’s temple, his breath hot on Alex’s skin, pulling Alex back into this reality. The reality in which he lays in bed with the most beautiful man, a man who is his boyfriend and who cups his cheek ever so gentle, no matter how heated things were between them just moments ago.

“Yes,” Alex whispers, turning his head to press a kiss to the corner of Henry’s mouth. “A thousand times yes.” 

It’s a little slow for the next few minutes, lips pressed together, both of them suddenly feeling the need to take their time.

Alex has thought a couple of times about taking it further with Henry, more than just handjobs and blowjobs but up to this point, he was never sure how to go about this. 

Heck, he still isn’t sure how things will work out logistically, but when Henry presses a kiss to the inside of his thigh and their eyes meet, Alex doesn’t give a shit about logistics. 

All he knows is that he wants Henry and that he wants him now.

Henry pulls off Alex's pants completely, quickly discarding his own as well before he crawls back up Alex’s body.

Alex is quick to welcome Henry back, lacing his fingers into the soft hair in the nape of his neck and pulling him in for a kiss. His skin is aflame, every single one of Henry’s touches makes his skin crawl with a heat Alex has never felt before. But he likes it, craves it even.

Alex sits up some more and carefully turns them around until he is straddling Henry’s lap, fitting himself against his chest.

Henry hums, deepening the kiss and wrapping his arms around Alex’s hips tightly, hands sprawled out on the warm and soft skin of his back, fingers digging into the muscle there.

Their erections are pressed against each other and the subtle but sweet friction leaves Alex breathless. He moans quietly, the sound muffled by Henry’s lips.

Henry’s hands travel lower until they reach the curve of Alex’s ass, fingertips teasingly pushing the elastic waistband down.

Alex breaks the kiss and presses his forehead against Henry’s with his eyes closed, his hands travelling further down until he can tease his fingers into Henry’s underwear as well and begin to push it down and over his ass.

It’s a tricky procedure, trying to get fully naked while also not wanting to be separate from one another for more than a second. 

But when they’re finally fully naked, Alex pulls back for a moment and admires Henry from head to toe. His skin looks beautiful in the afternoon light, sprawled out on the white bedsheet. 

Alex trails his hands mindlessly up and down Henry’s thigh, thumb brushing over soft and freckled skin.

Henry shivers, curling his hands into fists, tugging on the sheets with a low moan.

The sound prompts Alex to dip his head down and place kisses up and down Henry’s inner thigh, hands travelling higher until his fingertips brush against Henry’s cock. Alex curls his fingers around it, lips slowly making their way up as well and finally placing a light kiss on the swollen tip.

Tongue pressed against Henry’s shaft tightly, Alex slowly lowers his head with his cheek hallowed. In the past days, he has learned a lot about what Henry likes when getting sucked off and Alex wants to make sure that he delivers.

Henry’s long fingers find their way into Alex’s curls and when he gently tugs on them, Alex lets him slide out of his mouth slowly and lets go completely after giving the tip a quick peck.

“You’re a bloody animal,” Henry whispers and he sounds just as wrecked as he looks which Alex takes as a compliment. After all, he was only sucking him off and he is very eager to hear how fucked up Henry’s voice will sound like at the end.

Henry pulls him close, crashing their lips together and wrapping his arms around Alex’s body until their cocks are touching again.

Alex isn’t quite sure how to describe this feeling. It’s not something new, but it somehow feels a lot more intensive, a lot more intimate than ever before. “This is nice,” he manages to say in between kissing Henry and gasping for air.

Henry chuckles, his cheeks flushed an irresistible red-colour and pupils blown wide. “You have no idea what’s coming, love,” he replies, their foreheads pressed together.

Now it’s Alex’s turn to chuckle, the sound sending his entire body vibrating. “Well, this is my first time with a man, so that is to be expected.”

The look Henry shoots him can only be interpreted as _I would murder you if we weren’t about to have sex_ and Alex is very happy about that. Both the “no murder” and the “about to have sex” part.

Henry flips them around again and leans over to retrieve lube and a condom from the top drawer of his nightstand. He tosses the condom to the side for now and opens the lube with one hand while he props himself upon the other, mouth and tongue busy with kissing Alex.

Alex can hear him squeeze out some lube and he opens his lips halfway, watching mesmerized as waves of pleasure dance across Henry’s face. 

His hair is extremely tousled, strands sticking to his sweaty forehead. Henry reaches backwards with his right hand and Alex can only imagine what he’s doing there. His other arms trembles as he tries to keep himself steady. 

Alex, wanting to make this as comfortable as possible for Henry, manoeuvres them around for a moment until Henry is laying on his back again with his legs spread wide. The sight in front of him is so hot, Alex is surprised he doesn’t immediately blow his load.

Henry continues to ease himself open, fingers slowly pushing inside and Alex can’t help but stare for a moment before he comes back to his senses and begins to shower Henry’s thighs with kisses and bites, fingers gliding over the warm and soft skin.

Henry looks so beautiful, Alex wants to grab his camera to capture it on film, but he’s not sure if Henry would be up for that. Just the thought makes his face run a little hotter. Maybe another time, he thinks and slowly trails his eyes up from Henry’s cock over his torso to his eyes.

They are so incredibly blue that Alex for a moment thinks that he’s able to hear the crash of the ocean, but there is no ocean, only Henry.

Now that he thinks about it, Alex has often described Henry as the sun, but Henry could just as well be the ocean. Poseidon himself. The unmistakable blue of his eyes, the sand-coloured curls, the ethereal beauty of his features, the never-ending depths of his soul.

_Henry._

Henry whose moans are heavenly music to Alex’s ears. Henry who is biting his lip in a desperate attempt to stay quiet.

Alex crawls on top of him, their erections bumping into each other, and kisses Henry. He presses his lips against Henry’s, tastes him up with his tongue, swallows every single sound his boyfriend makes.

Alex likes it when Henry makes noises in bed. It’s one of his favourite sounds ever and even the tiniest moan makes his stomach flip with gut-wrenching intensity.

“I think,” Henry moans, “I’m ready.” He breaks their kiss, his free hand resting in the nape of Alex’s neck.

Alex can feel his heartbeat quickening as he nods, swallowing hard to keep his throat from running dry. 

Is he nervous? Fuck yeah, he is. But he is also excited and very much ready to just _be with Henry_ , to be _inside_ of him. 

He blindly reaches for the condom which isn’t as easy as it might sound with Henry’s hungry lips on his, their cocks rubbing against each other ever so lightly. The sensation, no matter how little, sends fireworks off inside of Alex’s gut.

A last peck on the lips and Alex sits back, tearing open the condom wrapper and sliding it onto his cock, taking in the sight in front of him once more before he grabs the lube and squeezes a generous amount onto his hand.

Is there something as too much lube? Probably not.

Alex takes a deep breath and then positions himself between Henry’s legs, nudging his tip against Henry’s hole. “Okay?” he asks, a little unsure. The last thing he wants is to hurt Henry.

Henry lifts his hand and places it on Alex’s cheek, thumb brushing over his cheekbone. “Very much okay.” Then, a little breathlessly, he adds, “Don’t worry. You’re not going to hurt me, I promise.”

Alex nods and leans forward, slowly pushing inside. He has to challenge all of his willpower to keep his eyes open and fixed on Henry because he wouldn’t want to miss the look on his face for anything in the world.

Henry’s face is still red, a little redder than just moments ago and his lips form a soft “o”, eyes half-way closed. His chest is slowly heaving up and down and his hands are both clutching the sheets, knuckles turning white.

It’s incredibly erotic.

“Still okay?” Alex asks and holds still for a second.

Henry doesn’t reply. 

Instead, he thrusts his hips against Alex’s causing his cock to slip in deeper and Alex is seeing stars now. “I appreciate your concern,” Henry says, “but please, for the love of God, don’t tease me like that. Bloody hell.”

Alex can feel the heat pulsate on his cheeks. Bossy. He likes that.

Once he’s completely seated inside of Henry, Alex doesn’t move for what feels like an eternity. For one, he wants to give Henry the chance to get used to him, and secondly, Alex would like for this to last longer than a couple of seconds.

He slowly lowers himself until his lips hover inches above Henry’s, their eyes fixed onto each other. “You’re so beautiful,” Alex whispers and presses a gentle kiss to the corner of Henry’s mouth and slowly starts to pull back and then push back inside.

“Don’t say that,” Henry murmurs bashfully, head turned to the side. Alex’s heart jumps inside his chest.

He takes it slow, watching for Henry’s reactions, coaxing soft moans and happy giggles out of his boyfriend.

Alex has had sex before, lots of it at times, but this? It’s unlike anything he has ever done or felt or even thought about.

Henry is warm and tight around him, his fingers dig deep into Alex’s shoulders and Alex is sure that it will leave a bruise, but he couldn’t care less because Henry is kissing him again and slides his tongue inside his mouth. 

It’s intoxicating.

Alex reaches between them and wraps his fingers around Henry’s aching cock, flicking his thumb over the leaking tip and spreading the pre-cum around. It takes him a second to find his rhythm again but then he begins to pump his fist in time with his thrusts, listening closely to Henry’s noises, watching the pleasure dance across his face.

Alex tries his best to hold back, to keep the heat inside of him from boiling over but it’s no use. “Henry,” he moans, quietly, privately. 

“Love,” Henry replies with a smile, voice wrecked.

“I don’t think I can last much longer,” Alex admits, breathing hard and slowing down his thrusts once more. Time seems to be standing still.

Henry wraps his arms around him a little tighter and Alex isn’t quite sure how Henry manages to do it but he rolls them around, straddling Alex’s hips with his cock still very much buried inside of him.

Alex could have never imagined that Henry could get even tighter and hotter, but he’s starting to blackout a little as he feels the waves of a body-shaking orgasm approach.

Henry braces himself left and right from Alex’s body, slowly dragging his hips up before slamming them down again.

Alex lifts his hands and places them on Henry’s hips, guiding him, digging his fingers into the skin and muscle there. He can feel himself come, tipping over the edge and he quickly sits up to wrap one arm around Henry tightly and hold him close as he thrusts his hips one last time while his other hand sneaks between them and jerks Henry off.

Alex’s muscles tense up, vision going blurry. He’s searching for Henry’s lips but can’t seem to find them so he presses them against his collarbone instead, sucking and biting, moaning.

Alex’s orgasm hits him like a tsunami and the earth seems to quake below him, but he keeps holding on, keeps thrusting his hips upward.

Henry has his fingers buried in Alex’s curls, tugging, lips parted lightly as quiet moans sneak past them. 

And then Henry is coming as well between their bodies, breathing hard and moaning Alex’s name and calling him _love_ while also sputtering the most abstruse profanities Alex has ever heard.

It’s surprisingly hot.

They sit in silence for a moment, both of them riding out the final waves of their orgasm when Henry dips his head down and catches Alex’s lips with his own. It’s soft and sweet and gentle. 

This, Alex thinks, is what heaven must be like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Comments and kudos are as always very much appreciated 💜


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been a hot second but here's a new chapter! We're slowly inching closer to the end of this story and I will try to wrap it all up soon-ish.

Their second week in London passes by in a blur. 

During the day, the four of them stroll through the streets, wrapping up filming for the docu-series and at night, Alex and Henry lay in bed, make out and fuck. Alex honestly can’t remember the last time he has had as much sex as he has right now. Not that he’s complaining or anything. Quite on the contrary.

On his last day, he wakes up with Henry’s mouth around his cock. It’s still early, the first warm sun rays sneak into the bedroom through creme-coloured curtains. Alex looks down to where Henry is sucking on his dick, the sunlight curling around his hair like a halo.

Jesus Christ.

Henry looks up at him, his eyes bright blue. He pulls away a little and with a smile, he says, “Good morning, love.”

Alex just moans in response because Henry is already taking him back into his mouth, tongue tightly pressed against his shaft and cheeks hollow. Alex brings one hand down and curls his fingers into Henry’s soft hair, gently guiding his movements. He has to bring up all of his willpower to not just buck his hips up, further into Henry’s hot mouth.

His body feels hot, his stomach flipping and flipping until he feels sick. “Baby,” he groans and pulls his boyfriend up by his hair, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and kissing him hard, tasting himself on Henry’s tongue.

Henry kisses him back, catching Alex’s lower lip between his teeth and giving it a tug, rolling his hips down. “I don’t want you to go,” Henry whispers in between kisses, his hands roaming down Alex’s ribcage and chest.

“I don’t want me to go either,” Alex replies, trying his best to ignore the growing heaviness in his chest. He takes a hold of Henry’s chin with his hand and turns his head until Henry is facing him. “Let me take care of you so you will remember me even when I’m back home. Let me touch you until you can feel my hands and lips even when I’m not around to touch you. Let me… let me love you.”

Henry swallows and for a second, Alex worries that he has overstepped but then Henry lowers his head and kisses him, kisses him until Alex forgets his own name. “Then love me,” Henry whispers, and Alex’s heart bursts in his chest.

He rolls them around, taking his sweet time to shower Henry’s face and neck and chest in light kisses, making sure to roam his hands over every bit of bare skin that he can reach. His fingers brush past Henry’s half-hard cock but Alex continues his way further down his legs.

He kisses Henry’s hips and thighs, touches his knees and shins, smoothes his thumb over the tattoo on Henry’s ankle. 

Alex Claremont-Diaz can be a very impatient person but not today. Today, he has all the time in the world (he actually doesn’t but hey, let a man live).

He kisses his way up again and then finally, he curls his fingers around Henry’s shaft, flexing his wrist just how Henry likes it.

Henry above him whimpers, rewarding Alex’s efforts with a quiet moan, fisting the sheets, eyes closed shut. The morning light draws soft shadows across his face, long and dark lashes resting on freckled cheeks.

Alex places a kiss on Henry’s hip bone and then kisses the tip of his cock. With his tongue pressed flat against the shaft, Alex slowly lowers his head and takes Henry into his mouth in one smooth motion.

He bobs his head up and down for a good minute, circling his tongue around the tip to collect the precum, one hand resting on Henry’s thigh, the other holding his cock in place.

Henry’s body is quivering underneath him, his hands no longer holding onto the bedsheets for support but onto Alex’s hair, twisting and tugging on it. Alex would be lying if he says he doesn’t enjoy the sparks of pain.

He pulls back a little and looks up at Henry. “Fuck my mouth,” Alex says, voice a little rough. It’s something he has fantasized about the past few days but he has always shied away from telling Henry about it. Not that he’s ashamed of it, he just wasn’t sure before if Henry would be okay with it but with the way Henry looks down at him right now, his stomach curls with heat.

Henry nods his head. “Okay,” he says, sounding just as fucked as Alex imagines he must feel. His cheeks and ears are a bright pink colour, his eyes dark and hungry with arousal.

Alex lowers his head again, the tip of Henry’s cock resting on his tongue. He continues to look up at Henry, patiently waiting for him to get going.

Henry lifts his hips up shy at first. His hands still rest on Alex’s head, gently holding him in place as he begins to pick up the pace.

Alex closes his eyes, completely focusing on his breath and Henry’s strangled moans, chanting him on. His jaw is completely relaxed and Henry keeps pushing in deeper and deeper and fucking hell, it’s really doing it for Alex.

He loves it when Henry takes control, when Henry uses Alex to make himself feel good and honestly, that’s all Alex wants. Because seeing Henry feeling good, makes Alex feel so fucking good, it’s almost a little ridiculous.

Alex pulls back with a gasp after another minute and he needs a moment to regain his breath, eyes scanning Henry’s flushed body up to his perfect face. He’s smiling, all crooked and goofy and Alex crawls up his body because he just has to press a kiss to it.

They continue to kiss while Alex fumbles for lube and a condom, tossing them both on the mattress for now. His hands wander over Henry’s body, down between his legs and to his ass. Alex swiftly brushes over Henry’s hole before he pulls back his hand, squeezes some lube onto it and then returns, his fingers slowly teasing Henry’s hole, easing in the first finger.

If there is one thing Alex has learned over the past two weeks is that Henry loves to get fingered. Alex’s fingers might not be as long and elegant but he definitely knows how to use them.

The first finger slips in easily, Henry moaning against Alex’s lips, pushing himself further onto Alex’s fingers. A second and third finger quickly follow and soon enough Henry is panting, desperately mouthing at Alex’s jaw and neck.

Alex’s own cock is painfully hard but he doesn’t care. He’s too caught up in watching Henry, listening to his moans, making him feel good.

“Want you,” he groans. “Please, Alex.”

Alex nods and pulls his fingers back, scrambling to rip open the condom and rolling it onto his cock. He gently eases Henry’s legs apart and presses the tip of his cock against Henry’s loose hole, slowly sinking inside. 

Alex can’t imagine himself ever growing tired of the way Henry tenses around him, how he moans and quietly encourages Alex to push in deeper under his breath. 

Once fully inside, Alex holds still and bends down to kiss Henry, kissing him until the world around him doesn’t exist anymore. Alex’s chest feels tight when he begins to rock his hips, one hand cupping Henry’s cheek, the other braced on the soft mattress.

Henry is looking up at him with dark eyes, a fucked-out smile, droplets of sweat rolling down the side of his face. He looks incredibly hot but he’s also simply beautiful. Alex could look at him all day and never get tired of him.

Henry lifts his head a little and pulls Alex into another kiss, lacing his fingers into the hair in the nape of Alex’s neck, rocking his hips in time with Alex’s thrusts.

Alex’s entire body runs hot, a knot tight and heavy in his gut. It’s an all too familiar feeling and Alex honestly can’t believe he’s almost done for already. He kisses Henry one last time before he sits up, slowly pulling out of Henry. He watches, mesmerized, as his cock slips out of Henry.

Henry sits up too, placing his hand on Alex’s chest and pushing him until he lays on his back. Henry straddles his hips, one leg on each side, and takes Alex’s cock into his hand and sinks down on it. 

Alex feels his eyes roll back into his head and he begins to push his hips up into Henry’s heat, hands digging into the soft skin of Henry’s hips.

Henry looks absolutely gorgeous, skin flushed red, strands of hair sticking to his sweaty forehead, eyes half-closed. 

Alex glances down and watches as his cock keeps reentering Henry. And when he angles his hips just right, he hits right against Henry’s prostate and Henry lets out a very attractive sound so Alex does it again and again.

Soon enough though, he feels himself getting closer again so he wraps his hand around Henry’s cock and begins jerking him off in time with his thrust. 

“Alex,” Henry whispers and hunches down, allowing Alex to thrust into him however he pleases. “Please, I want you to-”

Alex doesn’t even let him finish, relentlessly hitting against Henry’s prostate until he feels Henry tighten around him, moaning his name like a mantra, like a spell. 

Henry kisses him, nips at his lower lip, pushes his tongue into Alex’s mouth and just like that, the knot inside of Alex pulls tighter one last time and then he comes, his body quaking and shivering, holding onto Henry tightly.

In his post-orgasm haze, Alex manages to sneak a hand between them and jerk off Henry with uncoordinated movements until Henry comes too, burying his head in the crook of Alex’s neck, pressing open-mouthed kisses to his shoulder and neck.

“I can’t believe I’m letting you go after this,” Henry whispers, his voice rough and fucked-out and simply perfect.

Alex smiles though he can’t help the tight feeling that returns to his chest as reality begins to settle back in around them.

They continue to lay in bed for another moment before Henry peels himself off of Alex and goes to take a shower. Alex follows him shortly after, hoping to delay having to say goodbye to Henry’s place, David, London, and Henry.

Because saying goodbye isn’t fucking easy. It never is and probably will never be and the knot in Alex’s throat just grows tighter the closer they are to the airport.

Sure, he has had a great time in London and got to spend plenty of time with Henry but it still isn’t enough. He’s not sure if any time spent with Henry, even an eternity, could ever be enough.

He sits in the front seat beside Henry, his hand resting on Henry’s thigh. Ever since they left the apartment, Alex hasn’t said a single word. He feels sick and anxious, fingernails digging so hard and relentlessly into Henry’s jeans that Henry has to gently pick up Alex’s hand to help him relax.

Alex hates how he feels, hates how much his leg bounces and how tight his chest is.

Not even Nora and June’s bickering from the backseat helps Alex relax, let alone shifts his thoughts to anything but flying back home.

Home.

A place he always thought was in Texas or maybe in LA with Nora and June but Alex isn’t too sure anymore, where home is exactly.

Henry squeezes Alex’s hand, thumb quickly brushing over his knuckles before he places his hand back on the steering wheel, eyes fixed on the street.

He looks just as awful as Alex feels. Yes, the morning was nice. Very nice, in fact. But now? Their quickly approaching parting hangs above them like a heavy cloud, an unavoidable fucking goodbye.

Alex knows that it’s not forever and that he can call and text Henry but it’s nothing compared to waking up with him every morning and getting to touch him whenever Alex craves to feel his skin or touch his hand.

They pull up to the airport and Henry finds a parking spot. And soon enough, they stand in the busy airport hall, face to face. Alex swallows hard, one hand holding onto his luggage tightly until his knuckles turn white. 

Henry’s eyes are bright blue in the sunlight that streams into the airport through huge glass windows. They remind Alex of the ocean, of quick running streams, 

Nora and June stand a few feet away from Henry and Alex to give them some privacy. Nora is flipping through a magazine and June is typing away on her phone.

Henry looks around quickly but no one pays them any attention. He takes one step closer and cups Alex’s cheek with his hand, thumb brushing across his cheek in small, comforting circles.

Alex fears he might cry but then Henry closes the distance between them and kisses him, truly kisses him and pulls him close until there is no space left between them. For a second, there’s panic surging through his body but then Alex feels himself relax, melting into Henry’s kiss. Henry’s lips taste like tea and oat milk and sugar. Alex leans further into it, embracing the warmth that begins to creep through his body, wishing he could hold onto Henry forever.

Whatever challenges they might face, Alex knows that they can overcome them, together and no matter the distance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Comments and kudos are as always very much appreciated 💜


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried a bit of a different format for this chapter but I hope you enjoy it because I had a lot of fun writing it. We are almost at the end of this story and I already want to thank each and every one of you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos. This is the first multi-chap fic that I wrote as I posted it and I couldn't have done it without your support 💜

On September 23rd, Alex uploads a video to his YouTube channel. It’s not a video he ever thought he’d make when he started his channel, but it’s probably the one he’s the proudest of. Does he feel anxious? Fuck yes, but he has Nora and June right by him, all of them huddled around Alex’s laptop in the living room, and Henry, Pez, and Bea flickering across the screen of Alex’s phone. 

𝌀

**My Coming Out | AGCD**

The video opens with Alex sitting in front of a bookshelf-lined wall in a patched-up armchair, a gigantic plant peeking out behind his right shoulder, a tiny coffee table to his left with a vase filled with pink flowers and a steaming cup of coffee. Alex wears a nice light blue polo shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans, his hair is done with his curls attractively framing his face.

Alex turns to face the camera, nervously fidgeting with his necklace. A soft tune plays in the background before the music fades out and Alex begins speaking.

ALEXANDER: Hi, friends!

His voice cracks a little but he smiles at the camera.

ALEXANDER: So, uh. This is a bit of a different video from what I usually upload to my channel, but it feels important to me. And I just hope that you guys take your time to listen to me and try to understand because it’s not an easy thing for me.

Alex ruffles a hand through his hair, smiling. He picks up the cup for a moment, taking a sip and setting it back down again.

ALEXANDER: I don’t even know where to begin but…

He takes a deep breath, sitting up a little straighter.

ALEXANDER: …I’m bisexual. Surprise, everyone. Bet you didn’t see this one coming. Honestly, I didn’t even see this coming myself.

He laughs nervously, again ruffling a hand through his curls.

ALEXANDER: In case you didn’t know, today is actually Bisexual Visibility Day. 

A little infographic pops up beside Alex’s head. It has the bisexual flag, a short definition of what it means and  _ September 23rd  _ written on it. It stays there for a good ten second before it disappears again.

ALEXANDER: I’m not 100% sure when I first started to, well, question myself in that way. I was very much comfortable with being straight, my status quo in a way.

He laughs, already feeling a lot less nervous.

ALEXANDER: But there was just always this… this part of me that I never gave a second thought until now. Which might sound a bit cheesy and everything but I feel somewhat complete now? Like I know myself better. I always felt like there was a part of me that didn’t fit into the puzzle and for a while, I thought it was because I used to feel stuck between two cultures, in a way. Not Mexican enough but also not American enough. And even though I sometimes still feel that way, the past months have been… amazing. I finally feel like myself.

He smiles, tears welling in his eyes. Alex takes a moment to breathe before he continues.

ALEXANDER: I won’t get too much into details because I’m not ready yet, but I’m sure that, one day, I will be able to tell my story completely. But for now, I hope this is good enough. Thank you all for your ongoing support and I hope that this doesn’t change the way you see me. There are still some things I need to figure out on my own terms, but I just wanted to share this with you all because you have been nothing but supportive of me and my channel for the past years.

He takes the cup into his hands again, long fingers curling around it, taking in the warmth that creeps into his body.

ALEXANDER: I’ll see you all soon in a new video next week but until then, take care and stay safe. Bye.

Alex gets up and walks out of frame. For a moment, there’s just the armchair and the gigantic plant and the bookshelves before the screen fades to the end card.

**Comments (313)**

**Henry Fox** **  
** Congratulations on coming out, Alex. I know coming out on the internet isn’t easy but I’m so incredibly proud of you. You have grown so much as a person from when we first met and I’m so excited to see what else you will achieve. Happy bi visibility day, Alex.

**TheGayPope** **  
** If god hates the gay, why do we keep winning?

**Amanda R**   
I’m so proud of him!

**GayOnTheShelf** **  
** Congratulations! You look so happy <3

**Barracuda84** **  
** Wait, you’re gay?

**BlueBonnet2000** **  
** Called it!

**Lea E** **  
** This video single-handedly made my day. I’m so proud of him <3

**HRH Dickhead** **  
** The bi icon we didn’t know we needed

**gaybookclub** **  
** Congratulations, Alex <333333333333333333

**soot3r** **  
** Is he dating Henry then?

**cornbread**   
I’ve been following him for years but this has to be my favourite video. It just feels so raw and honest. Thank you, Alex, thank you a million times.

**PearBoba** **  
** So proud of him <3

**not a furry** **  
** Hell yeah!

**missy45678** **  
** This man saved my life and I’m so fucking happy to see him thriving. Let’s fucking go

**Kim H** **  
** Wait a dang minute. That’s Henry Fox’s background! I knew the two were getting it on lmao

**FussiliLover** **  
** This is the best thing ever. I’m so happy for him <3 Happy bi visibility day, Alex!

**Funky Sock Entity** **  
** Why am I crying??

**Loki** **  
** Thank you so much for this video, Alex. I’m bi myself and it really means a lot to me when a creator I admire so dearly comes out. I know it won’t always be easy because the internet is a nasty place but we always got your back. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

**Bee’s Knees** **  
** Happy bi visibility day, everyone!

𝌀

“I’m so proud of you,” chimes Bea, smiling brightly at him. Pez is nodding, and Henry is practically beaming at him. Even though they are an ocean apart, Alex feels as if they are right here with him. 

His mother and Leo drop by thirty minutes later, bringing a tower of pizza cartons, bags of chips, and a six-pack of beer with them. And together, they all celebrate Alex, and Alex, well he couldn’t be more grateful for his family and their support.

He knows that he’s privileged in that regard. Having a supportive family and friends is not something many queer kids have. Once his life is a little less of a rollercoaster, Alex hopes to use his platform for good, organising a fundraiser for queer shelters and just making the world a better place bit by bit.

The world might not change within a day but it’s always worth a try. 

Pez, Bea, and Henry are also somewhat attending the party. Alex has his laptop propped up by the TV. The three of them are grinning at Alex through the screen, Pez and Henry holding a glass of champagne and Bea a glass with what seems to be orange juice. David pops his head into the frame as well, his tongue goofily hanging out of his mouth.

“I wish you could be here with me,” Alex says against Nora’s booming music blasting from the speakers.

“We are,” Henry replies, all tousled blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and a freckled smile. 

His mother pulls him to the side, wrapping him in a tight hug and kissing his face with lips the colour of rubies. “I’m so proud of you, sugar,” she says, her Texan drawl heavy and comforting, a piece of home in a place so far away.

“Thank you, mom,” Alex says, and hugs her back. She smells like lilacs and vanilla.

“I can’t wait to meet Henry. When did you say he will be back? We need to get the whole family together for a big barbeque while he’s visiting. Maybe we can convince your father to let us all stay at the lake house. What do you say?” She lets go of Alex, takes a step back, and unlocks her phone. “I want to make sure I’m not being called in at work. I take family time very seriously.” She furrows her brows as she types on her phone.

Alex laughs. “I know. We haven't agreed on a date yet but sometime at the end of October and beginning of November.”

“Perfect,” Ellen says, typing on her phone before she slips it back into the pocket of her jeans. “Now come on, sugar, we have a party to attend, and I want you to introduce me to your boyfriend.”

Later that day, Alex and Henry upload the very same picture to their respective Instagram accounts. They have spent a few days talking about it, going back and forth on whether they should or shouldn’t do it but both of them feel ready. God, Alex has been ready for weeks but now Henry feels ready too and it feels fucking good.

There’s anxiety rumbling in his gut, desperate to gain the upper hand, but the bubbly feeling in his chest and stomach take over. He’s not scared. Not anymore.

“Ready?” Alex asks, his finger hovering above the  _ post _ button. He looks at Henry’s face in the upper right-hand corner of Alex’s screen.

“I don’t think I have been more ready for anything in my entire life,” Henry says, and laughs.

Alex still isn’t used to the soft sound of Henry’s laugh, no matter how many times he has heard it so far. It captivates him over and over again, every single time without a fail.

The picture shows Alex with his arms wrapped around Henry, with Henry’s hands cupping Alex’s cheeks. Alex is looking up at Henry, smiling fondly, their faces only a few inches apart as if they are seconds away from kissing.

**h.fox** Thank you to this wonderful man for making me laugh, for always being there for me, and for challenging me in the best ways possible. I’m so grateful for every moment we get to spend together, no matter how little or short it is, and I hope that there are many more to come. I’m so proud of you, and I can’t wait to see what you will achieve in the future.

**alexclaremontdiaz** Imagine getting to call @h.fox your boyfriend. Lucky me.

“No more hiding,” Alex says softly.

“No more hiding,” Henry replies, smiling at Alex through the cracked screen of his phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to leave kudos and a comment 💜

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [notes from david](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27897094) by [captainegg](https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainegg/pseuds/captainegg)




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